Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Apocalypse Cow

apocalypse cow

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin’ program.

And me? I was off the boat the same time as Kurtz. Sure, I’d been obeying orders, but my mind was gone. I was in fields of green and clover. With milkmaids.

Oh man, those bullshit milkmaids…

But I had a job to do, and there would be no welcome, supple fingers pulling on my teats when we got to the end of the river. Only charcoal briquettes.

The barbecue … the barbecue.

Alltop is the catastrophic cattle baron of humor. Originally published on Name Your Tale, 2009.

5

Before the Internet

before the internet

Normally, I just nod my head in agreement with xkcd, but in this case, I must take exception. Before the Internet, life was much more exciting. There were things to do — the hard way — and much to accomplish. Not to mention all the challenging people and situations we faced before the Internet was created. For example:

  • dinosaurs
  • Nazis
  • pirates (the eye-patchy kind)
  • ninjas
  • C.H.U.Ds (though to be fair we’re still plagued by these in certain areas)
  • dinosaur-riding ninja Nazis (I would really like to see a cartoon of that one, if any budding artist are out there)
  • librarians.

Just sayin’.

Update:
On the other hand, the Internet does deliver on the awesome. It wouldn’t take much to add a Nazi armband to the ninja, plus: robot pirate!

how the world ends - robot pirate fighting dinosaur-riding ninja

Alltop is the Internet librarian of funny. Pic by Ctrl + Alt + Del.

La dolce vita

Dinosaur in shopping cart

It wasn’t always so easy. There used to be an anger in him. An emptiness that nothing could fill … nothing material anyway.

He fell through time and space, and into a kind of dream. And it seemed as though an age passed him by, the stars streaming through the sky as though he watched them in time lapse photography. A billion billion tiny wisps of light that reminded him of Carl Sagan’s wonder at the universe.

And when it all stopped, when the spinning ended, he was filled.

Though the cart was still empty.

Alltop has no idea what the fuck just happened there. Photo by mugley on Flickr.

Ask General Kang: When is it okay to call someone to a Nazi?

Ask General KangI suppose it’s not a problem if the person is a Nazi, but I can’t think of a lot of other circumstances where it would be helpful.

Presumably, you’re doing so to damage their reputation in some way, but consider this: if the person is a Nazi, either because they are still somehow a card-carrying member of the National Socialist party, or because they sympathize and wish they could go back in time to join the party, then perhaps they might not be insulted by you’re calling them a Nazi.

I mean, you can call me a diminutive simian intergalactic overlord and I won’t get upset.

If you want to damage their reputation, there are much better ways of doing so. For example, pick on a quirk of their personality or appearance and make an insulting allusion. When I was taking over on Neecknaw (my home world) I faced a number of political opponents, and this was always a successful tactic. Here are a few insults you could try:

  • compare their sexual habits to those of a Blufnistian slug trollop
  • question their patriotism and personal hygiene by asking if they’re descended from a long line of feces-stained Quisling birds
  • wonder if they are mentally deficient by stating they couldn’t pour liquid waste out of Flimdian super-boot, even if there were instructions written on the heel.

Or you could always call them a racist. That ALWAYS works.

Next time: My particle accelerator is refusing to toast my Pop-Tart: does this mean its becoming artificially intelligent?

Alltop had to move to Argentina. Originally published, Feb.2009. Now appearing in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.