The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition)

Head of Caligula (in marble)Germanicus presents “On Campaign with My Three-Year-Old Son” (circa 15 AD) –> slide 4

  • Put him in miniature set of armor
  • Army mascot
  • They call him “Little soldier’s boots” (Caligula)
  • Isn’t he adorable?

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (Caligula) presents “A normal childhood” (circa 35 AD) –> Slide 3

After father Germanicus died:

  • lived with mother until the Emperor Tiberius (adoptive grandfather) banished her
  • lived with adoptive great-grandmother (Livia) until she died
  • brother Nero died in exile
  • brother Drussus died in prison (either from eating bedding or starvation)
  • went to live with Tiberius on Capri
  • good times!

Pullox the fishmonger presents “A good start” (circa 37 AD) –> Only slide

  • Lots of gladiatorial games
  • Animals sacrificed
  • He’s the son Germanicus (great general that)
  • And let’s face it, after Tiberius anyone looks good!

Lollia Paulina presents “Something’s not right with that man” (circa 38 AD) –> Slide 12

  • My husband the Emperor has been acting odd since he got sick
  • I can live with the whoring
  • Excessive killings
  • But I really wish he’d stop insisting I call him “Hercules”.

Julia Agrippina (the younger) presents “My brother is a mad, mad pig” (circa 40 AD) –> Slide 2

  • Has sex with me, Drusilla and Livilla
  • Then declared us Vestal Virgins
  • Also, he thinks he’s a god
  • Dresses up like Hercules, Apollo and Venus.

Caligula presents “I’m not crazy” (circa 40 AD) –> Last slide

  • I only kill people when they upset me
  • Like, when they call me “little boots”
  • I really hate that
  • Besides, I’m a bunch of Gods, so I can do what I want
  • Now, I’m going to make my horse a Senator.

Cassius Chaerea of the Praetorian Guard presents “He’s gotta go” (41 AD) –> Slide two

  • He calls me “noodle dick”
  • (It’s a war wound and I can’t help it)
  • Luckily, there are lots of other groups that want him dead too.

Anniversary of Caligula’s death: January 24. Here is a group that has not slept with their sisters. Photo credit: mharrsch.

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6 Responses to The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition)

  1. diesel January 25, 2008 at 6:38 pm #

    Looks like he’s losing the tip of his nose. Is that syphillis?

  2. Mark A. Rayner January 26, 2008 at 10:25 am #

    I’m pretty sure syphilis didn’t arrive in Europe until Columbus brought it back, so he’s ground down his nose some other way.

    I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

  3. Darcy X January 26, 2008 at 8:34 pm #

    Your wit is sharp!

  4. offendedblogger January 26, 2008 at 11:39 pm #

    LOL!

    Now I am going to have to go pull out my history books and whatnot to check your facts, but honestly, I am hoping at least the “noodle dick” one is accurate!! 🙂

  5. Mark A. Rayner January 27, 2008 at 11:13 am #

    I think the gist of it is accurate. I read that one the reasons he killed Caligula was because the Emperor made fun of Chaerea’s soft “womanish” voice.

  6. madelene November 7, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    absolutely hilarious!