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Archive | June, 2005

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (#3)

By on June 13, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

Thag Presents Fire (slide 1)

Useful multi-purpose tool:

  • heat
    • prevention of intestinal problems through “cooking”
    • source of warmth for when Ice Age begins
  • light
    • increase number of useful nit-picking hours each day
    • Unk can work on his “cave painting” technology
  • protection
    • lions and other predators less likely to eat us

Beer! The new taste sensation! (slide 5)

  • More than rotting grasses in puddles
  • Tastes good(ish)
  • Feel squiffy (more fun for dancing, drumming, etc)
  • Prevention of intestinal problems
  • Need for agriculture now? Drag, but come on, it’s beer!

Second Presentation of Exodus
Concept to Pharoh (slide 7)

The LORD:
–Greater than Seth, protector of crops

  • locusts
  • eat grain
  • nothing green left
  • (not good for Egypt)

Socrates: Keepin’ it real (slide 2)

  • not lying
  • eloquent, yes but I tell the truth
  • i.e., bite me

Thomas Huxley: Presentation to British Association for the Advancement of Science (slide 96)

  • Rather be descended from an ape

    • –vs–

  • look like an ape

Einstein: Relativity (slide 3)

  • gravity — not a force
  • gravity — curvature of space-time
  • light can be “bent”
  • e.g., Christopher Isherwood in Nollendorfplatz

Hey, Let’s Invade Russia: Hitler’s Command Briefing (slide 4)

  • melting lead is good way to predict future
  • signs look excellent for Operation Barbarossa
  • this lump in particular (next slide)

Mop & Pail Published Limerick

By on June 12, 2005 in Parody & Satire

Hmm. This is interesting. Looks like the Globe actually published that limerick I sent them in May:

There once was a PM named Dithers
who tended to bluster and blither,
when his Liberals were found out,
to Canada he’d just tout,
“We’re slimy but the Tories they slither.”

Verify

Agent Kang, Trans-Dimensional Goof

By on June 7, 2005 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

We manage to get the translation close, and I only have a short distance to swim.

This is an excellent thing, because as familiar as I am with swimming — in aether, liquid, thought — the hominid form I’ve adapted seems to have a panic response to water.

But I am a higher life form; I can control the primitive adrenaline gland and its awful secretions. The tides are in my favor and I slide through the surf to the beach outside of a town the natives call “Hartlepool”.

I am on Earth soil, and my mission truly begins.

I have disguised myself as an Earth primate; I wear the strange coverings adopted by other important hominids on this backward planet. [picture]

Backwards. Yes, but the landmasses have proved impervious to penetration by our space-time wave-distortion apparatus. This is the closest we have gotten, and soon, I’m confident I will learn the secret.

On the beach I am accosted by two native primates, noticeably taller but less muscular than the disguise I wear.

“‘Allo, what ‘ave we here?” the tallest of them says, “it’s a monkey in a uniform.”

“Ooo, that’s adorable, it is!” says the other — a female of the species?

I ask them where I can find the device that prevents space-time displacement.

My translator vocalizes:
“Greetings. My am being Kang. Known, when I to appreciate them, the units of flesh-pie wormhole masticating barfundo.”

From their reaction I can tell the outgoing part of my translator is not functioning properly.

“The bleedin’ monkey talks!”

“That ain’t right!” says the male. With that, they run away. I follow — the locomotive ganglia of this disguise does not seem to be as well adapted to perambulation as the other primates.

Soon other hominds appear. They capture me, and I am questioned.

“Are you a spy?” one of the magistrates asks me.

Perhaps this planet is not as unsophisticated as we thought.

I dare not risk the translator again, and remain silent, and discover that they think I am French.

I am relieved. I may die, but we were right. They are backwards …

Inspired by: British Town’s Curious Simian Myth | Lost in Translation