Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Colonel Sanders Crosses the Delaware

Great Moments in History (Vol. 1)

Little-known to most historians, “Colonel” Harland Sanders crossed the Delaware on December 25, 1776, just after George Washington’s boat. For his help in feeding the troops and giving free soda refills during the brutal winter of 1776 he was made an “Honorary Colonel”. After the war, the Second Continental Congress [note] awarded him the first fried chicken franchise in the new colonies.

[note:] Of course, the war didn’t actually end until the Treaty of Paris, but Sanders was awarded his honorary title DURING the 2nd Continental Congress. His promotion came after the disastrous winter of 1776, most likely in that July, before they signed the Declaration of Independence. (Incidentally, this happened in Philadelphia, where they shunned their traditional mode of serving steak for a chicken-fried version of the dish, to celebrate Sanders, and the birth of a nation devoted to freedom and saturated fats.)

The rest, as they say, is crave-it-fortnightly history.

Alltop knows some of the herbs and none of the spices. The original oil painting was done by Emanuel Leutze in 1851.

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Apocalypse Cow

apocalypse cow

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin’ program.

And me? I was off the boat the same time as Kurtz. Sure, I’d been obeying orders, but my mind was gone. I was in fields of green and clover. With milkmaids.

Oh man, those bullshit milkmaids…

But I had a job to do, and there would be no welcome, supple fingers pulling on my teats when we got to the end of the river. Only charcoal briquettes.

The barbecue … the barbecue.

Alltop is the catastrophic cattle baron of humor. Originally published on Name Your Tale, 2009.

Before the Internet

before the internet

Normally, I just nod my head in agreement with xkcd, but in this case, I must take exception. Before the Internet, life was much more exciting. There were things to do — the hard way — and much to accomplish. Not to mention all the challenging people and situations we faced before the Internet was created. For example:

  • dinosaurs
  • Nazis
  • pirates (the eye-patchy kind)
  • ninjas
  • C.H.U.Ds (though to be fair we’re still plagued by these in certain areas)
  • dinosaur-riding ninja Nazis (I would really like to see a cartoon of that one, if any budding artist are out there)
  • librarians.

Just sayin’.

Update:
On the other hand, the Internet does deliver on the awesome. It wouldn’t take much to add a Nazi armband to the ninja, plus: robot pirate!

how the world ends - robot pirate fighting dinosaur-riding ninja

Alltop is the Internet librarian of funny. Pic by Ctrl + Alt + Del.

La dolce vita

Dinosaur in shopping cart

It wasn’t always so easy. There used to be an anger in him. An emptiness that nothing could fill … nothing material anyway.

He fell through time and space, and into a kind of dream. And it seemed as though an age passed him by, the stars streaming through the sky as though he watched them in time lapse photography. A billion billion tiny wisps of light that reminded him of Carl Sagan’s wonder at the universe.

And when it all stopped, when the spinning ended, he was filled.

Though the cart was still empty.

Alltop has no idea what the fuck just happened there. Photo by mugley on Flickr.