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Les French: Ze cuisine? Tres bon! Judgment? Not so much.

By on July 6, 2005 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

At the G8 on Sunday French President Jacques Chirac was joking around with his German and Russian buddies [arch eyebrow] within earshot of some reporters. The subject of cuisine came up, and he said that the British could not be trusted because of their approach to the culinary arts. (I’m paraphrasing, naturally.)

Chirac then added:

“The only thing they have ever done for European agriculture is mad cow disease.”

Gerhard and Vladimir laughed and chortled, most likely just pleased Chirac wasn’t having a go at their national gastronomies.

I’m sure Chirac thought he was killing. So he added [to more laughter]:

“After Finland, it is the country with the worst food.”

Reporters were writing this down all the while.

I’m driven by the same monkey-urge as Chirac, to go for that next best laugh, but I am not the President of a nation hoping to win the Olympics — as Chirac was at that point on Sunday.

Today, London (England, not the Ontario version) won the bid in a tight race over Paris, which has bid three times in the last few rounds and was highly favoured to win the games. In total, there was a difference of four votes.

So, if just four people out of the 110 eligible delegates voted for London because of Chirac’s undiplomatic comments, then Chirac caused France the 2012 Olympics. Just saying …

Anyone who has ever been treated condescendingly by a French waiter — and of course all Brits and Finns — can, without guilt, enjoy this moment of schadenfreude.

Beebed Off | Olympic bids

Dead shark eyes and full frontal nudity

By on June 16, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Stesha had a big brain. Some people said this enormous and inefficient organ was the cause of his problems, but some had darker suspicions.

Of course, his supporters said Stesha’s big brain was one of his best features; it was why he would someday become Politica Suprema. Many of his closest spindicas felt that Stesha had other important attributes, such as a barely discernable sense of humor. The best thing to counter ill-formed opinion of him? Take him to summer festivals, celebrated by the common folk, where he could show off his big brain and tiny wit.

***

Johnson’s yearly summer barbeque was legendary for its full frontal nudity. An ex-HR professional, Johnson was capable of spontaneous bouts of nakedness, for very little reason, really. Sometimes a pretty woman inspired it, and sometimes it was just too hot.

That summer, he’d promised his family, his friends and the neighbors that it would not happen. He would, by Cupid’s Tallywhacker, keep himself clothed. Continue Reading →

Mop & Pail Published Limerick

By on June 12, 2005 in Parody & Satire

Hmm. This is interesting. Looks like the Globe actually published that limerick I sent them in May:

There once was a PM named Dithers
who tended to bluster and blither,
when his Liberals were found out,
to Canada he’d just tout,
“We’re slimy but the Tories they slither.”

Verify

Puritan neocon whackjob list of bad books

By on June 3, 2005 in Parody & Satire

I’m sure everyone is linking to the “10 Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries” thing, but I cannot . . . restrain . . . comm- . . . en- . . . tary . . .

I can agree with the first three: The Commmunist Manifesto, Mein Kampf and Mao’s Little Red Book, though I think there’s some merit to the Communist Manifesto in terms of helping create the field of economics. However, after that, all I can say is: WTF!

The Kinsey Report? Come on.

Even more telling — check out some of the “honourable mentions” on their list:

  • On Liberty by John Stuart Mill
  • Origin of the Species by Charles Darwin
  • Coming of Age in Samoa by Margaret Mead
  • Silent Spring by Rachel Carson

Yep. Except for the work by mass-murderers, what we got here is not a list of harmful books, but a list of books that a bunch of puritanical, anti-science, regressive, knuckle-draggers would like to ban first. Traditional libertarian values, evolution, anthropology, environmentalism . . . yep. All bad.

See the list of eeevil | Cleanse palate with dose of irony

Oh Canada: the pine-cone republic, in three limericks

By on May 5, 2005 in Parody & Satire

Yep, it’s true. If it was warm enough to grow the tasty tube fruit, we’d be in danger of becoming a banana republic. (Monarchy notwithstanding.)

As a proud Canadian, I find the debacle we call parliament is embarrassing. The corruption of the Liberals is disgusting, and I don’t trust any of the other parties in the house much more. (The Conservatives less, if truth be told.)

Rather than rant incoherently, I thought I’d express myself in limerick form:

There once was a PM named “Dithers”
who tended to bluster and blither,
when his Liberals were found out,
to Canada he’d just tout,
“we’re slimy but the Tories they slither.”

The Liberals they followed Paul Martin,
and their numbers were droppin’ and smartin’
when asked if they’d step down,
old Dithers he just frowned,
and said its procedural fartin’.

The source of this malady’s Jean.
Too long the Grits have hanged on.

We’re faced with a Harpur,
A Leighton, a carper …
Give our Greenies the baton!