Rick Salutin has a serious go at CBC (TV) news in the Globe and Mail today, and I think his criticisms are richly deserved. I’m not a regular viewer of The National, the CBC’s flagship news program, but I did catch it a couple of times this week. I was struck by how hard it was to pay attention. I was distracted by the lack of chairs.

“Why is everyone walking around? Why are we watching a conversation between Peter and that reporter babe (does anyone else find the proportion of gorgeous young women working as reporters there suspicious) in PROFILE? Shouldn’t we be cutting to their faces at least a little?”

I dunno, maybe I’m an old fart, but Rick’s article focuses on the content issues, which are legion.

I have a life-long love affair with CBC Radio, but I’ve always been baffled by CBC TV — why, for example, is there so much advertising, and American programming — and indifferent to CBC news. The latest make-over does not endear me any more, but Rick says it better:

The CBC execs are beside themselves with the thrill of it. Their endless in-house memos rely heavily on triple exclamation marks as punctuation: “The energy in the building is palpable … The torch has been passed … We have moved from a Buick to a Ferrari …!!!” (Oddly dated images, by the way, and insulting.)

It’s as though it’s all about them: their new sets and graphics, full-page ads, U.S. consultants. Watching CBC news now feels like living inside English-language boss Richard Stursberg’s head, the man who endowed the CBC with a “factual entertainment” department. Yet, oddly it is still a public network, paid for by all of us. In ancient times, the founder of the National Film Board, John Grierson, used to remind employees daily that they were there to serve the people of Canada, not his own abundant ego. That simple thought out of Richard Stursberg’s mouth is unimaginable. Instead, the people who pay are treated as bottom-feeders not worth a reference to a former premier or a translation from the Greek in yesterday’s Olympic torch feed from Athens. (CTV had a translation.) Let them eat sets and graphics. Low-rent TVO’s nightly hour, The Agenda , now outdoes anything on CBC.

I was relieved to see that they gave the At Issues panel (one of the segments I always enjoy, even if it leaves me gnashing my teeth some days) and Rex Murphy chairs. Old farts shouldn’t have to stand.

And kudos to Rick for mentioning The Agenda. Excellent program!

Wow, it’s hard to believe that we’ve already got to the last two episodes. And here they are, without further blah, blah, blah:

Episode Fourteen — Part V (Chapters one and two):

Spider and Seedy finally come to the Kunfu-riffic conclusion to their kidnapping caper, learning all about Japanese sword-making, physics and why acrylic ski masks suck. In chapter two, the gang finally puts their plan into action, and they capture the King of the Gag, learning that he has some seriously lizardfish proclivities. And that two women kissing is not as hot as it first sounds.

An excerpt from the kidnapping, as Shute arrives at Helena’s apartment:

The idea was that Max and I were going to get into Helena’s closet and wait for their signal. They hoped to get Shute to agree to being tied up, as part of their little three-some. If that went off without a hitch, then it should make things considerably easier.

We all had another drink together, to kill the last twenty minutes before Shute was due to arrive. No doubt he would be fashionably late. By one pm, we were all keyed up. I don’t mind telling you there was an awkward psycho-sexual energy in the room, not at all dampened by another round of scotch. Honza Chodets was tasting better and better.

I was so wound up, I almost dropped my scotch, when at five-to-one, there was a knock at the door. Helena grabbed our drinks, poured them into the sink, and shooed us into her bedroom, where Max and I got into the walk-in closet. Ariadne waited in the bedroom, looking at me through the slats in Helena’s closet doors.

Helena let Shute in and his eyebrows actually arched when he saw what she was wearing. “Where’s Thipirous?” he asked. “I hope she’s not dressed as provocatively as you Borovich, or my heart might not be able to take it.”

Marvellous Hairy - a novel in five fractals -

Make the most of your inner monkey!

Episode Fifteen — Part V (Chapters three to seven):

After they move Shute, Helena and Max have an ethical discussion about kidnapping, medical malpractice, and branding. The media conference is more like a circus, as the media isn’t exactly on its best behavior. And then Rob gets to watch while the Ghosts have their revenge. In the end, they all live, happily, and ever after. Though Nick still has something to say through his lovely Titania3000.

An excerpt from Dr. Tundra and Helena’s discussion of branding:

“Seriously. You like scotch, right? So say you buy a cer-tain brand and we know that there’s this other brand that is just as good, but less expensive. We can help you find that other brand,” Helena said

“Hmm. Single malt kind of defies the brand concept, I think,” Max replied.

“No, not at all. In fact, single malt is a great example of the power of the brand. We all know that Glenfiddich is a good scotch, but there are lots of other single malts that are better. But everyone knows Glenfiddich — even people who don’t like single malt scotch — because of the strength of its brand. It’s not just the actual product, it’s about the feelings you have for the product. And that’s because they were branding their scotch before people even knew what branding was.”

“So what is Gargantuan’s brand?”

“That’s the problem I have with Shute.”

“That’s your problem? Not the fact that he’s just messed with Nick’s DNA?” Max said. He looked at Shute contemptuously, and for a moment Helena thought he might kick the partially conscious man.

“Well, that too, but he’s not building the Gargantuan brand.”

“You’ve helped kidnap him because of branding?”

“Oh, no, I have other reasons too, but that is my corporate reason for doing so.”

Marvellous Hairy - a novel in five fractals -

Make the most of your inner monkey!

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, or at Amazon.com.

Just a few more days until the draw for the Go Tuck (erize) Yourself! contest.

Now, if you’ve entered, or think you will, this is an excellent time to start thinking about how you would like to appear in my next book. Actually, to say next book is to narrow it down too much. I’m currently at work on two books; both are satires (naturally). One is a speculative fiction, the broad theme of which is artificial intelligence, and the other is a historical fiction — or rather, a gentle send-up of the kinds of historical fictions that win Booker and Giller Prizes on a regular basis.

You can put yourself in either book. Almost anything goes. You can appear as yourself — with your name attached, or as a pseudonym. Or your cameo can be somewhat fictionalized. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to be a pirate. Or maybe a ninja. (I hope not, but there’s no accounting for tastes.) Maybe you’d like to be a character with an extra appendage. Almost anything goes, as long as we can work it into the story in a way that doesn’t completely destroy the structural integrity of the novel.

So, what do you imagine you’d like to do with this opportunity? Feel free to share here.

Still want to enter? Join my fan page or my newsletter (sign up for both to double your chances). You have until midnight, October 31st!

The prizes for the draw again are:

1. a chance to appear in a walk-on role in my next book
2. a chance to win one of ten copies of Marvellous Hairy, a novel in five fractals
3. a “mystery” item from my desk.

Thanks for the excellent pirate pic by practicalowl.

Episode Thirteen — Part IV (Chapters eight to twelve): Hippolyta comes up with a way for her kidnappers to get her father’s codes, while giving her some hope of surviving the whole caper. Rob, Ariadne, Helena, Erma and Max cook up a plan to get Shute, and let the whole world know about what Gargantuan has done to Nick. Shute gets some great news about his ménage, and Rob discovers that he can learn about things in a new way.

An excerpt:

As we were going over the notes again, a picture emerged of where Hippolyta was — not from good detective work, though the skeptics amongst you will say that’s what it was. I just saw it. I thought I could smell the Shade of Antonia’s perfume as an image of an old husk of an apartment building filled my mind.

I described it to everyone, almost like I was reading the description from a kidnapper’s guide book: “The Skanky Apartments, down in the un-gentrified part of the docklands are a perfect setting for any kind of shady endeavour, but if you plan to kidnap and freakishly dismember an heiress, you couldn’t ask for a nicer location. There’s no people around, there’s lots of ambiance, and the rooms are decorated in the original retro style. Just add fungus and decay and you have felonious magic!”

Everyone looked at me the way they did when the first saw Nick, post monkeyfication.

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, because surely you don’t want to wait until November, when it will be in stores?

Marvellous Hairy - a novel in five fractals -

Make the most of your inner monkey!

I love this review. (Even if it’s only four stars, not five.) I love the writer’s take on the book and the fact that the reviewer picked up on poignancy of the story as well. Here’s a short clip:

Peopled by the most fabulous cast of miscreants and heroes, who incidentally I want to read more of, this novel is brilliantly paced. In fact it never lets loose. The action sequences towards the end are timed to precision and it boasts a tight structure. It even contains a helpful cast of characters at the beginning, like they are the players in a Shakespearean play – genius!

Marvellous Hairy is a funny, engaging novel about serious issues but it is never in danger of becoming didactic or angry – Rayner manages to walk this line with skill and with, I would imagine, a smile on his face.

You can find it at Amazon and on Goodreads.