Navigation

Archive | October, 2005

Both arms? Yes, and the rest of the body too.

By on October 7, 2005 in General Skwib, Odd Science

image of LifeGem diamondWomen, don’t let your man dissuade you from getting the diamond ring you’ve always wanted! Now there’s a way to get around the inconvenient moral problem of conflict diamonds. Turn to LifeGem, a company that uses super-heated ovens to turn the ashes of your loved one into a blue or yellow diamond. (With a retail value of $2,700 – $20,000 US.)

Of course, you will need the cremated remains of someone to put into the super-heated oven. [Ed. note: obvious joke cut due to its bad taste.] Failing that, you could always buy a Canadian diamond if you don’t have someone to put in said oven.

Bill Maher joke about conflict diamonds, referred to in the title, can be found (roughly) here.

Alternate History Fridays: Dr. Tundra In the Dock

By on October 7, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Urizen creates the Holy WritThe Bailiff announced: “all rise for the Reverend Judge Solomon Dungry.”

Dr. Tundra watched as the Reverend Judge entered the Court. The inquisitor was a tall, cadaverous man, with piercing blue eyes and lips that were so thin, you could only see them when he scowled, which he did most of the time. He took his seat, a low bench next to a tall cross on his dais, and said: “everyone but the accused may sit.”

“That’s you,” Dr. Tundra’s Writ-appointed lawyer told him — a well-meaning man, but weak, and clearly a cog in this fundamentalist system.

“You are accused of three counts of heresy, Dr. Tundra,” the Bailiff read from a clipboard. “One — you have purposefully taught the heretical notion of evolution. Two — you have posited another Supreme Being than Our Christian Lord, God. Three, you have called this False God the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

“How do you plead?”

“Not guilty of course,” Dr. Tundra said. “But may I ask, am I not entitled to a trial by jury?”

The judge stood up, as did the rest of the Court. “No, heretic, you are not.”

“But doesn’t the Constitution grant me –”

“No, it does not. Before I pass sentence,” the Reverend Judge said, “may I ask what possessed you to do these things? Surely you knew of our Holy Writ before you came to America to teach?” Continue Reading →

Carnival of Satire #3

By on October 6, 2005 in Carnival of Satire, General Skwib

image of panda puking - carnival of satireWow, another great round of satire coming at you in this week’s Carnival of Satire. Thanks to all who sent The Skwib their posts, and please keep them coming — putting this together is a great way to spend a couple of hours.

Let’s open up the COS with a bit of ripping good satire, in the mode of Swift. The Assimilated Negro at The Assimilated Negro riffs on the oft-partially quoted Bill Bennett, in a funny, raw, piece: If We Bring Back The Slave Days, Look At The Cool Products We’ll Have!!

On the softer, furrier side, Kid Various at The Idiom let’s us know that in a Mexican Zoo, a Panda Fails To Catch Yellow Fever. This is such cuddly, vaguely pornographic, satire.

Warren Meyer at Coyote Blog has gotten an exclusive look at the Agenda for UN Internet Conference. I think the only item missed was that the panel on limiting Pornography on the Web was actually a joint effort by the Saudi security service and the FBI.

Everyman at Everyman Chronicles presents Anti-Anti-War Protesters Bring Tanks to Rally!

Brandon Bibb at Grapevine’s Ramblings presents Red Sox File Suit for Joint Custody of AL East Title

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Sheehan’s Rogue Vagina Eats Officer’s Hand in an inspired bite … uh, bit.

Ah, Mr. Blue, you foolish, foolish fellow — why call in the lawyers? Mr. Satire at satire.myblogsite.com/blog presents Garrison Keillor At Prairie Home Lost His Oversized Yellow Panties, Companion Marbles & Sense Of Humor. The sad story of man with a great sense of humor and how he lost it.

Bob Sterling at Smegmaster.com [Ed. comment: yikes! If I was a master of smegma, I would never admit it, unless I was starting a punk band.] presents the pithy and inspired: Steve Jobs and God team up to release Bible Nano

Vox Poplar at Vox Poplar Is right About Everything & Don’t You Forget It! presents 1 on 1 with RONNIE EARLE

Brad Warbiany at The Unrepentant Individual presents Congress Tackles Performance-Enhancing Drugs in Music. Warning: this piece is rife with Canadian content. Not only is Bill Shatner mentioned, but so is the dreaded “aboot” issue. LUCY IN THE SKY!!!!

And to finish up, we’ll keep with the Canadian theme. It’s time to have at our politics. For those readers who aren’t following our scandals up here, our ruling party — the Liberal Party of Canada — have a tiny, almost infinitesimal problem with corruption. Bob at either orr pierces the veil beautifully in: An advertisement for the Liberal Party of Canada.

That’s if for this week folks. Keep that great satire coming, and for next week, please turn up your creativity to “11” and refrain from using the following words, which Thag finds deeply upsetting: orange, wankle rotary engine, toenail clippings, moonbat — and just to keep it balanced — wingnut. Thanks to jusintaugust for the panda photo and the ubercarnival. As always, if you’re not sure if your post is satire or not, you can always see what we think satire is, by checking out Mark’s essay, Satire’s Ugly Sisters.

Wednesday-O-Rama with Wings!

By on October 5, 2005 in General Skwib

Genius (with Turkey)A few more Carnivals to make note of and hosts to thank for including The Skwib. First off, it’s late, but the Tangled Bank (hosted by Living the Scientific Life) has tons of really interesting scientific reading, presented in a lovely way with essays and purdy pictures. As always, thanks to the Conservative Cat for including us in his funny stuff. And you will find a nicely thought-out and presented version of the Carnival of the Vanities today at Technogypsy.

And having recently toured my blogroll, I’d like to point out some fun stuff that I’ve found:

Over at The Poutine Diaries, Steve has another installment of I Understand Women, helping men grok the question: “What Should I Do With My Hair?”.

Scroll down a bit to find TunafishNews, where Mr. Archer has been on fire of late. In particular, I enjoyed: Dick Cheney Now Just a Disembodied Brain, Experts Say Universe Designed by Three Stooges, and Conservative Scholars React Cautiously to Bush Court Pick. On a related note, the headline, “Gravitas and a buck will get you a cup of coffee” at Jesus’ General today made me snorf.

To keep it balanced, I must also recommend Mister Snitch’s “Who’s the Dummy?”. Remember the SNL episode where Phil Hartman played a genius Ronald Reagan who just pretended to be dumb? Well, “W” probably watched it. (How he remembered it with all the drinking he was doing at the time, I’ll never know. Just another indication of how frickin’ brilliant he is — enough brain cells to waste with booze and drugs!)

Ask General Kang: I may have inadvertently started an intergalactic war with the Bleugzag Imperium. Do you think this might be held against me when I apply for college?

By on October 5, 2005 in Ask General Kang

ask general kangWow, good on ya!

I’d hold this against you if you DIDN’T report it on your application. Starting an intergalactic war takes a great deal of organization, planning, and above all, unbridled enthusiasm. (Though that can get you into all kinds of hot water, as my ill-fated expedition to the Ambartsumian’s Knot galaxy would tell you, if any of them had survived.)

The part that I MIGHT omit is the “inadvertent” bit. If the registrar of your college thinks that you’ve just started a war by accident, they might question your resolve and therefore believe that you might not be a good candidate for their fine institution. Most colleges are looking for go-getters with lots of smarts, and failing that, families with deep pockets.

So, definitely PUT the war with the Bleugzag Imperium on your application, but fudge whether you intended the hostilities or not.

By the way, where is the Bleugzag Imperium? You’re not having me on, are you?

Next week: A few weeks ago you suggested that I should move in with my boyfriend, whom I thought was an alien. Now, I’m pretty sure he’s a human, but I can’t get him to cut his toenails — help!