No, seriously, what is the right amount?
It depends. Do you have other things to do? Like, I don’t know, a job? Let’s assume yes, and let’s assume it’s about eight hours a day. Okay, so that leaves you 17.
Sorry, I keep forgetting your stupid Earth day only has 24 hours. So, yes, 16 hours. Let’s book eight for sleep, which is average, so we’re down to eight. I’m going to assume you have an hour of commuting to get to work, because that’s the average here in Canada too.
Really, you’re living in Canada?
Crap. I really shouldn’t have said that, though I’m sure the RCMP are already tracking my activities. I have noticed an inordinate number of cube vans circling the block of late … anyway, let’s give you four hours for eating, drinking, personal care and household activities such as cooking and cleaning.
That should leave you with four hours.
So I can spend four hours doing social media?
Only if you’re a total knob. And don’t have children, pets, or anything else to care for. Also, you may want to leave yourself some time to exercise you gelatinous bastard. And what about a little community service? How about that?
Yes, I’ve got kids. And a cat. What if I’m writing a novel too?
Then you’re fucked.
But don’t worry, as soon as I take over the Earth none of these decisions will be of any concern. I’ll put you down for something in the uranium mines — the exercise will do you good, and you’ve probably built up a healthy resistance to radiation from all those years in front of a CRT.
Next time: If you are the last member of an elite and esoteric order of zen-like control freaks with mental powers, how would you go about recruiting new members? Would Twitter be a good idea?
Alltop is an elite and esoteric aggregator of humor. Originally published October, 2009.