Tolbert Whistlebaum had a deep and abiding love for the English language, which is why he took a doctorate at Oxfjord University, concentrating on Naughty Victorian Literature.

His scholarship was insufficient to cover his tuition and his love affair with first edition copies of Richard Burton’s translation of the Kama Sutra (eventually they became unreadable), so he took on a copy-editing job with the marketing division of Gargantuan Enterprises. His boss was a lovely and exciting woman, but she did nothing to stop the linguistic excrescences that his co-workers produced on a daily basis.

He is pictured here, shortly before he did a little “rightsizing” at the company through a new “aggressive interface paradigm.”

Everyone agreed — including the judge — that his presentation was quite “impactful”.

Alltop is constantly monetizing their outside-the-box thinking, and moving forward too.

This piece of hackery is most often heard in business settings, but I’m afraid it has even crept into the hallowed halls of academe, where one is as likely to hear Latin freakery such as sui generis.

It tends to be used in one of two ways, both of which are like dragging a mailed glove over a blackboard (see video below).

The most common use is to say something like, “moving forward, this project will take us into the future, where happy unicorns and horny leprechauns will help us impact the bottom line, probably more than we’d like.” (We shall discuss “impact” in another column .) Like, at this point in time, this is an extremely silly phrase because its saying, really, moving forward in time.

But until we have invented a working time machine, we have NO CHOICE but to move forward in time. Moving backward (in time) is not an option people! And really, what self-respecting person wants to move backward, unless it’s away from some kind of danger, or an abhorrent phrase like “it is what it is”.

The other use is to segue from one topic of conversation/item in an agenda, to the next. Let’s just all agree not to do this anymore, okay? It’s torture!

Almost as torturous as this (slide forward to the 8:53 mark):

You can find it at YouTube if the embedded thingy doesn’t work.

So this one gets seven out of ten gobsmacks:

Like me, alltop and humor-blogs.com both pretend to understand Latin phrases too.

Oh great. It wasn’t bad enough that every hack headline writer forced to slap a four-word précis on an article they didn’t understand has been using this bromide to bludgeon creativity into a senseless mess for years, now some kind of institution that claims to have expertise about language has elevated this linguistic turd by declaring it the one-millionth word in the English language.

If you have to be convinced of the dubiousness of this “institution’s” claims of expertise, you might want to know that their one-million-and-first word is “Financial Tsunami”. What’s wrong with that, right? It’s in wide use at the moment. I totally agree, but if I’m not wrong, “Financial Tsunami” is a phrase, not a word. *

You probably think I’m quibbling; the Phrase Freak lives for the elevation of the noble quibble to a full-length post.

My main concern with this thing (you will notice that I’ve avoided using it as much as possible, but just so we’re clear, it’s “Web 2.0″) is it encourages mediocre thinking and writing. I’ve already seen Medicine 2.0, Library 2.0, Business 2.0, Government 2.0, etc., so I suppose this trend will only continue, and perhaps accelerate now that the progenitor cliché has now been anointed.

This one gets nine gobsmacks out of ten:

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are all about Comedy 2.0. You can visit the guilty party, the Global Language Monitor, here.

Cross-posted at When Falls the Coliseum.

*According to my OED, a word is: “n. 1. a sound or combination of sounds forming a meaningful element of speech, usu. shown with <em>a space on either side of it</em> when written or printed.” back

Asparagus lag

The delay in time between eating asparagus and your next pee. Exactly the same time lag it takes to forget you ate asparagus.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also unforgettable.

I know there have been a ton of these, but this “Downfall of Grammar” mashup really is worth your time!

If the embed thingy doesn’t work, you can find it at YouTube.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com also use their middle fingers to point at the map with.

This absurd meme is catchy because it combines the inherent sexiness of something that can kill you with the allure of something that you want to have in your bank account, or even better, your garage.

You may find it interesting to know that two anagrams of “toxic assets” are “a cost exists” and “taxes is cost.” Perhaps this is the cryptographic meaning we should keep in mind as the US government (and I’m sure the Canadian government will follow closely behind, just like the loyal scotty dog it is), pours another trillion dollars (dozens of dollars north of the border) to help purchase these bad debts. Of course, another anagram of “toxic assets” is “sexist tacos”, so perhaps we shouldn’t read too much into it.

I’m not as offended by this neologism as I am by many other freaky phrases overused by the media, because frankly most of the terms being thrown around during this financial meltdown don’t make any sense to me. Here is a few phrases that I got out of the first half of this CBC story:

• ossified financial markets (I actually kind of like this one, it makes me think of an active trade in bones)
• risky and distressed but probably fundamentally undervalued assets (not only do things now have feelings, but they can be both probabilistic and fundamental at the same time)
• patient capital (this is where the kingdom of sick people is ruled from)
• non-performing loans (they refuse to juggle)
• asset-backed commercial paper (um…)
• legacy assets (uh …)
• legacy securities….

I believe the latter two are an attempt by the US Treasury Department to re-brand the term “toxic assets”, but I’m not really sure because I was overcome by crushing ennui and was unable to read any further.

Now, I’m not saying that toxic assets don’t exist. I can think of a number of toxic things (that is, substances that are harmful, poisonous, virulent, and capable of making well-loved parts of one’s body drop off) that could be considered as assets (anything of material value or use):

• enriched plutonium
• a barrel of chlorine
• Paris Hilton’s panties (worth about $2,000 on Ebay).

This one gets five gobsmacks out of ten.

Oh, and you’ll also be happy to know there is a related anagram: It’s so sex act!

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are valuable piles of anthrax.

It’s nice to know that The Phrase Freak is not the only person out there visiting crazy town on a daily basis because of English usage.

It seems as though there is an epidemic of misused apostrophes, such as the one in the headline of this post. And it has been noticed. Oh yes, we’re keeping an eye on you, Sir.

We’re not just talking about people being confused about the its-versus-it’s thing, which let’s face it, is kind of an arbitrary rule. We’re talking about the rampant use of the greengrocers’ apostrophe: seating an apostrophe in chair’s where they shouldn’t sit.

This chap has a video about the evil trend in punctuation:

How did this error become so common, so catapostrophic? Diesel believes it may have something to do with medieval monks and their practice of illuminating manuscripts about the Oakland A’s.

According to Lynne Truss, author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves, prior to the 19th century, the apostrophe was used to direct how foreign-sounding words were to be pronounced, for example, banana’s, folio’s, logo’s, quarto’s, pasta’s, ouzo’s. [Wiki]

I suspect the phenomenon is more recent, probably having something to do with asbestos mining, the whole language movement, and of course, the fluoridation of our water:

This seems like a rather excessive solution. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to simply abolish the silly little bugger.

Well all be happier than were now. Oh, wait, those pre-19th century duffers had a point. Never mind.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are strict grammarians (with riding crops). Steve also has a rant about the heinous term: irregardless. Thanks to Urbanmkr for the apostrophe mosaic.

I have to preface this edition of The Phrase Freak with the following caveat: I don’t have an advanced degree in physics or philosophy, so I’m probably not the best person to discuss the nature of time.

I do have an MA in Lexicographic Wankery, and I can tell you for sure this is an annoying cliché. It is irritating because really, aren’t we are ALWAYS at “this point in time”?

According to Newton, time is a kind of comic, in which events exist in the different frames of the stip. The other view of time (supported by Newton’s arch-nemesis, the powered exo-skeleton-wearing Gottfried Leibniz) is that time is neither a thing nor an event, but more of an intellectual structure (like space or number or grooviness). In either case, the phrase “at this point in time” is superfluous because time travel is not possible.*

No doubt you’ve heard the chestnut: “yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift, and that’s why it is called the present.” Despite the treacly nature this phrase, there is truth to it. We live our lives in the present, and time’s arrow goes in one direction. So, “at this point in time” is understood. You might as well use phrases such as, “as a mammal,” or “moving forward in time.” (Often shortened to “moving forward” in business settings.)

Other related, annoying phrases: “presently” & “currently”. (Sorry to the everyone at CBC’s The Current, I enjoy your program, but you commit this heinous phrase freakery every. Single. Day.)

*Yes, Newton might say it’s possible, but we don’t yet have a working time machine — I blame the shortage of flux capacitors. Don’t even get me started on Schrodinger’s semi-existent cats or Heisenberg’s waffling.

Six gobsmacks out of ten:

Alltop is Newtonian in nature, and humor-blogs.com is a Leibniz-lover.

This is one that has been festering for some time, so please forgive the Phrase Freak if he goes “off the Bale” a bit. Like many changes to the English language, the meaning of this word has become twisted. Once, it defined something that was done without a method or choice, something determined by chance.

It did not mean something unexpected, strange, improvised, capricious, absurd, and cheese-eating monkeys flying out of my butt. (See that last one was absurd, a non sequitur for sure, but it was not random, even if it might have seemed that way to you.)

Now the Great Beast (Facebook) has slouched its way into the Bethlehem of my daily routine with an epidemic of lists (which by their nature tend to be the opposite of random) giving me supposedly “random” facts about the people I love and admire. Many of these people are incredibly literate. Way smarter than me. Yet they have fallen under the sway of the googly-eyed siren that spawned the phrase, “that’s, like, so totally random.”

It is easy to mistake great complexity or subtlety for randomness. I’d be willing to bet that most of those lists are:

• carefully chosen
• written to achieve a specific effect
• tomato paste.

I’m afraid this usage gets eight gobsmacks out of ten. We’re on full alert now people!

Other freakish phrases:

Shovel Ready | specific timetable | full patch | IED | on the ground

You can check the definition of random yourself. Yardsitck! Alltop and humor-blogs.com lack of coherence should not be considered random either.

The Phrase Freak is a column in which The Skwib questions the phrases that we hear or read in the media, and encourages you, the gentle reader, to mock people who use said phrases. “Shovel-ready” is the most recent neologism that is causing my ears to bleed. (My eyes just roll when I read it.)

Apparently this phrase has been around for some time, but it reached the dim consciousness of the media when President Obama used it on Meet the Press in early January. Since then reporters and talking heads have been repeating it like OCD parrots after too much espresso. (Yes, I’m saying that parrots drink espresso.) Clearly, this is the big BO’s first major gaffe.

The loathsome phrase crossed the border and infected the Great White North in the run up to today’s budget announcement. CBC Radio has an especially bad case. I seem to be hearing it about every other minute on CBC One. (And yes, all of the blood gushing out of my ears is making a mess of my office.)

It would be more bearable if just occasionally a reporter explained what he or she meant by the phrase; if you do a little digging (sorry), you’ll discover that it means infrastructure projects that are prepared for immediate action — all they need is the funding. It’s a buzzword, and the reality is that most “shovel-ready” projects are going to take a little while to get going, even if governments do find a way to cut through some of the red tape that wraps up most public works projects like a straitjacket of crazy-making (and intensely itchy) bureaucracy.

You know what’s shovel-ready? The face of anyone who says it. Bong!

Freak Level on this phrase: 6 gobsmacks out of 10.

Other freakish phrases:

specific timetable | full patch | IED | on the ground| Thanks to tanakawho for the shovel pick.

The Washington Post examines the etymology of shovel-ready. Alltop and humor-blogs.com and Christy Moore say “don’t forget your shovel if you want to go to work.”