Articles by Mark A. Rayner

Well, I’m totally against it.

From what I can see there is too much instant gratification happening here on Terra; and this is at least some part of the reason why I am conquering this world soon.

I’m a fan of a system of gratification we call The Rectitude on my home world.

The Rectitude started out as philosophical movement of neo-utopian bonobos, but it eventually caught on within the simian population at large, and I hope that someday it will catch on amongst the primates of this world too.

What is The Rectitude?

It sounds kind of proctologist-y, but essentially, to have some kind of physical gratification, the idea is that first you have to earn it. (Yes, just go ahead, say it just like John Houseman.)

The best kind of Rectitude to earn is through intense physical effort. For example, if you climb a mountain, that earns you lots of Rectitude – at least a week of all kinds of debauchery. Walk to the store instead of driving, and that probably earns you enough Rectitude to eat the Cheese Doodles you were going to get in the first place.

Once Earth is fully under my control, every sentient being on the planet can look forward to a lifetime of earning and expending Rectitude.

Stop groaning! It will be good for you humans to learn a little self-discipline!

Next time: How do you handle unwanted sexual advances, particularly from another species?

You know who has rectitude? Hard working humor writers.

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The Vatican is making great contributions to the world of astronomy, not least of which is their plan to incorporate “extraterrestrial brothers” into the Catholic fold.

A bit of history before I pass along the news: The Inquisition condemned Galileo for suggesting the outlandish idea that the Earth orbited the sun (and not vice versa.) Galileo wisely recanted this scientifically sound idea, mostly because he did not like having hot pokers exploring his Black Hole. You’ll be happy to know that the Vatican now accepts the validity of the idea that the Earth revolves around the sun. (In 1992, the Church agreed that he was correct, and the Inquisition was wrong — with the stipulation that the Inquisition acted in good faith, super-heated probes notwithstanding.)

Since this momentous change in policy, a new Pope has taken office. Pope Benedict he has installed Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes as head of the Vatican Observatory and as his scientific advisor. The 45-year-old Jesuit priest is enthusiastic about the possibility of intelligent aliens existing:

“Just as there is a multiplicity of creatures on Earth, there can be other beings, even intelligent, created by God. This is not in contrast with our faith because we can’t put limits on God’s creative freedom,” he said. “Why can’t we speak of a ‘brother extraterrestrial’? It would still be part of creation,” he said.

And when we find these ET brother? Interstellar missionaries of course! What a fabulous chance to increase the membership in the Church. Let’s just hope the aliens aren’t the kind with acid for blood, enjoy hunting humans for sport, or are Scientologists [pictured right]. Oh, and Reverend Funes may want to read The Sparrow before he goes. (Unless he enjoys Uranus play.)

I highly recommend The Sparrow [Wiki], by the way. New Scientist stories: ET poses no problem for Vatican. Vatican admits Galileo was right. The Vatican does have issues with Humor-blogs.com and Alltop.

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Anyone who enjoys satire, and has a source for the pure stuff, please send along a link for next week’s Carnival of Satire. Believe it or not, it will be the 100 th edition! Let me know your blog as well as the URL of the satire you’re recommending. It’s okay if it’s your own, but only those who selflessly promote someone else’s work will get a chance to win a copy of THE AMADEUS NET. (And if you’ve already bought a copy, we’ll figure something out.) You can use the form here at BlogCarnival, or just email the details to skwib@markarayner.com (please put Carnival of Satire submission in the subject line). The deadline is next Wednesday evening.

Yep, that was the 100th edition. Still, the Carnival of Satire is much younger than John McCain. This is a fun site which is both satirical and ageist, via the busy Hermenautic Circle Blog. And while you’re there, you will want to follow the link to Braniac, which has an interesting and groovy re-think on who the various generations are, and how they are different.

Or you may just want to relax with the Carnival of Insanities, humor-blogs.com, or alltop.

If none of this does the trick, then perhaps you should have some carbs.

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As you may have noticed, the author has been somewhat obsessed with news about obesity, fat, losing fat, fitting into one’s pants, and so on. There is a reason, but he’s not sharing. Instead, he thought he would share this Reutars story:

Free liposuction supplies cosmetics entrepreneur

Monday May 13, 2008 8:55 AM ET

SANTA BERNARDO, California (Ruetars) — A plastic surgeon is offering a number of free services, including liposuction, to patients in the northern Californian spa town of Santa Bernardo.

“How can we afford it?” asks Dr. Darryl Lipid, owner of Sebaceous Cosmetics. “Volume. Seriously, part of the deal is based on four people agreeing to the have the procedure at the same time. Until we have our new mass suction lipectomy operating theater built it will be a relatively intimate affair.”

When the new building is ready, up to 24 patients will have their excess fat removed at the same time.

Patients also have to agree to undergo liposuction without the benefit of a local anesthetic.

“Yes. We keep the costs down by performing the lipoplasty without sedatives or anesthesia of any kind,” Lipid told Ruetars. “I won’t lie to you — it’s painful, and harrowing, but for those patients who have some pockets of stubborn fat, it is worth it.”

And what becomes of the “stubborn fat”? It gets used in the products that Sebaceous Cosmetics pedals to the rich clientele of Santa Bernardo.

“Yes, it’s true. Much of the tissue is rendered and used in the creation of our Human Touch cosmetics line. Our customers find Human Touch cosmetics superior to any other top-of-the-line cosmetics product.”

A significant portion of the extracted fat is sent to Germany.

“We have an agreement with a Germany company as well. We do not know what they are doing with the excess tissue, but we have a non-competitive agreement with them, so they are not allowed to use them in cosmetics. As far as I know, Human Touch is the only line designed with actual human tissue — a real breakthrough in the business of looking your best!”

The German company is Die Antropophagia GmbH, which sells foam-in-the-can dessert toppings.

They would not grant Ruetars an interview.

Apparently, there is a way that fat people could save American business (Slate). Humor-blogs.com and alltop never speak of themselves in the third person, though he believes that is a mistake. Now, the reader will apply the lotion. Pic from somethingawful via flamke.

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Continued from the Paleolithic or Emo Stone Age

.

After the confusion of the Esoteric Age (or Middle Stone Age), things got really strange. The Neolithic (or New Stone Age) is known for the “Neolithic Revolution”, in which humans started to give up their earlier hunter-gatherer lifestyle in exchange for farming. Many experts still think this was a mistake, though it did eventually lead to the Bronze Age and improved beard-grooming implements.

Some researchers are still trying to figure out why human beings would give up the free existence of the hunter-gatherer lifestyle for the unending toil necessary for successful farming, but they’ve obviously never met anyone with a Protestant work ethic and a deep suspicion of the human body’s naughty bits.

Of course, the cultivation of grains could lead to food surpluses, but these benefits were sometimes offset by bad harvests and an increase in disease. Some believe that humans started farming for another, more compelling reason:

Some researchers will refer to this as the “beer theory of history”, but it is really just an antecedent to the Beard Theory of History, which is much more important because it is capitalized (and not in quotation marks). (Grammatically, CAPITALS kick “quotations’” ass, and (brackets) are just kind of embarrassed to be there.) Still, the “beer theory of history” is a compelling idea — the notion that we gave up hunting because of beer. This new sedentary way of life is where our current 21st century obesity “epidemic” began. (And is certainly a contributing factor for the “epidemic” striking the population of humor writers.)

In addition to farming, the Neolithic brought us home renovation. Before the Neolithic “Revolution”, we were happy to live in caves, mossy ditches and an assortment of bark-lined nests. But after the Neolithic “Revolution” we had to start building permanent dwellings, with “features” and “amenities”. Home improvement shows would begin soon thereafter. It was the downside of beer.

We also started domesticating animals. Paleontologists believe we had already domesticated dogs, but it was during the Neolithic Age that humans began to keep animals for more than their companionship and their inspiring ability to lick themselves. Some have suggested that this control over nature led humans to believe they could control other humans. Others have suggested that increasing population densities, specialized occupations and more complex societies called for a ruling class.

In either case, this is called civilization.

So one of prehistory’s greatest ironies is that the invention of beer led the majority of humans to be ruled over by a privileged class, making the majority of humans want to drink more beer. (The privileged class preferred wine, even then.)

Despite the advent of agriculture, the domestication of plants and animals, and the first hierarchical societies, humans were capable of behaving even more oddly. At this time, humans also started building elaborate tombs for the dead. Some of these magnificent structures remain today. One of them is the passage tomb at Newgrange, situated in modern-day Ireland. To this day, we have no definitive explanation of what the tomb is for, though we suspect commercial motivations:

Next: The Ultimate Pyramid Scheme

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are proof of the Beer Theory of History.

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Ah, I get this question all the time.

The answer is an emphatic no.

The rule is: vermin are permitted, but they have to be smaller than your pinkie fingernail (and non-toxic).

In social situations, rodents (mice, rats and voles especially) can be quite off-putting, if only because they eat the tasty creatures that can make for a nice grooming session.

Quite often I’ll get together with General Coco and Major Bonzo, and our respective spouses; once Major Bonzo had a swarm of killer bees hiding in his goatee, and this was a real damper on the evening. (He was a colonel before this incident.)

Next week: My spouse has mutated into a 12-foot Gila monster. How should I introduce him at social occasions?

Humor-blogs.com is rife with gila monsters. Alltop has a iguana problem.

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Designer Ze Frank has a creative way of dealing with those annoying client emails that he has to answer politely, and dare we say, with a certain amount of unctuousness. The customer is always right, but this kind of constant kowtowing can cause anger to build up, and eventually, something bad will happen. You know, an event that involves sniper rifles and bell-towers, or epic schnapps benders that end with you found dead and naked (not necessarily in that order) somewhere in Tijuana. Or, it might just develop into an internal time bomb [youtube clip].

But wait, Ze has found a way to write those cringing, polite emails without a Vesuvius of Rage building inside your brain. Just mentally replace the punctuation with your own set of phrases that will make you feel like you’re saying what you really mean. Click on the image or here to go see Ze’s (older but still funny) presentation:

Everyone always says what they mean at humor-blogs.com and alltop too.

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Researchers have discovered that you can blame your pudgy middle on bad chemicals.

According to researchers at McGill University in Montreal, Canada, a hormone secreted by the stomach can cause junkie-like behavior when you see food.

Pizza? Score! Chicken wings? Groovy! Chocolate cake? Drop that man!

The guilty culprit is not your lack of willpower, it’s the hormone ghrelin, which is made in your stomach. As you get hungry, ghrelin levels rise and when you’ve eaten, they wane. In the study, volunteers were given a shot of ghrelin and then shown pictures of scrumptious, irresistible food. Their brains lit up just like a junkie’s.

Alain Dagher, a neurologist at McGill, says this is probably an evolutionary mechanism that encouraged our distant ancestors to bulk up on tasty calories whenever they had a chance (which probably wasn’t very often.) Fast forward a few thousand years, to the Era of Addictive Chicken, and this spells an obesity epidemic.

According to the New Scientist: “Several pharmaceutical companies already have their sights set on ghrelin, as drugs that block the hormone may quell hunger and fight obesity.”

The problem? If you turn off the hormone, it may affect other parts of your brain. Like, the segment of your cerebellum that makes you happy. The part that prevents you from falling into a deep, sponge-cake-like depression. And then killing yourself.

So, a danger of suicide, but at least you wouldn’t be fat anymore.

Humor-blogs.com is hopped up on laughter. Alltop too.

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In an attempt to help understand why there is so much absolute dreck on the web, I suggest that we establish SITI — the Search for Intelligence on Teh Internet, roughly based on the model of SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence).

This is a project that is long overdue, and with any luck, we will have more luck finding intelligence than SETI.

The SETI movement was energized in the 1960s by Dr. Frank Drake, when he came up with an equation to estimate the number of extraterrestrial civilizations in our galaxy. Now, I’d like to (modestly) propose we use his equation to estimate the number of intelligent website we may be able to find on the net.

The Drake “equation” states that:

n= the total number of intelligent sites out there
R* is the rate of website formation on the Internet
fp is the fraction of those websites that have weblogs
ne is average number of weblogs which can potentially support coherent thought
fl is the fraction of the above which actually go on to demonstrate coherent thought
fi is the fraction of the above which actually go on to show a sense of humor as well
fc is the fraction of the above which are willing and able to communicate
L is the expected lifetime of such an intelligent website.

Yes, some may argue that looking for coherent thought on a weblog is misguided, but I believe it’s our best shot.

Prove me wrong.

No doubt some boffins will now take this flash of brilliance, and give us a script to help us figure it out in real time. However, let me give you my best guess:

6 million new websites each year
X .5 (% with weblogs)
X .5 (% capable of supporting coherent thought)
X .001 (% demonstrating coherent thought)
X .001 (% showing a sense of humor)
X .6 (willing and able to communicate)
X 3 (lifetime of website, in months)
= 2.7

Hmm. Well, if I assume The Skwib is one of the 2.7, then who are the other 1.7? My guess is that they’ll be found on humor-blogs.com or perhaps alltop. Hey, you can’t argue with this, this is science!

Obligatory link to Wikipedia article on the Drake Equation, if you’d like to know what those things really stand for. Thanks to Garette for the toothy alien.

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Human societies existed long before the written word, but luckily for us, not before PowerPoint technology. This makes it much easier for anthropologists, historians and people who enjoy humor to understand how humans developed as a species — from a sort of limited ape with no concept of how to style facial hair or take to the high seas and become a pirate, to the fully bearded, eye-patch wearing civilization we are all familiar with today.

Continued from Prehistory 1.1…

But being eaten was not the only worry. It was the major worry (apart from starving to
death), but eventually the weather started to get a bit cooler, and early humans started to think about
other things …

At this point, Homo erectus had finally achieved their goal of a much less amusing species name, and they became two different species, Homo neanderthalensis (or Neanderthals) and Homo sapiens.

The Neanderthals immediately started to improve on Ahk-ahk’s early “thing” technology, coming up with all kinds of intriguing designs, including a tool that “slices, dices and makes julienne mammoth!” Though the Neanderthals have been characterized as squat, hairy and unsophisticated, they greatly improved tool technology with what paleontologists now call the Mousterian Tradition. How such squat and hairy humans came up with the unsophisticated idea of using mice in the
creation of stone tools, we may never know; those paleontologists are a secretive group.

The Neanderthals were out-competed by Homo sapiens, and though their final fate remains a mystery, it appears as though they disappeared about 30,000-25,000 years ago. It has been suggested that Neanderthals did breed with Homo sapiens, the proof of which is the existence of otherwise modern humans with uni-brows.

While the unfortunate and soon-to-be extinct Neanderthals were happy with their mousedriven stone technology, modern humans continued to tinker with things, coming up with greater and more creative inventions. They made fine blades, harpoons, fish hooks, needles, and even created oil lamps. Paleontologists believe modern humans were forced to improve their technology because of the increasingly severe Ice Age. This is only partially true. Certainly, it was getting much colder, but much of the technological innovation was driven by a lack of beard-grooming implements.

Humans also started to create art at this time:

This flourishing of culture had unfortunate consequences too, leading the new species to experiment with drugs, find religion and start objectifying women, sometimes all in one go:

Next: The New Rock Age: Your Era at Work!

Also posted at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

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Human societies existed long before the written word, but luckily for us, not before PowerPoint technology. This makes it much easier for anthropologists, historians and people who enjoy humor to understand how humans developed as a species — from a sort of limited ape with no concept of how to style facial hair or take to the high seas and become a pirate, to the fully bearded, eye-patch wearing civilization we are all familiar with today.

Roughly speaking, human prehistory is divided into three ages: The Stone Age, The Bronze Age, and The Iron Age (although amongst golfers this is known as The Difficult Short Game Age).

1. The Stone Age — Thag Do Invention!

The Paleolithic

In a similar fashion, The Stone Age is usually subdivided into three eras — the Paleolithic, the Esoteric and the Neolithic. Some paleontologists call the Esoteric the Mesolithic, or Middle Stone Age; like all middle children it is usually overlooked, but it was nevertheless the period after the Paleolithic and before the Neolithic.

The Paleolithic Age, or literally Old Age of the Stone, is the period we usually now associate with Disco, but actually predates the Seventies by up to a million years. (Though hairy chests were fashionable in both eras.)

In the Paleolithic, early humans were hominids we now call Homo erectus, and had few tools (apart from PowerPoint). In addition to inventing tools, these primitive ancestors worked hard to evolve into the species we are today, not only because their lives were unpleasant, dangerous, and filled with nasty smells, but also because they couldn’t stand it when other animals made fun of their name.

The first major achievement of Homo erectus (stop that) was stone tools. At first, the tools they used were really no more than rocks they found lying around the mosh pit (few paleontologists are willing to admit that Homo erectus were committed slam dancers), but soon they discovered that rock could be shaped.

Homo erectus continued in this upright fashion for some time, slowly improving their “whacking” technique until they could fashion all kinds of tools — stone axes, knives and eventually arrow points. They became proficient hunters, but even with sharp “things” they found eating raw meat a major challenge to their erectness. (It’s tough to stand up straight when you’re experiencing abdominal cramping.)

Luckily, the precocious great-great-great-great-great-great-(imagine 22850 more “greats” in this phrase) grandson of Ahk-ahk, Unk-ook, made a major discovery:

Yes, being eaten by lions and other predators was a constant problem in early human society, and
so, a method for dealing with the challenge was implemented, and it had some side benefits:

Next: Clothes, Art & The Advent of the Uni-Brow

Also appearing at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

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