Archive | Odd Science

The loneliness of the long distance rabbit

sad rabbit with combat boots sitting in front of a store by IntangibleArts
wabbit weldschmerz, a photo by IntangibleArts on Flickr.

The stats were daunting.

The average breeding season for rabbits is 9 months (10 in Newfoundland). Gestation time is 30 days. Each litter produces somewhere between 4 to 12 kits (baby rabbits). It takes 4 to 5 weeks to wean those bad boys (and girls), and then the mothers are ready to mate again. In six months the does (female rabbits) born in the first round of mating (which sadly only takes 30 seconds), will be ready to mate themselves. Each mating season, a doe could produce up to 800 children. [wiki]

All of whom would someday be going to college.

Alltop can mate in 30 seconds too, but only if it can keep the combat boots on.

Dog Threat Level Meter

Dog vocalizations interpreted.

Condition Tail Wag

cute puppy
Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of this puppy — it might mean trouble. I’ll growl at it just to let it know that I’m watching.

Condition Woof

Holy crap! A husky! My arch-nemesis, and about as close to a wolf as a dog gets. If it comes closer, I’m really going to bark like I mean it!

Code Burglar

Someone’s at the door, and I will now proceed to bark with enough intensity to convince the pants-wetting UPS guy that I WILL tear his throat out.

Sky Monsters!

sky monster, aka, hot air balloon
Jesus wept, it’s a frickin’ sky monster. It’s huge, it’s round, and it reeks of the stench of hell. (And the sound…) I’ll bark at it like I can kill it, but I’m pretty sure it could take me. I’ll try not to let my uncertainty creep into my enraged and terrified vocalizations. Was that a yip? Yes, sorry. Sometimes my fear of these things get in the way of me doing my job!

The Night of Evil (Again)

It seems like at least twice a year Satan lights up the sky with his evil. I will yelp a bit to let you know we should get inside, but there’s not much I can do against the powers of darkness.

Thundering Whimpers!

Even my canine super-bark is powerless, when the Gods themselves are trying to kill us all. Perhaps shaking and whimpering will help appease them.

Alltop is terrified by Alpo. Lightning by Damon Taylor. Balloon by Ecatoncheires. Fireworks by Amani Hassan. Doorbell Darwin Bell. Husky by Paul Moody. Puppy by VickyTH.

Gather round the radium fire

This is an illustration of what the future might have looked like, circa 1910:

Gather round the radium fire

The artist has depicted a genteel scene: Claude and Sophie LaFlippé have invited a few friends over to enjoy their brand new radium fire. (It was to be all the rage in the year 2000, according to the deranged artist, Antoine Villemard, who was best known for his pictures of animals playing lawn darts.)

“I say, Claude, this radium fire of yours is absolutely fabulous. There’s no smell of burning coal and it lights up the entire room,” says the unctuous Paul Rampez.

“Yes, it’s ever so modern,” added his wife, the helpful Zoolee.

“You know, we just had it installed. Say, you don’t suppose they’re planning to modernize our clothes, do you, because that would be boring,” suggested Claude.

“Oh, no, it would be dreadful!” Emile Dingus said as he entered the room. “We’ve had the same mode now for 90 years, and I don’t think I could stand to change. I’m filled with ennui at the thought of fashion returning.”

Zoolee and Sophie rolled their eyes. “Actually, Monsieur Dingus, I am getting rather tired of my corset,” Sophie said.

“Yes, something a little more modern would be nice. Like this radium fire — something that required less work.”

Everyone but Emile Dingus nodded at this sentiment.

“I say, Claude?”

“Yes, Emile?”

“Is your face melting?”

Alltop is meltingly funny. Link via Paleo-Future. Originally published September, 2006.

Hamster Naming Guide, 2008 Protocols

HamsterNamingGuide2009 by lunchbreath

I don’t have 2009 or 2010 protocols available to share, but for those of you naming hamsters in 2011:

  • Obvious: Hammy
  • Portly: Kirstie
  • Good: Buddha (also could be used for Portly, if male)
  • Evil: Gehenna
  • Skinny: Imogen
  • Cryptic: Thangador

I would love to know some of the other guides, but alas, I am too lazy to google. Feel free to inform me in the comments.

Alltop needs Honey Badger naming guidelines. Thanks to lunchbreath, on Flickr, for his awesome: HamsterNamingGuide2009. Confusing!

Waiting for the razor-blade singularity

9 bladed razorsWe may need to check with Ray Kurzweil on this one, but it looks as though we might expect the technological singularity sooner than anyone expects, based on your razor.

The Economist did an evaluation of the number of blades on razors, and discovered (with five data points) that there is a Moore’s Law for razor blades. (This is the idea that computer chips double in power every 18 months or so.) It took seventy years to add the second blade, twenty or so to get to three blades, a few years to go from three to four, and the Fusion came out in 2006. So, is this just marketing, or another indicator of the technological singularity?

razor blade singularityI suspect the latter. Each new blade requires, like the the doubling of computer chip power, new technology and innovation. (Much to the chagrin of razor-blade marketers everywhere.)

The Economist predicts a 14-bladed razor by the year 2100, unless the growth rate is a hyperbola, in which case, expect the the singularity by 2015.

Unfortunately, we’ve been stalled at 5 blades for nearly 5 years now, so I suspect it is going to take longer to get that 14-bladed beard-destroying monster. My razor has five blades, and I find it takes too long to shave, though the results are acceptable. That said, I should also note that I have a goatee, so I’m only shaving 60% of my face. If I had to shave my entire face, I don’t know if I could take the crushing ennui.

Of course, by the time the singularity arrives, we’ll have an app for ennui.

Alltop uses the same bronze razor that Archimedes shaved with. Razor photo by Dr. Friendly.