Archive | Monkeys!

Ask General Kang: If a blogger blogs in the forest, and nobody is around to read it, does it exist?

Ask General KangI think what you’re really asking is can something exist without being perceived. Of course, in this instance, you’re forgetting that the person writing the blog — the blogger — will perceive the blog, so of course it exists.

This raises another question, though. If this fictional blogger — let’s call him Mankor the Metaphysical — is in a forest that is outside of a net connection, so Mankor has no way of publishing the blog entries to the Internet, does it exist?

I suppose if Mankor just blogs for himself, then perhaps we can answer yes to this question, because for our sad hypothetical Mankor, the act of blogging is not so much about having an audience read it, as it is of actually writing something.

On the other hand, some may argue that blogging is in essence a kind of performance — more than any kind of writing is, really — in which case, we’d have to say “no” the blog does not exist in the wilderness. It requires an audience.

On another prehensile appendage (remember, I’m an uber-chimp, so feet count) Mankor the Metaphysical may be barking mad, and believe that he has an audience, even if he doesn’t, in which case, he could well be performing his little heart out for his imaginary viewers.

On a final foot, let’s say that I have dispatched a troop of Gorilloids (armed with broadswords and wearing Fezzes) to dispatch this pesky Mankor, so he won’t be doing anything. Let alone blogging. And yes, if a blogger is hacked to pieces in a forest by a cadre of blade-wielding super-apes, there will be a sound.

It will be screaming. (And a fair amount of oo-ooo-ing from the Gorilloids.)

Next time: Did you have Theatre of Cruelty on your home world? Was it the good kind, or was it the boring French kind?

The worst toilet in Switzerland

The worst toilet in Switzerland

Having recently watched Trainspotting, I was struck by how funny (and then disgusting) the “worst toilet in Scotland” scene was. So, that toilet wins for nasty. I think we have to give the prize for frightening to this toilet hanging over a precipice in the Swiss Alps.

Imagine having to sit in this port-loo during the middle of a wind storm. (And not just the terrifying buffets on the structure itself — there is a serious hygienic risk from untoward gusts blowing from below, if you get my drift.)

Now, what the photo doesn’t show very well is the dangers of approaching the summit from this face of the mountain. In addition to bad weather, avalanches and deranged goats, this approach has the added danger of being sluiced on by exhausted climbers who’ve made it to the bivvy above.

Alltop loves to go a-wandering along the mountain trail. This photo is by extra-minty. Originally published November, 2009.

Ask General Kang: How much time should I be spending on Social Media every day?

Ask General KangNone.

Next question.

No, seriously, what is the right amount?

It depends. Do you have other things to do? Like, I don’t know, a job? Let’s assume yes, and let’s assume it’s about eight hours a day. Okay, so that leaves you 17.


Sorry, I keep forgetting your stupid Earth day only has 24 hours. So, yes, 16 hours. Let’s book eight for sleep, which is average, so we’re down to eight. I’m going to assume you have an hour of commuting to get to work, because that’s the average here in Canada too.

Really, you’re living in Canada?

Crap. I really shouldn’t have said that, though I’m sure the RCMP are already tracking my activities. I have noticed an inordinate number of cube vans circling the block of late … anyway, let’s give you four hours for eating, drinking, personal care and household activities such as cooking and cleaning.

That should leave you with four hours.

So I can spend four hours doing social media?

Only if you’re a total knob. And don’t have children, pets, or anything else to care for. Also, you may want to leave yourself some time to exercise you gelatinous bastard. And what about a little community service? How about that?

Yes, I’ve got kids. And a cat. What if I’m writing a novel too?

Then you’re fucked.

But don’t worry, as soon as I take over the Earth none of these decisions will be of any concern. I’ll put you down for something in the uranium mines — the exercise will do you good, and you’ve probably built up a healthy resistance to radiation from all those years in front of a CRT.

Next time: If you are the last member of an elite and esoteric order of zen-like control freaks with mental powers, how would you go about recruiting new members? Would Twitter be a good idea?

Alltop is an elite and esoteric aggregator of humor. Originally published October, 2009.

Blogger dies of exposure

skeleton at deskLONDON, ON (The Skwib) — Yesterday the writer of the popular blog, Prawned! was found draped across his keyboard, unconscious.

Patrick Jones, aka Dedred S., was pronounced dead at the scene by the medical examiner.

Jones was known as an insightful and amusing commentator on the gaming and shrimping industries, and appeared as a regular commentator on many television and radio programs. He was also quoted extensively in Shrimper’s Times, the magazine of the shrimping industry.

Sorrowful family and friends are still trying to understand what happened to Jones. The blogger quit his full-time job as a successful lawyer to follow his blogging passion less than a year ago and everyone said he seemed “incredibly happy.”

“His blog was doing so well,” his sister Bethany Jones told The Skwib. “It was getting tons of hits.”

More than hits. According to the web experts, Prawned! was in the top 100,000 sites on Alexa (a website that tracks traffic on the web.) It received hundreds of comments on a regular basis, and had an inbound link score of more than 1,000.

“How could he die? I mean, he appeared on CNN!” his baffled sister asked.

“I was worried about him,” Felicia Jones, his mother said. “He seemed to be getting thinner and thinner, and his color looked terrible. ”

In his report, the medical examiner cited the cause of death as “blogging exposure”, though he noted that the physical cause of death was starvation.

Note: this post was originally published in June, 2009 BEFORE I saw District 9. Alltop has been cleared of any wrong-doing in the death. Photo by Adi Setiawan.

How to open a door (and be awesome)

This is a Finnish instructional video from 1979. Click on the red CC if you want the subtitles.

Oh my god, don’t leaving me hanging like that rocking 70s mustache man! How the hell do I look awesome if the door opens towards me?

Now, is it me, or is the rocking 70s mustache man just filled with rage? Did you notice how he made that fist after he’s told us not to be a bad door opener? You can see the creeping insanity in his eyes there. He’s ENRAGED by bad door openers. In fact, I heard he was ordered to do this instructional video by the Finnish courts for beating an old man senseless with his own cane after he was unable to slide effortlessly through the portal.

I would like to see a follow up series of videos explaining how to obsessively wash your hands after you touch a door handle or even worse, a knob. (Shudder.)

Alltop is enraged by sloppy window cracking.