Ask General Kang: Should we boycott the 2008 Olympics?

Ask General KangAbsolutely not!

Do you realize how hard some of the athletes competing in this summer’s games have had to work to get to the Olympics? Some of them get up at 5 am to train. Every morning! Are you going to be the killjoy who’s going to tell them they can’t go to Beijing just because some totalitarian government has been oppressing its citizens, or committing cultural genocide or torturing babies?

I mean, all your crap is made in China, right? Have you stopped buying stuff from them to register your displeasure with China’s human rights record? Besides, it would just make it worse for the Chinese people.

When I was an Interstellar Overlord we had this once-a-decade celebration of simian athletic prowess we called the “Ape Races”, which was similar to your Olympics. Do you know what I did when Planet Backscratch boycotted my Ape Games to protest our treatment of the Numnum Cult? (They were a misguided bunch of bonobos on Sebaceous III who believed all apes should live in harmony, share their resources and mates, and which promoted frequent public grooming sessions.)

I sterilized the surface of Sebaceous III with plasma weapons. (It took weeks for the grease fires to stop.)

Screw you Planet Backscratch!

Plus Neecknaw won all the sports worth mentioning — the Tree-Swinging Relay, the Who-Can-Not-Drown Regatta, and of course, the Great Fling. (Our team’s ability to propel fecal matter through the air is now legendary.)

Ew. What if we just boycotted the Opening Ceremonies?

I suppose. It would make some kind of point, and still allow everyone to enjoy the Games. Just don’t mess with the Sponsors. Otherwise, they might boycott the Winter Games in Vancouver. You don’t want that now, do you?

Next time: Something funny is going on in my trousers. Is it some kind of dimensional breach, or should I consult a physician?

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