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Archive | June, 2005

BadBoss: The Beginning

By on June 23, 2005 in Odd Science, Skwibby fiction

Jeremey Nefreuteau was a poster boy for the American dream, damnit!

His parents had immigrated from the little-known Eastern European nation of Blendork when he was just a lad, and he’d grown up in a tough steel town on the north shore of Lake Erie. From these humble beginnings, he became one of the best-paid managers in all of North America. And one of the most damaging.

Yes, he was a marvel.

As a child he learned to play the tuba, was shunned by the other kids, and tortured small wild animals for fun. (Not to cast any dispersion on the tuba-playing populace; Jeremey had been forced to play the tuba by his domineering father, Buptor Nefreuteau, who had once played flugelhorn for the Great Leader, back when Blendork was part of the Warsaw Pact.) Continue Reading →

Carnivalia, crapalia, abe-lincon-opalia, do-dalia … carnivalia

By on June 22, 2005 in General Skwib

The 144th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities can be found at This Blog Is Full Of Crap this week.

I quite enjoyed this absurd voyage into statistics, carbon absorbtion and an answer to the question: Do you have any Abe Lincoln in you? at Dr. Hartline.

Also, check out funny stuff at The Conservative Cat, and this cheeky piece in particular.

IMAO also has a link to The Skwib, in their Carnival of Comedy.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (#4):

By on June 21, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

Thag presents “spear” (slide 1)

  • long stick
  • sharpen end
  • put end in fire
  • this hard pointy bit goes in mammoth.

Chares of Lindos on building the “Colossus of Rhodes”(slide 12)

materials needed

  • iron
  • timber
  • earthen ramp
  • copper (lots)
  • something to make shiny bits even shinier (you know what I mean, you naughty Rhodesians)

Napoleon presents “Waterloo” (slide 1)

  • split Prussians and English
  • defeat each in turn
  • my greatest victory yet.

Hippocrates addresses the First Congress of the Greek City-State Medical Association (slide 2)

Rule One:

  • Don’t kill your patient

Rule Two:

  • Don’t make them sicker

(Same rule?)

Laura Secord explains scheme to warn Fitzgibbon of American plan to invade Niagara to idiot husband (slide 4)

  • Cow is a distraction
  • Cow is not going to fight Americans
  • Cow is to help me get away from American officers billeted in our house
  • Cow is not important!

Brain in the boot

By on June 20, 2005 in General Skwib, Odd Science, Skwibby fiction

It had been a long day for Trent Derbish, officer with the Canadian Border Service Agency. Lots of traffic, tons of odd declarations, and then this old bugger with an English accent.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I didn’t quite catch that. Could you repeat it?”

“Right,” the old man said, “all I’ve got to declare is a brain. I’ve got it in the boot, if you need to see it.”

“A brain in your boot?”

“Yes, officer, a brain. In the boot.” Continue Reading →

Dead shark eyes and full frontal nudity

By on June 16, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Stesha had a big brain. Some people said this enormous and inefficient organ was the cause of his problems, but some had darker suspicions.

Of course, his supporters said Stesha’s big brain was one of his best features; it was why he would someday become Politica Suprema. Many of his closest spindicas felt that Stesha had other important attributes, such as a barely discernable sense of humor. The best thing to counter ill-formed opinion of him? Take him to summer festivals, celebrated by the common folk, where he could show off his big brain and tiny wit.

***

Johnson’s yearly summer barbeque was legendary for its full frontal nudity. An ex-HR professional, Johnson was capable of spontaneous bouts of nakedness, for very little reason, really. Sometimes a pretty woman inspired it, and sometimes it was just too hot.

That summer, he’d promised his family, his friends and the neighbors that it would not happen. He would, by Cupid’s Tallywhacker, keep himself clothed. Continue Reading →