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Archive | July, 2005

The list issue

By on July 11, 2005 in General Skwib

Dear Editors:

We would like to express our considerable annoyance with the preponderance of lists being generated by the so-called end of the millennium. Here are our ‘top ten’ reasons why you should encourage fewer lists, and more grammatically intact prose:

    10) Lists are incapable of expressing irony.
    9) Making other people feel they should read Ulysses is vicious, iniquitous and generally not nice.
    8) Actually reading Ulysses is even worse.
    7) We don’t like counting backwards.
    6) Lists lead to people compiling books of lists, which are doubly annoying.
    5) Is always filler.
    4) Too many sentence fragments.
    3) Countdowns lead one to expect that a rocket will be launched. But no rocket is launched.
    2) Casablanca.
    1) Is usually a huge letdown.

Please feel free to use this list in place of other lists you may be tempted to print, and save Canadians valuable reading time. We hope this suggestion is taken with the seriousness in which it is given.

Mark Rayner, Esq.
On behalf of The Emily Chesley Reading Circle

Originally published: November 29, 1999 in the National Post

Visit The Emily Chesley Reading Circle and discover more of our Letters of Annoyance.

Ask General Kang: Can I Be More Charismatic?

By on July 11, 2005 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!, Odd Science

General Kang -- a portraitAbsolutely, it is easy for you to be more charismatic, though you will never be as appealing as I am.

According to Professor Richard Wiseman (I’m not sure what he’s a professor of, but he’s British and his last name is “wise” “man”, so he must be a reliable source), 50 percent of charisma is innate and 50 percent can be taught. For some of us, it’s more like 90/10.

The good professor says charismatic people have three key attributes:

  • they feel emotions themselves quite strongly;
  • they induce them in others;
  • and they are impervious to the influences of other charismatic people.

So, if you are naturally drawn to my finely chiseled face, and rendered speechless by my presence (as most of you are) then you are not impervious to the charisma of others.

However, you can train yourself to become inured to other magnetic personalities. Continue Reading →

Showering Saskatoon with Health

By on July 10, 2005 in General Skwib, Odd Science

Despite the higher-than-normal water levels in the South Saskatchewan River, Saskatoon city officials have restricted the use of water to drinking, cooking and flushing. (At least, I assume that what “non-essential uses” means.)

So watering the lawn or even having a shower are basically out.

I’m sure it won’t be an consolation, but recent studies have shown that showering can be unhealthy. So there you go Saskatoon! That makes it better. Not being able to clean yourself will make you more healthy.

It’s true. In France they have a much higher life expectancy than we do. And all along we thought it was the red wine.

Ironic Water Shortage | Unhealthy Showers

Aello, Aliens and the Imagination of Peter Trundle

By on July 8, 2005 in Skwibby fiction

All Peter Trundle knew was that the fecal matter had come from a great height, and that it had nearly killed him.

He had been taking a shortcut through the woods near his home, after watching War of the Worlds. He was still thinking about the way the aliens made that terrible foghorn noise right before they dumped out a thunderous stream of water. Man, that was scary. And a little bit gross. What was that, some sort of alien bowel movement?

Just then, there was a gust of wind, a distant screeching sound, almost like the sound of a crow laughing, and something hit him on the head.

When he came to, Trundle didn’t know how long he’d been unconscious, but the wind had grown in intensity, and he could hear the rumble of thunder. He was covered in blood and a substance that could only be one thing. He was seeing a few spots too.

Perhaps it was the blow to the head, perhaps the suggestible mood he was in, but Trundle was suddenly, terrifyingly sure of one thing. The aliens were coming. Continue Reading →