The Skwib » General Skwib

Derivative Python: Nudge, Nudge

Mark A. Rayner — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 11:00:12 +0000

Squire:
What do you mean by SLEPT?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay?. You know Squire. SLEPT.

Squire:
As in: had sexual intercourse?

(pause)

Man:
Uh, yes. I suppose that is the technical term for it.

Squire:
(pedantically)
And do you know, precisely, what that entails?

(pause)

Man:
I’m sorry?

Squire:
Have you any idea what actually happens?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
[makes rude gesture]

Squire:
(stiffly)
Yes, yes, I see what you’re doing there, but do you know what it means?

(pause)

Man:
Well, uh, no. Not actually. It’s quite embarrassing, really, a man of my age –

Squire:
Would you like me to show you?

Man:
What, with your wife?

Squire:
If you’re into that sort of thing. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a wife we could swap.

Man:
Uh…

Squire:
(mimicking)
You are interested in sport, no? You did indicate a certain … shall we say lascivious interest in sport?

(pause)

Man:
Look mate, I was just trying to see if you could –

Squire:
Tell you about sport–

Man:
With LADIES.

Squire:
Well, yes, with ladies. What did you think I meant?

(pause)

Man:
I dunno Squire. I got worried, you know. Your tone. It got a little menacing there for a moment. A bit Pinteresque, if you take my drift. And, I mean … bowler hat an all, I thought you might have gone to a public school –

Squire:
Everything I learned I learned on the playing fields at Eton!

Man:
Well, I think I’d best be pushin’ on…

Squire:
That’s the spirit! Shall I give the wife a ring. Tell her to uncork the scented olive oil?

[Man leaves hurriedly, knocking over table, spilling pints in process.]

Squire:
(looking wistful)
Someday, Georgie-boy. Someday.

And now for something completely better, the original:

Click here to view the embedded video.

There is nothing derivative about alltop. No, what’s the opposite of nothing? Yes, all. You can find a transcript of the original sketch here. Don’t forget to check the comments for a link to a lovely YouTube video of a similar ilk, but it stars Joseph Stalin! Originally published, June 2008. Mooooooh, ay!

Jolly Good Chappie

Mark A. Rayner — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:19:10 +0000

Upon reflection the Council agreed that the “Hug a Bobby” campaign had been ill-conceived and badly mismanaged.

In an age of suicide bombers and rampant oral sex, the very act of hugging strange Londoners involved a great deal of danger for the police constables, both moral and physical. The city’s population had not responded with much enthusiasm anyway.

Of course, it didn’t help that their promotional poster showed Constable Berty Righnworm, standing in a pool of his own urine.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection]

Alltop and humor-blogs.com think incontinence is not a laughing matter. Originally published March 2006.

Are you SAD?

Mark A. Rayner — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:30:20 +0000

A public service announcement from The Skwib

This time of year can be troubling for bloggers; the days get shorter, the holiday season has its own particular stresses, and for those running weblogs, there are the dangers of SAD.

Statistical Affective Disorder (SAD) is caused by an abrupt and inexplicable drop in the visitor statistics to your blog. Early symptoms include:

sudden weeping
shout at the ceiling: “why, why, gods of blog … why?”
desperate attempts/plans/Fred Flintstone-like schemes to boost readership including:

massive increase in Tweets
hyper-active friending on Facebook
increased meme generation.

As the disorder progresses, you may find yourself:

bitter
angry
drunk.

And in the final stages, SAD can even lead to:

apathy
self-loathing
watching TV and reading books.

If you have any of these symptoms you may have SAD, and should seek qualified psychiatric help at the first opportunity. Alternatively, you could just turn off your damned computer.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both suffer from FUN (Frequent, Uncomfortable Noobishness). Originally published in December 2005.)

Norse Pastafarianism — an interview with its leader, Dr. Maximilian Tundra

Mark A. Rayner — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:41:54 +0000

The Skwib: Thank you Dr. Tundra for agreeing to chat with us about your controversial new sect of Pastafarianism. Could you explain to our readers, in case they don’t already know, what the differences between your group and other Pastafarians are?

Dr. Tundra: You’re welcome. Well, as you know, Pastafarianism is about worshiping the great Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), in all its noddly goodness. In most respects we follow the teachings of its Prophet, Bobby Henderson, but in one important aspect, we differ. We believe it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause the multitude of ills that affect us: global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters.

So, naturally, instead of wearing full pirate regalia, we like to trick ourselves out in Viking gear.

The Skwib: Yes, I was going to say that is a very impressive horned helmet you are wearing. My understanding is that it’s a myth that Vikings wore them, though

Dr. Tundra: It’s true — the historical Vikings rarely wore them, and we would never wear them if we were going into battle. But the FSM said we should make it easy to see we were the true religion.

The Skwib: Are there any other differences between you and the pirate-loving Pastafarians?

Dr. Tundra: Oh, we love pirates too, but they are not the cause of global warming. Much of our new creed is still being revealed to me by the Great Pasta. But we believe it is more than natural disasters that are caused by the lack of Vikings. The increased number of orphaned socks, for example.

Now, one of the first missions of the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen is to increase our numbers.

The Skwib: Really, the Noodly Norsemen?

Dr. Tundra: We’re still working on the name for our Church. What matters is that we follow the Prophet’s teachings.

The Skwib: So what drew you to Pastafarianism in the first place?

Dr. Tundra: Initially I was drawn to the flimsy moral standards, but I also like the Friday religious holiday.

The Skwib: So you got into it for crass personal reasons? We note that you have a rather suspect career. Is it true that you have lost your license to practice medicine?

Dr. Tundra: Ah, ah, I’m having a vision …

The Skwib: And is it also true that you have a, shall we say, somewhat avant garde approach to the use of pharmaceuticals?

Dr. Tundra: The Great Pasta is speaking to me … O’ ramen pasta yum! O’ ramen pasta yum!

Alltop and humor-blogs.com believe global warming is caused by a lack of laughter. Believe it or not, this post was originally published in August, 2005!

Storyblogging Carnival C (the 100th, not the third)

Mark A. Rayner — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 12:02:55 +0000

You can now check out the 100th edition of the storyblogging carnival at Back of the Envelope. Or perhaps you’ll check it out later — I will.

Two days of pain later

Mark A. Rayner — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:10:00 +0000

Okay, we’re back. On a fresh install of WordPress and at a whole new host. And I’ve only aged 10 years.

A few kinks to work out, such as, “what the hell happened to all the links in the blogroll?” Totally gone.

So, if you were accustomed to seeing your blog over there to the right, I’ll be working towards getting it back as soon as I can. If you’d like to be added, or want to ensure to be returned, please leave a comment below.

Thanks for your patience, and now, back to our regularly scheduled monkeys…

Microfiction: Jeremy the Clown

Mark A. Rayner — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:31:34 +0000

Jeremy the Clown had saved the AI revolution from its own destructive impulses, but everyone felt funny about it.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both suffer from coulrophobia. Thanks to Blue Beany for the clown.

Satire Alert: Havidol

Mark A. Rayner — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:55:58 +0000

The latest pharmaceutical to fix your psychic woes: Havidol. Alltop and humor-blogs.com may want to check with their doctors to see if this drug is right for them.

Ask General Kang: Do Intergalactic Warlords Have Hobbies?

Mark A. Rayner — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:43:16 +0000

Sure, we’re just like regular folk, except we have the resources of an entire galaxy or two at our command, so they tend to be a little more outré.

Its Intergalactic Royal Thing, Bill McReady, is the overlord of the Delle Caustiche and SagDEG galaxies (actually the latter is more of a dwarf elliptical galaxy than a real galaxy like mine — uh, I mean ours). He is a train enthusiast, but instead of using toy trains, he simply snatches actual locomotives from a variety of planets that use the same gauge track. (It’s surprising how many civilizations have opted for your standard gauge.) Unfortunately for said civilizations, and the unlucky passengers of these snatched trains, it took Its Intergalactic Royal Thing, Bill McReady, about 60 years to realize that he needed to add some kind of dining service on his hobby train network, or the passengers tended to resort to Donner Party-like behaviors.

Don’t worry, at the last Intergalactic Overlord Conference, I didn’t mention Earth.

Lady Shiva Deathbunny, the overlord of the Calabash and Rotten Egg Nebulas is an aficionado of butterflies, and has an extensive collection. I believe she likes them best deep-fried.

Personally, I collect buttons.

Next time: There’s a woman at work that I really like, but I think she might be put off by the alien proboscis growing out of my neck. How do I get her to go out with me?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com need to get a hobby.

Happy New Year

Mark A. Rayner — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 13:51:54 +0000

Let’s hope this one is better!