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Archive | October, 2005

Halloween Carnival Horror!

By on October 31, 2005 in General Skwib

FrankensteinA few spooky carnivals and links to make note of this morning. At The Owner’s Manual, you’ll find the Best of Me Symphony, which features the Frankenstein Edition of the Lost PowerPoint Slides. There is freaky, funny stuff at Conservative Cat. There was a special spooky Carnival of the Insanities posted at Dr. Sanity yesterday. And what better day to celebrate the Carnival of the Godless, hosted by A Rational Being? (Who irrationally didn’t use The Skwib’s entry.)

And don’t forget to check out the Carnival of Liberty..

Signs you’ve been watching too many horror movies

By on October 31, 2005 in General Skwib

scary face image

  • You freak out whenever someone plays the top notes on the piano keyboard.
  • You refuse to say: “wait here, I’ll be right back.”
  • You are with an extremely hot person of the opposite sex, who wants to gratify your most depraved urges. Yet, you say no. No way. Everyone knows if you have sex, you die.
  • You cannot answer the phone. Particularly at night.
  • You’re in the grocery store. Your spouse wants to separate to get the shopping done faster. Un uh. That’s almost as bad as having sex.
  • You start wearing rear-view mirrors.
  • Your briefcase is filled with garlic, wolvesbane, silver bullets, wooden stakes, crosses, holy water and the report that you didn’t get done because you were too busy catching up on your Necronomicon reading.
  • You have a video of yourself apologizing to everyone’s mother for getting them killed.
  • In your opinion, Halloween is worst day of the year.

Original photo by DerrickT

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (War of the Worlds Edition)

By on October 30, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

War of the Worlds graphic from 1898Orson Wells and Mercury Theatre present “this just in” (slide 2)

    We interrupt this program to bring you a news bulletin:
  • strange explosions on Mars
  • meteorite landed in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey.

Orson Wells and Mercury Theatre present “this just in” (slide 3)

  • reporter Carl Philips here at landing site
  • large crowd watching Martian rocket ship open up
  • heat rays vaporize people in crowd
  • O the humanity!

Dwayne Lunchbucket, listening to the radio in Schenectady, NY, presents “I’m freakin’ out” (only slide)

  • Martians, Martians!
  • Aiiiiii!

    • [sound of front door slamming after I run out of house, screaming like a little girl]

Orson Wells and Mercury Theatre present “this just in” (slide 7)

  • Martians spraying poison gas
  • US Army can’t stop them
  • total annihilation imminent.

Radio-listening public presents “hey, let’s panic!” (several thousand slides, repeated over and over)

  • is it really Martians?
  • no, must be a mistake, it’s the Germans!
  • The Germans have invaded?
  • Yep, Germans!
  • Aiiiii!

Orson Wells presents “it’s just a play people” (slide 6)

  • once again, we remind you that this is just a play
  • a performance by The Mercury Theater
  • I am boy genius, Orson Wells, and we will serve no drama before its time.

Inspired by:
Anniversary of original radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, October 30, 1938

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Statue of Liberty Edition)

By on October 28, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

Statue of libertyU.S. President Grover Cleveland Dedicates “Liberty Enlightening the World” on October 28, 1886 (slide 2)

    • gift from France, another sister in liberty, celebrating the centenary of the Declaration of Independence
    • without France, America would not have been free
    • an alliance of friendship and respect
    • yep, America will never forget this. We’ll always be friends.

    French sculptor Frederic Auguste Bartholdi presents ideas for statue in 1867 (slide 6)

    • liberty is a big idea, therefore, big statue
    • a new colossus
    • needs a hot model (not wife)

    Slides from Emma Lazarus poem “The New Colossus” in 1883 (second last slide)

    Give me:

    • tired
    • poor
    • huddled masses yearning to breathe free

    Also:

    • wretched refuse
    • homeless, tempest-tossed.

    Taylor finds ruined statue half-buried on beach and presents scenery chewing rant number three (only slide)

    • You maniacs! You blew it up!
    • Damn you! God damn you all to hell!

    Inspired by:
    anniversary of dedication | original photo by bencwright

    Carnival of Satire #6

    By on October 27, 2005 in Carnival of Satire

    Carnival of Satire #6 -- image of gorilla smokingWelcome to the sixth Carnival of Satire at The Skwib. We’d like to congratulate TAN-Man at The Assimilated Negro for winning the first Exploding Skwib Award, which means we really liked his post, If We Bring Back The Slave Days, Look At The Cool Products We’ll Have!! A copy of The Amadeus Net is, as you read this, on its way to our newest Swift.

    Onto this week’s satire:

    We don’t know much about Cabarrus County, North Carolina, but we think that Justin Thibault at The View From The Cheap Seats might be onto something big with his Proposal for a New Caucus System: Cabarrus Idol.

    Kid Various at The Idiom examines the issue of gorilla endorsements in Get Your Stinkin’ Paws Off Me You Damn, Dirty Ape!

    Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face discovers some disturbing things about the crimes that Hussein is being charged with in Accepting Unlicensed U.S. Military A** Whupping Tops New Hussein Charges. Thag is particularly worried about the “spelunking while intoxicated” law. He really enjoys being blotto in the grotto.

    Tommy at Striving For Average produces a category one bit of satire in Paper Towels

    Pluto’s Dad at Pluto’s Page discovers there is hope for all the unmarried North American losers out there in Trouble Finding a Wife? Check out Chechnya! Continue Reading →