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Ask General Kang: What do you do when you wake up the next morning, and regret something you may have done the night before?

By on January 24, 2006 in Ask General Kang, Parody & Satire

ask general kangNo regrets man, that’s for the weak.

Yeah, but what if you made a really important decision, a decision that could really affect your life — I don’t know, say you elected a right-wing government when you don’t really believe anything they stand for, just because you wanted to punish the previous government.

Like I said, you punk, no regrets! But if you’re worried about what you’re new government is going to do, just remember that it’s only for a few precious years of your life.

Besides, eventually party discipline will break down and the religious nutters will start saying things like, “hey, let’s have a free vote on abortion!” and, “it would be cool if everyone in Canada accepted Jesus as their personal saviour.”

But THEN who will you vote for?

See, your life really would be so much easier if you didn’t have to think about these things, and let an experienced intergalactic overlord take care of you. I happen to know one who’s currently between galactic empires.

Next time: What sort of career opportunities are there in the intergalactic warlord sector?

Dr. Tundra Casts His Ballot

By on January 23, 2006 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

peyote and mescaline milkshakesIt had been quite a ride. Eight weeks of peyote. A binge that would have put Carlos Castenda to shame, but it had been worth it.

He’d taken the psychedelic road trip while following the election campaign — it had seemed like the only way to make an sense of it, really. But now, it was time to actually decide which of the parties was going to get his vote this time around.

He certainly couldn’t vote for the Liberals again. He was a peyote-addicted, unlicensed physician with somewhat suspect personal hygiene and a penchant for fried bologna. He wasn’t deranged. Nor an amnesiac.

If he gave the Liberals another shot at it, they would continue to take him for granted. In fact, Dr. Tundra suspected that Canada would never have an honest government again.

Not that he gave them serious consideration, but the surge in the polls made him at least take a look at the Conservatives. (He’d done this between bouts of vomiting, after a particularly toxic batch of peyote-laced oatmeal.) While they seemed less extreme than before, Dr. Tundra suspected a hidden agenda. And that Harper. Well, just one look in those cold dead eyes was enough to cause hims such anxiety and revulsion that he hid under his bed for two days.

Jack Layton and the NDP, on the other hand, repulsed him for different reasons. “Give us your vote. Help us be a strong opposition.” Tundra wanted to vote for a winner.

The only other viable option was the Green Party, which was still seen as a fringe group — they definitely couldn’t win, but perhaps if they got a couple of seats, their voice might infuse some new ideas in the House.

Of course, that was probably the papaya mescaline milkshakes talking.

Dr. Tundra wisely didn’t say anything back to them. He knew better than to talk politics with dairy products.

Photo by roboppy.

Alternate History Fridays: Dr. Tundra Forsakes the Flying Spaghetti Monster

By on January 20, 2006 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the SunHis year at the Holy Writ Reeducation Retreat was up, and later that day, Dr. Maximilian Tundra would be asked to renounce the Flying Spaghetti Monster and evolution.

Kissing off the FSM would be easy — he’d only been preaching his brand of Norse Pastafarianism to make fun of creationism — but evolution?

How did one renounce science? On the other hand, he felt like he would do whatever it took to get out of there, because he couldn’t imagine living through another day of what was, ironically, hell.

When he’d received his punishment for teaching evolution, the Judge had made the Reeducation Retreat sound like a combination of Dachau and the Inquisition, when in fact, it was more like summer camp, with lots of Bibles. And sleep deprivation.

Then there were Writ counselors, hypodermics and pharmaceuticals at the ready. That’s when they weren’t hugging you and asking if you’d accepted Jesus as your personal savior yet or asking you to sing spirituals along with them. A lot of these counselors were virginal young women; unfortunately these nubile believers also toted genital clamps for the wayward souls who showed any interest whatsoever in their chaste bodies. (Dr. Tundra had experienced this first hand, so to speak, after an inadvertent glance at Sister Brittany’s not-to-be-ogled ta-tas. It had taken a month for his tackle to work properly again.)

Yep, Jesus was going to be his savior. Continue Reading →

Keep the ‘naughty’ in naughty bits!

By on January 18, 2006 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

flowerOr, why The Skwib does not support the Sex Party of Canada

It’s not just because they don’t have any candidates in this federal election, no it’s much more elemental than that.

Here at The Skwib, our editorial board feels that sex is best left to one’s prurient imagination. Heaven forefend that “sexual gradualism” be taught in our schools, which in the Sex Party platform is described as:

… a school sexual education program that encourages sexual activity – but in a gradual and disciplined way.

Discipline is not everyone’s cup of tea.

And when it comes to public nudity, the sight of all the differently shaped and sized . . . bits . . . has been the source of not only annoyance, but also a deep and abiding sense of unease. We feel there is a very real danger that this kind of activity will create an atmosphere that promotes bare bodies. This could presage a dangerous societal shift; imagine the horrors of a populace that is actually comfortable with the naked human body!

We feel that nudity should be treated as it used to be: it should be dirty!

That said, we think the party should be allowed to mail its “tasteful literature” via Canada Post. We also think that the editorial board of The Skwib would be an excellent venue for the party to decide if their literature was tasteful or not.

Inspired by:

Sex party sues Canada Post over leaflets | Sex Party platform

Both arms?

By on January 10, 2006 in Parody & Satire

Bill Maher has a great joke about even the most gentle, nicest women wanting diamonds, even though they know they come at the cost of other people’s pain. [His joke, roughly, here]

You can refer such misguided souls to this list of ten reasons why you should never accept a diamond ring. (Unless it’s from Canada or if it’s a LifeGem.)

Australian Rules

By on January 7, 2006 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

This post is under the “But is it art?” category, because hey, there is an Australian mixed media artist out there — Di Peel– painting with her breasts. Don’t worry, it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

And the Globe reports this morning that much of the Conservatives’ success in the election campaign so far can be attributed the Aussie PM’s federal party director, Brian Loughnane, who has been advising Harper.

Hmm. I wonder if Ms. Peel has been invited to spice up the Liberal campaign yet? Not that I’d like to see Mr. Martin’s breast art, but that certainly would be a new direction.