Archive | Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Mustelids

And before the World is scourged by the Mother of Harlots, there will be a time when a swampy town south of Babylon will be ravaged by giant, man-eating weasels.

These Honeyed Badgers of Great Size and Swiftness shall have the strength of the bear, the nose of a monkey and the cunning of a politician. They shall be fearless, and they shall be released upon the people of Swampy Town by invaders from a tiny island populated by savages with bad teeth.

And lo! Many of these savages will hail from upland regions of their foggy island — a place where they distill the Water of Life, and torture their enemies with bags of air and pipes, and wear skirts even though they be men — and it is these Mustelid Scotti that shall hide the Ginormous Badgers of Armageddon in their furry man-pouches and set them against the people of Swampy Town.

The Great Badgers will be fearless, and rend cow, and sheep, and they will gnaw on the leg bones of the people Swampy Town. Or bite their bums.

Newsy proof: Giant Badgers Terrorize Basra. Originally published July 2007.

From the Book of Libations

And so it will be that in the Land of Nippon, where everything is tiny and strange, a Generation of Great Wickedness will come of age. The malefic children will have purchasing power, tablets of credit and sheaves of gold that they wave in the air and so, control the actions of others through the Harlot Commerce.

Verily, these Foul Progeny of the People of Nippon will have Strange Ideas. They shall worship the False God Mayo Knais; raw fish will become unclean with the droppings of the False God’s Overflowing Jar of Evil. And it will be unnatural.

They will use the Condiment of Mayo Knaise with alcohol, and dance, naked except for Deliciously Evil mixture of egg and vinegar, which they have rubbed on themselves with great Wooden Spoons of Sin.

Newsy proof: Mayo margarita anyone? Originally published August 2007.