The Future Is Frenzied

Chad gets ready to test the Frink Dojigger 12...Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.)

Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had constructed the first Pan-Dimensional TeleKinetic Operating System known to man.

It wasn’t perfect yet, by any means. The Moussorgsky rodent filaments only worked when fed a steady diet of Hermelin cheese and light Russian opera. And the Poutinium was playing hell with the customized Evacuation Module he’d purchased from Googlishus Industries.

And of course, he had no idea what the Frink Dojigger did yet, but he was pretty certain the twelfth model the wouldn’t de-molecularize its operator.

Pretty sure. He still thought it prudent to get his latest grad student, Chad, to try it out first.

Alltop loves light Russian opera! From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Victoria Peckham. Originally published in November, 2007.

Squirrelly

I'm in UR garden, plotting UR demiseIt is the Season of the Doom. The days darken. Temperatures drop. And the Black Rodents of London are out for blood. Or nuts, at the very least.

I remember reading once that the term “squirrelly” was coined during the pioneer days, and it was used to describe homesteaders who had been forced to live on a diet of squirrel. I believe the explanation was that squirrel meat is almost all protein so the complete lack of fat caused the rodent-munching pioneers’ brains to misfire, causing them to say things like: “rasfram, gfrrnarlgm chagnm, ghum!” as though everyone could understand it. Though it may just have been the taste of tree rat drove them mad.

Another explanation would be to watch their behaviour during the month of November, right before the snow flies. Not that they aren’t devilishly clever too: man’s greatest enemy. [clip here if the embeddy thing doesn't work]

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Alltop is also all protein. Thanks to No-Frills Marilyn for the LOLSQUIRREL. Originally published November, 2008.

And how would you like your Marcel Duchamp prepared sir?

Marcel Duchamp -- beaker meatSomeday, thanks to science and human perversity, we will be able to eat people without suffering the pangs of guilt that we have contributed to someone’s murder. Sure, we’ll have all the frisson of the ultimate taboo to spice up our night out, but we will be able to do so without fear of prosecution, opprobrium, or recurring nightmares.

This is just one of the many things we have to look forward to with the invention of in-vitro meat. You know, beaker bacon, Frankenburger, tank steak, cloned cutlets — whatever fun name you can come up with to describe meat that has been artificially grown as opposed to that taken from a living animal.

Sure, most of the in-vitro meat will be in standard form — cow, pig, lamb, etc. — but there will definitely be a niche market out there for restaurants who want to serve something a little different. If you take away the moral component, why not try eating endangered species? Hell, what about human?

I imagine there will be restaurants that specialize in celebrities — some will offer up their DNA so they can be served (I imagine anyone on a reality-type TV show would encourage the additional “exposure”), while some will jealously protect their DNA, so that they cannot be served as dinner. (I’m looking at you Royal Family.) Some eateries will cater to the literary crowd, Atwood Kebab anyone? Some will look for even more exotic sources, such as the Ancient Pharaoh Café.

Incidentally, anyone looking for a new area of law practice may want to consider this grey legal area — is one’s genetic makeup something that can be protected? I dunno, but I’d be willing to be there’s money in the litigation.

But it’s not just about creating new dining experiences, and opportunities for lawyers to make money. There are positive aspects too. I recommend you check out this H+ article about the eight ways in-vitro meat will change our lives.

And by the way, Duchamp is best served in a banana flambé, with nuts.

By all means, recommend your favourite celebrity meal, and its mode of preparation in the comments!

All alltop and humor-blogs.com ever ate was one foot! That doesn’t make them a cannibal does it? Originally published November, 2009.