Ottawa (The Skwib) — Canadian voters yearning for intelligent debates of serious issues are going to be sadly disappointed this election.
But Canadian television viewers are in for a treat, as the four major parties and five television networks have agreed to new formats for four televised debates.
The first debate will be modeled after the inexplicably popular reality TV show, Fear Factor, and will be moderated by the host of Fear Factor, Joe Rogan. The only major departure from that show is there will be no water-based stunts for the leaders to engage in.
When asked why, the producers of the first debate said, “Dude, nobody wants to see Paul Martin in a Speedo.” Instead of money, the winner of the first debate is allowed to keep one other leader out of the second debate.
That will be a real disadvantage for that leader, as the second and third debates will have the same format, and not getting a chance to learn the ropes in the second will doubtless hinder his performance in the third.
These debates will be more traditional in that the leaders will have to answer questions about their party platforms — the difference? The moderator and a select group of Canadian voters will get to pelt the contestants leaders with wet sponges, cream pies and in the third debate, live hamsters.
The fourth debate will be moderated by William Shatner, and is modeled after the episode of Star Trek (the original series) where Kirk and Spock were forced to fight four of the most evil humanoids of all time, with only the help of Surek and Abe Lincoln. The networks have not yet announced who will be playing Kirk, Spock, Surek and Lincoln.
The Green Party has already announced that they will NOT be filing a law suit on this one.
Inspired by:
Format changed for election debates
You don’t know what out of order is! I’d show you, but I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too freakin’ insane. If I were half the primate I was five years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to the place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to? I’ve been around, you know–
This is a team event that asks the question: how far can you fling a religious person? Though many of the “fling team” members will be from Falun Gong, don’t let the event fool you — the Chinese government will fling other religious people too, including Tibetan Buddhists, Muslim Uighurs, and underground Protestants and Catholics. According to the Beijing Olympic committee’s write-up, the Falun Gong seem to have the best aerodynamic properties. Still, they used Tibetan Buddhist Yingying in this illustration. (You will notice the trebuchet in the bottom right corner of the illustration — originally they tried to fling Falun Gong with massive cords of surgical tubing, but they could not get enough lift, and there was no splat factor, which is an important part of the scoring.)
Chief Massasoit presents items NOT supplied for the first Thanksgiving, circa 1621 (only slide)
Here’s another new demonstration sport that will be featured in the 2008 Olympics — the Organ Relay.