Hmm. Do you have access to an intergalactic armada and enough firepower to conquer another world? If so, then I think I can help you, but I’ll need to borrow them first.

If not, then you’re screwed.

Everybody knows that Civ is basically electronic crack. My advice is to take it like a bipedal hominid! Just play until your eyes start to bleed. Try not to whine about it so much, as you lose your sight, feeling, and capacity to think in non-turn-based time. It distracts the rest of us from our games. I’m building the Pyramids!

Next week: About that slimy alien creature that crawled into my ear a couple of months ago — do you think it could be taking over my … garble, garble … NEVER MIND.

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This piece doesn’t appear in my new collection Pirate Therapy & Other Cures, but it almost did; you can win a copy in a Goodreads giveaway that ends May 15.

Add me as a friend while you’re there!

Alltop is still excited about Monopoly. Originally published in May, 2005.