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Rejected names for the London Rippers

By on November 17, 2011 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

the London Rippers - logoSometimes it’s a bit embarrassing, living here in London, Ontario.

In the last week, we’ve got the dubious honor of being the first city to forcibly remove the tents of the Occupy protests here in town. (There’s been relatively little outcry.) And now, we’ve got a new baseball team causing problems.

Yay, right? Well, it turns out they’ve decided to call themselves the London Rippers. The president of the club has made the weak excuse that it’s about “ripping” a ball’s cover off, because they hit so hard, but all you have to do is look at their logo, and it’s pretty clear the name is a reference to Jack the Ripper. Everyone’s upset about it, and the mayor has even asked the owner to change the name. (This is the same genius that had the peaceful Occupy protesters removed from Victoria Park in a late-night raid.)

The thing is, the Rippers is not even the worst name the new baseball team came up with. Here’s a short list of the names they rejected:

  • The London Bridges
  • The London Hoodlums
  • The London Fog
  • The London Droogs
  • The London (The Other One) Westminster Abbeys
  • The London Intestinal Blockages
  • The London Big Bens
  • The London Aggressive Cancers
  • The London Buzz-Bombs
  • The London Hackneys
  • The London Arterial Spurts
  • The London Bat Buffers
  • The London Ball Bobbies
  • The London Hitlers

I’m sure our research-monkeys have missed a few, so feel free to add others in the comments.

Alltop used to play for the Lincoln Unabombers.

Survivor Jerusalem: Crucifixion Island

By on November 15, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Crucifixion IslandThere are only nine challengers left.

Jeff Probst introduces the day’s challenge: “For today’s reward challenge, I’m going to tell you what you’re competing for first. We’ve divided you into three teams. The winning team will get a sit-down meal at Shecky Joe’s Rib Emporium — ”

[groan from two thirds of the contestants]

“And knowing that might not be enough inducement for tough competition, we’ve decided that the winning team gets to send one member of the losing team to Crucifixion Island.”

[utter silence from the contestants]

“Worth playing for?” he asks with a smirk.

[Judas whispers something to his team-mates for the challenge, Pontius and Barabas. They all cast meaningful looks towards Jesus. Jesus looks at his team-mates for the challenge, his mom and Mary, and a bead of sweat appears on his forehead, refracting the sunlight beating down on them.]

Alltop loves ribs! Volunteer for Xion Island here.

The six essentials every writer must have

By on November 2, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

Karl-Heinz HilleAccording to the semi-famous writer, fake expert and shiller of Mac products, John Hodgman — not to be confused with John Hodgeman, inventor of alligator pants — there are six essentials that “every writer must have at his command.”

  1. empathy
  2. the willingness to endure solitude
  3. the belief the world cares about what you have to say
  4. the ability to describe facial hair accurately
  5. a large desk in a quiet room in which to chase your demons (preferably a circular room, so that the demons have no place to hide)
  6. special stationery with pictures of typewriters and/or quills on top
  7. and if you have purchased the audiobook version of his complete world knowledge, then you will know writers also require their own theme song.

Far be it for me to quibble with a writer of his vaunted semi-fame and success. (I hear he has his own high-speed zeppelin, and everything.)

As I have neither a zeppelin, nor a theme song, you may feel it presumptuous on my part to try and correct him in any way, but I feel he is wrong on two counts. In most respects, this is an excellent list, and though I desire a theme song, the lack of one has yet to prevent me from writing. When I have reached his level of success, I assume that a theme song will happen to me, as a matter of course.

On the subject of hackneyed stationary, complete with an image of a quill, typewriter, or any other kind of writing device (I hear J. D. Salinger had a chisel and mallet on his letterhead), this is completely absurd. We’re living in a digital age. Nowadays, writers should have a website with an image of a quill, or typewriter. (Monkeys will do, but only if a significant portion of your writing is humorous in intent, if not actual fact.)

Hodgman’s list is woefully inaccurate regarding the important subject of silly hats. This is de rigueur for every writer who has any aspiration of ever being successful. I suspect he left it off his list because of his extraordinarily large cranial circumference, which makes it difficult to fit a silly hat of any kind.

Though if he is still looking for one, I believe he would do well with a fez, or perhaps a bellhop hat. (Both can be perched easily on the swollen melon of a giant-headed writer.)

I would also add that the ability to count is irrelevant.

And yes, the gent pictured above is sporting a spectacular Partial Napoleon III Imperial, with Faux Friendly Chops (using the Dreickland swoop, of course). I knew you’d get it.

Alltop is still working on stubble. John Hodgman’s site is here, and you will note: no images of typewriters. You can find a helpful Beard Type Chart here, and historical background on beards at the ubiquitous wiki link. And my apologies to all pogonophobiacs for this beard-filled post. Originally published October, 2010.