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The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Lord of the Flies Edition)

By on September 19, 2005 in Parody & Satire, The Lost PowerPoints

image of savage boy from Lord of the FliesMy Grade 11 Gym Teacher Explains the Book (Slide 2)

  • Those choir boys were surprisingly tough
  • Ralph was a disappointment
  • Piggy got what was coming to him
  • (He’d be target practice in “dodge” ball)
  • Too bad they were rescued. I’d have left them on the island a bit longer. Toughen em up.

Carl Rove Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory (Slide 4)

  • Ralph represent democrats
  • Piggy represents liberal media
  • Jack is me
  • Roger is Rummy
  • Simon is W.
  • Samneric are the pigs, er, voters.

George W. Presents the Lord of the Flies as Political Allegory (Only Slide)

  • Big lizard, right?
  • Ate the children. Heh, heh.

Inspired by:
William Golding’s Birthday (Sep. 19) | Allegory of LOTF

Avast Ye Bilge Rats!

By on September 18, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

arrrr - talk like a pirate (image of pirate)Don’t forget that tomorrow (Sep. 19) is International Talk Like a Pirate Day (TLAPD). Now, lest you become confused, this is about talking like the Hollywood interpretation of a pirate, not a modern-day pirate. So, you are entirely within your rights to says something like, “ahoy ye’ scurvy sea dog!” instead of hello, when you greet the postal worker tomorrow. (Warning: he may be confused.)

Modern day pirates, of course, have entirely different vocabulary. They say things like, “Hey Bill, how much financial leverage did we get from the arbitrage of that security yesterday?” and “Let’s increase the valuation by accessing asymmetric information.”

If you’d like to talk like a Hollywood pirate, you can check out the official website or if you want to talk like a real pirate, you may want to start with this JP Morgan Chase Glossary.

PQ candidates to leadership committee: booze not enough

By on September 17, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

photo of stiletto high heelsMONTREAL (The Skwib) — In a surprise move, the candidates for the leadership of the Parti Quebecois have rejected official party rules for the campaign, requiring them to be drunk.

“It is not enough that we are floor-lickingly drunk,” front runner André Boisclair said at a news conference yesterday.

“I have discussed it with the other candidates,” Boisclair said, “and we all agree that it would be best if we were required to take psycho reactive drugs as well. And even better if we could snort them off the tight abs of –”

“What he means to say,” Gilbert Paquette interrupted, “is that we think that the Parti would be best served if we were all as impaired as possible, short of actual brain death.”

“No,” Boisclair replied, “I did not mean that. I wanted to say that if, perhaps, I decided to snort something to further elevate our debate, I should be able to do it off the six-pack of Henri over there, just for instance.”

The other candidates were not available for comment at the time of publication, as most were under the sweet stilettos of PQ fundraiser, “Mistress” Sophia and her Legion of Pain.

PQ members will vote on the successor of current leader Bernard Landry in mid-November.

“Inspired” by:
PQ front-runner deflects questions about cocaine use | Boot pic by Lemooz

PQ decides on alcoholic campaign strategy

By on September 16, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

John A. MacDonald, pictured with scotch bottleMONTREAL (The Skwib) — Things just keep getting stranger in the leadership race for the Parti Quebecois. Party officials have announced that for the remainder of the contest, candidates must be floor-lickingly drunk.

“We are hoping to elevate the tone of the campaign with these new rules,” Jacques Purlain, who chairs the leadership committee, told The Skwib in a boozy telephone conversation late last night.

“So far, it has not been the most dignified affair, what with the Gilbert Paquette’s antics on Tuesday and Hugues Cormier’s faux pas.”

Paquette announced his candidacy in a press conference outside a Montreal courtroom, following his own appearance on a drunk-driving charge. Cormier withdrew from the race after it was discovered he had signed up his own psychiatric patients as party members in order to get 1,000 names on his candidacy papers.

When asked about the precise level of inebriation candidates must exhibit, Purlain said, “yes, floor-lickingly drunk. They have to be really wasted. It’s the only way to recover our dignity. I may deplore Paquette’s decision to (allegedly) drive while drunk, but I do agree with him that Quebec must have the powers of a more creative and fairer society. Alcohol is a great … great equalizer,” he hiccupped.

“Besides,” Purlain added, “think about John A. McDonald. He was a drunk, and he was a great nation-builder!”

Inspired by:
PQ Leadership Race All Over the Place

Yes Virginia, even fascistic oligarchs need to pee

By on September 15, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

Image of W writing note to Condi -- I need to peeYou may have noticed this photo circulating today. This may come as an incredible shock, but yes, even George (W.) Bush needs to pee.

And yes, he may even need to indicate, in a somewhat secretive way, to his Secretary of State, that he may have to absent himself from buggering the UN for a while, so that he can indulge this bodily function.

Is it funny? Only in the most obvious way.

It would be much funnier if the note said: “I think we may need to eliminate our foreign policy — and some urine.”

Epidemiologists Searching for Deadly “Noodle Vector”

By on September 7, 2005 in Odd Science, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Image of deadly noodle vectorPORTLAND (Oregon) & LONDON (Ontario) — A team of epidemiologists from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and crack bureaucrats from Health Canada have been sent to Oregon and a sleepy university town in Southwestern Ontario to find the source of a scourge sweeping through North America.

“We think that if we can locate the original infection and discover the source of the so-called Norse strain of it as well, we will be able to synthesize a vaccination to slow the spread of the disease,” Dr. Franklin Stein, who is in charge of the team, told The Skwib.

There have been outbreaks of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSMS), also known as Pastafarianism, throughout North America. The disease manifests itself at first by creating a craving for pasta in the tummy region; it then moves to the brain, where it lodges and produces belief systems that rely on a supernatural god-like creature called the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In the final stages of the disease, those afflicted dress up as pirates, and start raving incoherently, shouting, “avast me hearties!” and so on.

In the other type FSMS — which has emerged in Canada, the so-called “Norse” strain — victims clothe themselves as they imagine Vikings did, and are even less coherent. Usually, there is some eye-rolling and bloodthirsty screaming, which sounds a lot like: “arrrrgggh!”

“It is really a devastating disease,” Stein says. “We have to control its spread before it moves offshore and gets its noodly appendages in other populations that may have even less immunity to it.”

Stein would not specify what regions those may be.

When asked if the CDC routinely tries to quash emerging religions, Stein refused comment. The team later issued a statement, saying that FSMS was in no way a religion, and was a disease.

“How do we know it’s a disease? Because we’re scientists. That’s how.”

Inspired by:
Searching for the fat vector