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Forty-seven signs of the apocalypse (#38)

By on July 13, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Libations

Bacon-flavoured vodka -- a chocolate bakon martini!Lo! The time shall come and the people shall not concern themselves with the Law. And in this dark time, the people shall crave the flesh of the pig, and many will not care that it is Forbidden.

Verily, many shall be law abiding, but still ingest the unclean creature in a form most alluring. And this Savory Succubus shall take hold of the people, and there will be frying, and the power of the sky will be applied to these strips of meat, and the people will rejoice in the salty evil.

And they shall be called the Days of Bacon.

The Rashers of Lucifer will garnish all kinds of wholesome foods, and make them unclean with their cholesterol and deliciousness.

Hark! The people shall revel in their porcine pleasures, and they shall not be sated by the strips themselves, and they shall Cry for More Bacon. And they shall crave bacon with all. And the Anti-Christ will grin, and say unto the people, “I shall give you bacon in your hooch.”

And there shall be great rejoicing as the people debase themselves with Chocolate Bacon Martinis, and Bacon Rosemary Martinis, and something called an Irish Boar. And they shall wail with pleasure, especially when they taste the Bacon Bloody Mary, as the next seal is broken and the sky turns all stripy and sizzly, and let’s face it, mouth-watering.

The awesome web-based proof. The always-debauched Alltop is waiting for veal-flavoured gin. Originally published August 19, 2009.

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Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#39)

By on July 12, 2010 in Forty-seven signs, Parody & Satire

From the Book of Libations

Virgin salivaAnd in this time, there shall be a service created by the forces of darkness and it shall be unearthly and virtual, and the Unbelievers will call it Ebay. And unto the Heathen in the Land of Sinim, there shall be knock-off services, the shadow of a shadow.

Lo! The Sinim will be plagued with False Prophets, and the worst of these shall be Zhou. And he shall harvest the Saliva of the Virgins of Sinim. Abomination will be compounded by the Evils of Commerce. And Zhou will be forced to take the Spit of the Hotties off the market.

And he shall then gather the drool of the Virgins as they sleep. And sell that.

And there will be wailing. The sound of retching. And a great confusion.

Alltop is hocker of the of the occasional human expectoration. Originally published June 2009.

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#40)

By on July 9, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Jerry

17 Noisy NunsAnd on this day, The Blessed Sisters of Righteousness will curse the local constabulary, and upon them they shall heap scorn. They shall beshrew them with language most colorful, saying they are “spawn of cross-eyed turd farmers” and “tedious conversationalists with halitosis and feet that smell of onion.” Truly, they shall cackle.

And their Most Reverent Mother shall expectorate. Ye, verily, She will Hock a Loogie of the Lord.

So it will be, and on this day, the constabulary shall issue a Written Warning, and they shall be Unrepentant and the Day of Judgment shall be soon after.

Alltop isalso Unrepentant. Thanks to Kevindooley for the Nuns. Originally published June, 2008.

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#41)

By on July 8, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

The iTaser -- music and non-lethal force at the same time!And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.

The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.

And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.

Alltop like’s Bagel’s idea. (see comments) Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor. Originally published January 2010.

Forty-seven signs of the Apocalypse (#42)

By on July 7, 2010 in Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Renovations:

Computer in a beaverAnd in End Times there shall be many False Prophets, and they shall be Legion, and they shall learn of a magical land called Internet.

One of these False Prophets will provide the people with Devices that allow them unfettered access to the land called Internet.

And others will not be pleased by the shape of these Doodads, and devise all methods of making them more Pleasing To The Eye. They shall put these Thingamabobs into the Skin of Animals.

They will dance and sing around the Blue Light of their Unholy Instruments, and regale each other with tales of Beaver they have Split and Stuffed with Parts of their Devices. And rodents will become unto them as chieftains, and there will be great confusion.

Alltop loves a little split beaver. Originally published May 2007.

Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#43)

By on July 6, 2010 in Forty-seven signs, Parody & Satire

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

Pink pistolAnd lo, there will be a place in the world where the mothers and daughters of Men Wearing Orange shall be tempted by Weapons.

And a time will come that they shall no longer resist the Call of the Weapons, for they shall be Pink. And Adorable. And Too Cute To Be Believed.

And the daughters and mothers of the Men Wearing Orange shall purchase of the weapons and they shall Revel in the Bolt-Action Fury and they shall go unto the forest and hunt of the deer and the bear and the occasional Husband.

Alltop likes theirs rainbow-colored. Newsy Proof: Pretty powerful in pink. Originally published September 2007.