Improved Winter Olympics Sports: Skurlington

Certain death awaits the skip unless these sweepers slow down the skeleton-rider

We love the Winter Olympics. They are much more fun than the Summer Olympics, but let’s face it, everyone at The Skwib will be boycotting the 2008 Olympics, except General Kang who is the competing in the “One Meter Pistol Event”

So we would like to see a few extra sports at this games to warm our memories while we’re boycotting 2008. We also think some of the Winter sprots could be a bit more exciting with a few minor tweaks.

Our first suggestion is to combine Curling and Skeleton — the most fascinating and most dangerous competitions in one sport.

Instead of rocks, curlers will now use live human beings on their skeletons. Instead of increasing their speed with brooms, curlers will be responsible for slowing the skeleton-rider down with their specially designed “ice-roughening” devices — a kind of polearm with ice picks and crampons. The secret? Not roughening the ice too much, or the skeleton-rider may become airborn.

Instead of launching the rock, the skip’s new job is to lie immobile in the “target zone” at the end of the skurlington run (a new form of sheet that is as steep as the traditional skeleton run, but with a large flat surface at the end, painted with a bull’s eye). Skips will not be allowed to wear any protective gear of any kind. Sweepers are allowed helmets, and the skeleton-rider can have full body armor.

Note: the sweepers and skip must stop the progress of the skeleton-rider before he or she hits the explosive-laden wall at the back of the skurlington ice sheet.

Next time: ice hockey dance.

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