About Mark A. Rayner

Human-shaped, simian-obsessed, robot-fighting, pirate-hearted, massively-bestselling wannabe, Mark A. Rayner is an award-winning writer of satirical and speculative fiction.

Batman Lashes Out at the Other Members of the Justice League of America After Spending the Weekend at the Jack Nicholson Film Festival

Batman loses it

You know, I’m getting a little tired of all the snide remarks about the way I fight crime.

We live in a world that has villains, and those villains have to be defeated by men with Batarangs. Or superpowers, if you’ve got them. (Yeah, and females too, don’t get your star-spangled knickers in a knot, Wonder Women.) I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the psychotic killer that I sent to the hospital last night, and you curse my “methods”. You have that luxury.

Green Lantern, you can always capture crooks with that weird glowing shit from your alien ring. And you Wonder Woman, I wonder if that golden truth-telling lasso is as innocuous as it looks? You have easy options.

You know that when I beat that punk to within an inch of his life, while tragic for him, I saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I find it particularly ironic that you, Martian Manhunter find me grotesque, but you do, don’t you, you green uni-browed freak!

I’ll grant my methods are extreme, but they work. You people with your superpowers don’t dare admit it. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me cruising the streets of Gotham in my Batmobile, you need me in my Batmobile! Who else is going to clean up that bat-hole?

I use words like discipline and detective work and a lot of made-up words starting with “Bat”. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent intimidating the criminal classes. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to you, who succeed because of the detective work that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Batarang and solve a few crimes without your superpowers.

Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think is “excessive” or “brutal” or “verging on insane”. Continue reading

Film History 2035E: Yer Whippin’ It, Pilgrim: Critical Analysis of Devonic Headgear in Classic Hollywood Westerns

John Wayne wearing Devo hat

2 baffling lecture hours and a 1-hour tutorial in which your TA will try to make sense of it all

This course will examine, through critical analysis of the films of Ford, Sturges, Peckinpah and Whoopzingo, the counter-temporal influences of the 80s-era rock band and religious cult, Devo. Theatrical discussion of Devonic Headgear as described in the writings of writings of Marx, Gramsci, and Foucault will round out the contextual framework of this important topic.

Alltop whips it funny.

Austria, 1912

The Uber-Musik Boys

Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen Thrash scene, most of them had to take on menial jobs milking goats and persecuting small animals to make ends meet.

Young Adolf, in particular, was embittered.

#

The FridgularityKick off your summer holidays with a fun summer read. Right now you can get the paperback of The Fridgularity for 25% off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press. Use coupon code: BE3H5AJV. 

Available in all formats in all the usual places online:

Paperback ($15.99)
Amazon.com | Barnes & Noble Amazon.ca

Ebooks ($4.95)
Kindle | Smashwords | Kobo | Nook | iTunes

Some members of Alltop are also bitter. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published, February 2009.