Author Archive | Mark A. Rayner

Ten incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria, Laser Beams powering upYay, it’s Victoria Day — a well-deserved long weekend holiday. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

  1. Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
  2. If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
  3. Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
  4. She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
  5. Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
  6. Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
  7. Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
  8. Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
  9. Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
  10. Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
  11. Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we STILL celebrate Victoria Day — we’re too terrified to stop.

Vickie would be most amused if you purchased one of my books…

 

Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.

6

New Fiction: Empty Space Times Two

old-fashioned typewriter hammers

This piece is probably the most straight-up sentimental thing I’ve ever written, but I’m quite chuffed to join the ranks of the writers who have been published by The Saturday Evening Post. (That includes, you guessed it, my literary hero, Kurt Vonnegut.)

In case you’re wondering, it’s NOT autobiographical, though I did take a typing class in grade nine on the advice of my cousin, Beth. All the effort of learning to type has paid off 1000-fold, though I never had a relationship based on it. 🙂

You can find the story in their contemporary fiction section: Empty Space Times Two. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#28)

 Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 2.32.48 PM

From the Book of Unpardonable Footwear:

And so it was that Amos, the Most Holy Prophet of in the Reign of Uzziah, said unto the Chosen: “A time comes when there shall be a confluence of Sandals and Stogies.”

sinful boot sandalsYet the Chosen knew not of Stogies, and Amos was made to explain: “When we have returned to Judah, and danger is all around, there shall be riders of horses, and keepers of cows. And the cows and the horses will maketh of men beasts, and they shall wear cloven hooves on their feet. They shall revel in their wicked ways, and drinketh of the beer and watcheth of the Nascar. And many years shall pass, and their sin shall no bounds, when they cut their Shit-Kickers to look like the Holy Sandal.”

And a wail of despair came from the Chosen, but Amos would not shut up.

“Lo, it shall be! The Boots will Become Open-Toed, and the Lord will Weep to see their shame. And the End of Days shall loom!”

As foretold in mythic times — satirical novels and flash fiction to keep you in sin!

Alltop is one funny little open-toed doggie. Newsy proof: Cowboy boot sandals a hot new summer trend

Twitterpocalypse

Twitterpocalypse

Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I recommend starting here:

landinggroup oneLandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

WedgieHappybriefs I’ve destroyed all them in my house with a fern spritzer and my son’s SuperSoaker. I know, it’s stupid, but water does it! #pocylpse
less than 5 seconds ago from web

BovatimeBovatime The goats have thrown in with them.
We’re fucked.
less than 5 seconds ago from TractorTweet

The bean eaterBeanlover They’re all devastated by water — robots, monkeys, zombie-mushroom-people. All of them. RT, RT, RT! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

c3poSeePeeOh Thank god I got that RT. Flying monkeys are carrying blasters! Laser beams. Whatever. RT! Follow the discussion, people! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from mobile web

default iconNormalman RT @Rockrchick @UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Big HairRockrchick RT@UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweetDeck

PKDICKThumperB I’ve decided there is no God.
This is bullshit!
less than 10 seconds ago from Twirl

glasses guyUberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

WedgieHappybriefsBasement no good. Mushroom things can dig man! Water is their kryptonite though. Isn’t that gay? #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

chicken bigChknlady Managed to get away from shroomers — kind of like zombies, eh? In stairwell with only one bar. Just in case, I love you Dan!
less than 10 seconds ago from mobile web

terminatorBallbearing12 Their skulls crush so easily.
Sweet.
less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Orangu-PirateCaptnjojo @CreamGirl It means the apocalypse. More of a war of the world scenario, really. Suppose fire from landing ships is #biblical. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from web

50s Mom50sMama Why there are flying monkeys stuck in my chimney? The little creatures outside really do look like mushrooms. They’ve eaten my cat.
less than 20 seconds ago from web

landinggroup oneLandingPartyOne Release cybermorphs!

less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

BovatimeBovatime Goats are negotiating with mushroom people . Cows making a run for it. Both udderly disgraceful.
less than 20 seconds ago from TractorTweet

womans headHandbaglady Flying monkey grabbed new purse. 🙁 Mushroom person eating foot. Looks like Kuato with leprosy and long teeth. Yes, I’ve seen Total Recall.
less than 20 seconds ago from mobile web

PKDICKThumperB This sucks. Clearly, I missed the Rapture. I think the mushroom people are devils. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from Twirl

Cream GirlCreamGirl What does #pocylpse mean?

less than 20 seconds ago from web

chicken bigChknlady Weird crtures bitng me!

less than 30 seconds from mobile web

chicken bigChknlady Just got up and going for jog.

1 minute ago from mobile web

Orangu-PirateCaptnjojo Looks like this might be an article to read quickly. I don’t like the look of those shroom-dudes. #pocylpse
1 minute ago from web

girlHappygrrl > @Blobbob You’re OUTING someone at the End of the World? You’re so UNFOLLOWED. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from TweetDeck

c3poSeePeeOh @DrTundra No. Monkeys. I don’t think you needed to take peyote today. Plus the parking lot is crawling with mushroom people. We’re doomed!
2 minutes ago from mobile web

Mr. PosterBlobbob The whole house is shaking. The monkey screaming! I think this is it. I’ve been dying to let everyone know Darren is gay. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from web

Orangu-PirateCaptnjojo @BolandOR I like the idea of occupying a WalMart. Kind of like Born in the Great WalMart Stand. Story here: http://bit.ly/cImX
2 minutes ago from web

WedgieHappyBriefs Won’t be back online for a while. Going to basement! #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from TweetDeck

the smoking cowDrTundra Should the sky be that color? What is that flying through the air? Should I have drunk that peyote shake this morning? #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from web

PKDICKThumperB @BolandOR You shouldn’t make fun of the Bible’s prophecies. The Word is real. The Whore is among us!
4 minutes ago from Twirl

50s Mom50sMoma I think one of those things just attacked the postal worker. Isn’t a shame we can’t say PostMAN anymore?
4 minutes ago from web

Davinci donnaDonnaVinci @50sMoma What kind of mushrooms do you use in muffins? Shitaki?
4 minutes ago from web

50s Mom50sMoma Baking muffins and watching strange things run down the street. Look like mushrooms with legs.
5 minutes ago from web

landinggroup oneLandingPartyONE Unleash ground forces.
Keep your fingers away from the cages!
5 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

Wild HairBolandOR @Beteeee Seriously, a #monkey# apocalypse. What about something #Biblical, like frogs?
6 minutes ago from web

womans headHandbaglady Just bought the most darling handbag at Saks.

6 minutes ago from mobile web

WedgieHappybriefs@ Beanlover How about #pocylpse?

6 minutes ago from TweetDeck.

The bean eaterBeanlover What’s the hashtag for this?

6 minutes ago from web

WedgieHappybriefsNot an earthquake. But there’s something weird going on out there. Look at the sky!
7 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

landinggroup oneLandingPartyONE It is time to release aero-forces. Ensure their “Lasers” are armed.
8 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

beteBeteeee@BolandOR I am getting SO tired of blithe references to the zombie apocalypse. What if it’s not zombies? What if it’s robots, or monkeys?
7 minutes ago from web

Wild HairBolandOR Excellent article about how to survive coming zombie #apocalypse. http://bit.ly/SyzBo
8 minutes ago from mobile web

penguinPenguinlover Hi everyone. Just got up and gonna get me some brain food. And coffee!
8 minutes ago from web

landinggroup oneLandingPartyONE Set up account.
We are happy.
8 minutes ago from web

glasses guyUberPR @Happbriefs Yeah, we got it here in Manhattan too. Earthquake?
9 minutes ago from web

Happybriefs Did anyone else in Schenectady feel that shudder? It was like an earthquake or something.
9 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

BovatimeBovatime Cows are acting weird.
Goats too.
10 minutes ago from TractorTweet

One of these books has no mention of the apocalypse. Read them all to discover which!

Alltop would probably side with the goats. You can follow the author at http://twitter.com/markarayner. Thanks to Bolandtor and Bete for some of the icons. Originally posted on April 23, 2009, but I think it holds up.