Billy was up to three packs a day, but it was okay; he was in training for the All-Tar Olympics. His coach said he was a natural, and he had several lucrative endorsements even before he won any medals. He might have been worried about the nagging cough, the chunks of ochre phlegm he horked up after every set of smokes, but Billy was sanguine.
His twin brother, Jimmy, had a perfectly fine set of lungs just waiting to be cut out of his useless chest.
Alltop smokes stogies. Photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published, April, 2010.
You must be writing from Canada, right? Surely you know more about dealing with cold temperatures than I do. I’m the wrong interstellar overlord to ask, because generally speaking, I only take over star systems that have warm, humid planets.
That was after the ill-fated expedition to capture Edmontovia XIII, known amongst the simian conqueror set as the “Monkey’s Tomb”. I invaded with a pert little army of she-üchimps decked out in tutus and plasma weapons, but we were not adequately prepared for the surface conditions on the planet.
The ambient temperature dropped to thirty below on a pretty regular basis, and then with the wind chill effect added it, whoa nelly! You know the phrase, “cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey?” You probably think that has some old naval connection, but it actually originates with my great-uncle, General Karg — the original interstellar overlord, who had the family jewels encased in bronzed iridium after an unfortunate “incident” with a Bleblonian pleasure ape, you know, to protect them.
And yes, at those temperatures, they just drop off.
Ew. But, back to my question: How do you stay warm?
I find drinking single malt in a down sleeping bag works pretty well if you don’t have pleasure ape handy.
Next time: If you are trapped in a spaceship on the event horizon of a black hole, what’s the best way to get your shirts laundered?
More primate pleasures available at Alltop . Originally published December, 2008.
From The Levels of Drinking Consciousness: A Unified Theory:
The Hammer leads, inevitably, to “The Inebriation,” leading you to the next layer down, the monkey layer.
Now, this part of our mind understands that there are consequences to actions. It’s social too. The monkey might want to say… have sex with your best friend’s sibling, but it probably wouldn’t because it would understand that it would get punished if it did. If it thought it could get away with it, then perhaps it would proceed. It is the part of the mind that buys rounds for that person at the end of the bar, because, as Miller says, “you like their face.”
The monkey, in other words, is the ego.
At some point, you will have the drink that we, in the Cult, call “The Wedge”. This beverage totally frees monkey, and is the part of the evening that is most fun. It is the part that Miller spends most of his routine describing. “We’re going to Florida!” Now, if you continue to drink, then you are entering dangerous, dangerous territory.
Read the rest here, if you dare.
Alltop is the lizard of humor aggregators.
Chief Massasoit presents items NOT supplied for the first Thanksgiving, circa 1621 (only slide)
- deep-fried turkey
- cranberry sauce
- potatoes, white or sweet
- pie of any kind (there were pumpkins, though).
Pilgrim chef suggests the following harvest feast, circa 1621 (second slide)
- wild fowl
- lobsters, mussels
- “sallet herbs” (whatever they are)
- black and red plums
- flint corn
- venison (thanks to Chief Massasoit and Wampanoag tribe for providing).
Sarah Josepha Hale, editor Godey’s Lady’s Book, presents: Let’s invent a holiday, circa 1854 (slide 3)
- roast turkey
- savory stuffing
- pumpkin pie
- Indians? What Indians?
Abraham Lincoln proclaims Thanksgiving an annual holiday in 1863 (fifth slide)
- in the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity
- still, should set apart and observe the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens
- family bickering a part of the holiday — be happy with bickering compared to civil war.
President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares that Thanksgiving would be the next to last Thursday of November, 1939 (second slide)
- depression sucks
- can’t advertise Christmas until after Turkey Day
- this gives merchants a longer period to sell goods before Christmas.
In 1941 Congress decides the last Thursday of November as Thanksgiving (only slide)
- ‘Franksgiving’ not celebrated by every state
- Split difference — sometimes Abe’s day, sometimes Franky-boy’s.
Arlo Guthrie presents Alice’s Restaurant Massacre in 1967 (only slide)
- two Thanksgivings ago helped Alice (great dinner)
- dumped garbage illegally (dump closed for T-day)
- got ticket, convicted (had to pick up garbage)
- no fit serve in Vietnam (and kill a bunch of people) because I was a litterbug.
Happy Thanksgiving (a day early) to everyone in the States!
Alltop is stuffed with humor. And walnuts. Originally published, November, 2005. Inspired by:The First Thanksgiving | Alice’s Restaurant | Original photo by Frayed