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The Phrase Freak: Shovel-Ready

By on January 27, 2009 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

this shovel is ready!The Phrase Freak is a column in which The Skwib questions the phrases that we hear or read in the media, and encourages you, the gentle reader, to mock people who use said phrases. “Shovel-ready” is the most recent neologism that is causing my ears to bleed. (My eyes just roll when I read it.)

Apparently this phrase has been around for some time, but it reached the dim consciousness of the media when President Obama used it on Meet the Press in early January. Since then reporters and talking heads have been repeating it like OCD parrots after too much espresso. (Yes, I’m saying that parrots drink espresso.) Clearly, this is the big BO’s first major gaffe.

The loathsome phrase crossed the border and infected the Great White North in the run up to today’s budget announcement. CBC Radio has an especially bad case. I seem to be hearing it about every other minute on CBC One. (And yes, all of the blood gushing out of my ears is making a mess of my office.)

It would be more bearable if just occasionally a reporter explained what he or she meant by the phrase; if you do a little digging (sorry), you’ll discover that it means infrastructure projects that are prepared for immediate action — all they need is the funding. It’s a buzzword, and the reality is that most “shovel-ready” projects are going to take a little while to get going, even if governments do find a way to cut through some of the red tape that wraps up most public works projects like a straitjacket of crazy-making (and intensely itchy) bureaucracy.

You know what’s shovel-ready? The face of anyone who says it. Bong!

Six gobsmacks out of ten (six repetitions of the scream)

Freak Level on this phrase: 6 gobsmacks out of 10.

Other freakish phrases:

specific timetable | full patch | IED | on the ground| Thanks to tanakawho for the shovel pick.

The Washington Post examines the etymology of shovel-ready. Alltop and humor-blogs.com and Christy Moore say “don’t forget your shovel if you want to go to work.” YouTube Preview Image

The Phrase Freak: Specific Timetable

By on December 11, 2007 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

Non-specific bus timetableThis is a phrase you hear more and more, particularly in the broadcast media, but the print world is guilty of it as well.

For example, I Googled the phrase in a news search yesterday, and got 850 results, including such august publications as the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal. To be fair, I was sent to Google after hearing it on CBC (radio) news recently.

A timetable, by it’s very nature, is specific. Otherwise, it is quite useless, as evidenced by the “non-specific” timetable I’ve created for the fictional Godot Buslines.

Freak level on this phrase: 7 gobsmacks out of 10.

The Phrase Freak: Full Patch

By on April 12, 2006 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

It’s not often that news from staid, parochial, London (Ontario) gets front-page status, though I think most people here would prefer we didn’t get it. No doubt you’ve heard about the massacre on Stafford Line, just a few miles from London. If you’ve been listening to the broadcast reports, you’ll also have picked up today’s freaky phrase: full patch (sometimes full patched).

To date, I’ve yet to hear a single broadcast report explain what “full patch” membership in any motorcycle gang means. Does this describe the state of their Levis? Is some kind of ocular disfigurement ritual like Odin worshipers, resulting in the wearing of eye patches? Hmmm?

Yet, they keep saying it, as though I’m supposed to know. Perhaps the reporters just think it sounds cool.

I sometimes think that’s how these phrases get going: “Hey, IED — that sounds much cooler than “bomb”, let’s use that.” In this case, it’s probably: “we can’t just say member. Homicidal member? No, that could get us sued. The police are saying they’re full-patch members. That sounds important. And neat-o. Let’s use that.”

Kudos to the London Free Press for explaining the jargon in yesterday’s edition:

FULL-PATCHED: A member who has earned all the privileges and dangers of being a full-fledged outlaw biker; one can turn a patch in, but it’s frowned upon and often the only way out is by death; gets to wear the chapter name under the gang’s name.

Freak level on this phrase: 4 gobsmacks out of 10.

The Phrase Freak: IED

By on February 8, 2006 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

Not to be confused with IUD, IED is the acronym for “improvised explosive device”. We believe this one may have been foisted on us by the Pentagon in order to somewhat sanitize reporting in Iraq.

IED sounds less messy than makeshift bomb, or roadside bomb, or heck, even bomb. However, the Pentagon has a rich history of trying to sanitize wars, so it is the media that must take the blame for this one, not the US Military.

We’re just glad that VBIED (vehicle borne IED) has not caught on too.

Freak level on this phrase: 7 gobsmacks out of 10.