Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?

Ask General KangFirst of all, check the finger carefully. If it’s not a pinkie from the same species, then you’re probably okay.

I was once really freaked out by Colonel (now Major) Bonzo and his wife had me over for a “special” dinner — rhesus monkey soup. Now, I’m sure Chanel (Mrs. Bonzo) is a great cook, but she was not at her best that night. Rhesus monkey for Christsakes!

But not, I should point out, the same species as me. (Handsome chimp.) Still, it was a little too close for comfort, and I’ve been sticking to bologna and termites ever since.

If you’re unfortunate enough to be served a pinkie from your own species, and you inadvertently eat it, then you’re probably safe too — nobody’s going to call you a cannibal.

The other caveat I would hasten to add, that if the pinkie isn’t from the same species, but that species is able to communicate with you (such as we are doing now, General Kang-to-confused gourmand) then you’re back in the cannibal soup.

So to speak.

Next week: What is the proper etiquette for global domination?

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This piece appears in my new collection Pirate Therapy & Other Cures; you can win a copy in a Goodreads giveaway that ends May 15.

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Alltop is all about Internet cannibalism! Originally published August 2005.

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