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Martina Fitzgerald is a frickin’ comedy genius

By on November 2, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

CBC RADIO FUN imageThe host of the CBC Radio show, Ontario Morning, was firing on all humor cylinders at 7:15 am.

She was doing a spot on mandatory sprinklers in all new Ontario homes, and after interviewing the MPP (Member of Provincial Parliament) who was sponsoring the new legislation, she chatted with a spokesperson from the Ontario homebuilders association, whom she introduced as Mr. Victor Fume.

(Apparently Mr. Jack Smoke-inhalation and Mr. Ted Inferno were unavailable to do the interview…)

Vic did a pretty good job with the interview. He answered all of Fitzgerald’s questions, got his point across, and never once mentioned that his name was actually Victor Hume.

Or maybe I just dreamed it all.

Europe fears a furry blitzkrieg

By on October 24, 2005 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire

Photo of raccoon wearing swastikaKASSEL, Germany (The Skwib) — Nazi raccoons have swept through the German woodlands like so many divisions of panzers, and now, they have started taking over the cities.

“Yes, they were introduced by Hermann Göring in the 30s, and have laid low until now,” Burkhard Kuester, Deputy Minister of Natural Resources and Tourism (MNRT) told The Skwib. “But they have started to take over our cities. Kassel is theirs, and Frankfurt will be next.”

Despite efforts to control the jackbooted pests, their numbers have grown, possibly because of support from many Germans.

“We think the raccoons are just great. I mean, they’re cute, and I like their moxy,” Heinrich Fuchs said, visiting Kassel for the first Raccoon Rally planned by the National Raccoon party. “I hope they do take over Frankfurt next. They have promised to sort out our problem with other pests, and I for one welcome it.”

Other residents of Frankfurt are not as sanguine about the possibility of swarms of swastika-bedecked Procyon lotor eating their garbage and ruling all of Europe.

“I remember the 30s,” pensioner Ingeborg Baader and longtime resident of Kassel said. “We missed our chance in Kassel, but the rest of the country should fight them while they can.”

It may already be too late. Hundreds of thousands of the bandit-faced carnivores have been spotted in Luxembourg, Belgium, France and the Czech Republic.

Inspired by:
Nazi Raccoons on the March in Europe

Alternate History Fridays: After Nelson

By on October 21, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Turner's painting of the Battle of TrafalgarCaptain Vernon Hawser studied his charts in the grand cabin of his ship, The Endurance, and wondered if he would ever have the chance to be a hero the way Lord Neslon had been.

After Vice-Admiral Calder’s disaster at Trafalgar (20 ships-of-the-line sunk or captured when he lost the weather gage to Villeneuve’s fleet) it had been up to his hero. Lord Nelson, his ship the HMS Victory, and a stripped down squadron of 11 other ships managed to prevent Napoleon’s invasion of England.

Nelson’s brilliance had saved England at the Battle of Portland, savaging Villeneuve’s fleet, and turning the invasion force back to the Continent. A great victory. And a close one too.

Hawser had a thought. What if Nelson’s ship hadn’t been damaged in the early hurricane in the Caribbean? What if he’d been in command at Trafalgar, with a much bigger fleet than at Portland. That would have been a rum thing!

His executive officer knocked and came in his cabin, “the Ambassador has arrived, Captain. Would you like to show him on board?” Continue Reading →

Who invited Jean Canada to the party?

By on October 19, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Lady Denmark Cordially Invites and cigarLady Denmark was thrilled to host the annual gathering of the world’s richest. She had been chosen to host for two reasons — her housekeeping staff, who kept the Denmark mansion impeccably clean, and because she was so trustworthy.

She wasn’t as honest as Jennifer Iceland, nor as honest as that leggy blonde bombshell, Lola Finland, but Lady Denmark was known to be almost as upright as Bob Zealand. (Bob was a bit of a slob, but otherwise an okay sort.)

The novel entertainment was put on by a group of children from some nation that she’d never heard of — probably poor as dirt — but they could dance really well. Then a string quartet on loan from that lovely Lord Sweden started playing. Drinks were served, and the glitterati enjoyed the evening; laughter and the buzz of cultured conversation filled the air.

Then Jean Canada arrived. You could tell because the stench of cigarette smoke preceded him. He gazed over the crowd with bloodshot eyes, and they settled on her.

“Oh dear,” she whispered to Jennifer, “He’s coming over here.” Lady Denmark and Jean had once been good friends, but he’d really let himself go in the last few years, and they’d been fighting about a footstool he’d once given her.

Jean Canada slumped his way over, ash dripping from his cigarette all over Lady Denmark’s once-immaculate carpet. He was a bit drunk, and weaved a between the revelers. Then Gunter Germany distracted him. Gunter was dressed in an impressive Italian suit, and groomed to perfection, but everybody knew you couldn’t trust him. He pulled Jean into a conversation, clearly conducting some kind of shady business deal.

Oh thank god, thought Lady Denmark. If Gunter kept him occupied, the evening wouldn’t be a total bust. At least Jacque Belgium had sent his regrets.

Then she heard the boom-box, smelled the hideously unrefined stench of cigar smoke, and she knew the party was ruined.

Uncle Sam had decided to come after all.

Inspired by:
Suzuki pollution rankings — Canada 28 of 30 | Transparency International corruption index — Canada slips to 14 of 17 | Cigar by darkripper Continue Reading →

The Skwib’s Top 10 Top … What-Ever … List (Edition #1)

By on October 18, 2005 in But is it art?, General Skwib, Parody & Satire

Top whatever listfor Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

Yay! Lists! We love lists! They make life so easy. So ordered. But wait, we can hear you saying, how do we know which lists we should read, and which lists we should ignore? What are the best lists of the day? Look no farther, for we have simplified your list lust.

Here they are, the top 10 lists of today:

10. Weblog Usability: Top Ten Design Mistakes. Yes, design advice from an expert who doesn’t understand the rule of thirds! (Look at his home page, and you’ll see what we mean.)

9. The Top 40 Magazine Covers of the Last 40 Years. Why 40 years? Cause 50 years seems kind of lame, and 100 years is too much work.

8. The Top 50 Sci-Fi Movies in the Science Fiction Film Canon. Hosted by Whatever. Seriously.

7. In this spot, we have a tie: the Top Ten Conservative Idiots, No. 218 and the Amazon.co.uk Hot 100 DIY & Tools, and only because the number one item is a chain saw. Two questions: Why would so many people want a chainsaw in Britain. It’s not like the island is still covered with forests. And, who the hell buys a chainsaw online?

6. 20 Best License-Free Official Fonts. Hmmm, this is actually kind of useful. We’re declaring this list a sarcasm-free zone.

5. Top 117 Cromulent Made-Up Words in the Simpsons. While not officially promulgated as a Top What-Ever List, this is nevertheless, heavily linked today and dare we say, unblowupable.

4. TNR Top 10 of 2005. How does one come up with a top ten list for a whole year in October? You have to be subversive and think for yourself. That said, there is some interesting stuff here.

3. Top 50 Most Unwired College Campuses. Wow, it sucks to be on this list. It’s the web equivalent of being on the Top 50 Guys Most Likely to End Up Living In His Parents’ Basement, or the Top 50 Dudes Who Will Remain Virgins Until They Pay for It lists.

2. Top 250 movies as voted by our users, from the Internet Movie Database, which is having its 15th year anniversary this week. Apparently, the formula they use for producing this list gives a true Bayesian estimate, which sounds very scientific, and somewhat naughty, and it is exactly how The Skwib produced this list.

1. The 100 Best English Language Novels from 1923 to the Present. Who thought such a list was even possible to compile? Hey, it’s easy if only two people have to agree.

Dutch ban crotchless panties

By on October 14, 2005 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

image of panties with forbidden circle on topAMSTERDAM (The Skwib) — The Netherlands is soon to be the first country in Europe to ban public wearing of crotchless panties.

“Here in Holland we are over-stimulated, and the time for looking at genitals nestled in cozy cotton and silk is over,” Dutch Sex Minister Anders VandenBoomboom told The Skwib yesterday.

“Leather and rubber too! All crotchless panties. And assless chaps!” he added, stepping behind a podium, nervously hiding something.

Critics of the government say the move is only an attempt to distract the media from a proposed ban on the burka, traditional clothing in some Islamic societies, which covers a woman’s face and body, leaving only a strip for the eyes.

“We are trying to ban the burka too,” VandenBoomboom said, “but it is more difficult because there are freedom of religion issues. The crotchless panty does not have the same protection. In a way, it is kind of the anti-burka.”

This ban makes for some strange bedfellows in the seething political scene of the Netherlands. Civil liberties groups, orthodox Muslims, and the Amsterdam Association of Slutty Entertainers have banded together to fight the ban, who held a news conference early this morning.

Their spokeswoman, the anonymous “Burka Harlot”, appeared wearing traditional Muslim headgear and nothing else EXCEPT a pair of crotchless panties.

The Skwib was unable to concentrate on what she said.

Inspired by:
Dutch unveil the toughest face in Europe with a ban on the burka