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Archive | October, 2005

China opens new smoking cessation clinic for humans

By on October 4, 2005 in Monkeys!, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

image of mugshot caption: prisoner patientXI’AN (The Skwib) — Party officials in China have opened a new anti-smoking clinic in northwest China.

Earlier this week, officials at the Qinling Safari Park in Shaanxi Province announced that after 16 years of chain smoking, the chimp Ai Ai has successfully quit the health-threatening habit.

The 27-year-old chimp was given special foods, and she was distracted from her cravings for cigarettes with walks, gymnastics and stirring readings from the Little Red Book.

But party officials quickly realized the core of Ai Ai’s success — she was in a cage, and the zoo keepers stopped giving her cigarettes.

“When put this together, knew we on something” said Wen Jingtao, the Director of the Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic.

“We have lots empty cages here, so why not put to use?”

The Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic was born, and the first “clients” are due to arrive for their intensive 16-week course next Tuesday.

“We excited to see Western customers coming for stop smoking,” Jingtao told The Skwib as he puffed on his feculent unfiltered cigarette. “All guards . . . uh . . . not guards, uh . . . caregivers, are smokers, so the prison– I mean, the patients will be no longer tempted after they leave.”

The clinic is charging $2,500 US per stay. $500 extra for the non-torture package.

Inspired by:
Chimp gets monkey off its back | China | original photo by daniel duende

Caveman carnivalia!

By on October 4, 2005 in General Skwib

A couple quick carnival hits. At Unscrewing the Inscrutable you’ll find the Carnival of the Godless, where they love the atheist caveman, Thag. (Or if you are browsing with IE and a high tolerance for embedded sound files, you can visit at the original host’s site, Pinoy Athiest.)

And this week, the Conservative Cat gently pokes fun at our various failed efforts in the Bonfire of the Vanities.

Somehow we missed the Carnvial of the Insanities, which felt that a baboon-washing club qualified.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Chewing the Scenery Edition)

By on October 4, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

image of mozes with lost power point slidesCharlton Heston presents his Moses in The Ten Commandments (tenth slide)

  • “So let it be written, So let it be done.”
  • “The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold his mighty hand.”
  • “So it shall be written, so it shall be done.”

Things to remember in Judah Ben Hur, by CH (second slide)

  • Messala and Ben Hur are old friends, very close.
  • Yes, look good in slave loincloth too.
  • Hear Jesus talk of forgiveness while on the cross: “I felt His voice take the sword out of my hand.” No, not ironic, you hippy.

Charlton presents his favourite lines from Planet of the Apes (only slide)

  • “Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”
  • “You cut up his brain, you bloody baboon!”
  • “You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

Heston shows: material I could really work with in Soylent Green (only slide)

  • “Soylent Green is people!”

Heston presents: I should have won an award for best performance (only slide)

  • “From my cold, dead hands.”

Inspired by Charlton Heston’s Birthday [October 4]

Monday, Monday

By on October 3, 2005 in General Skwib

A few carnivals to make note of before we get to writing something. First off, the Best of Me Symphony makes it usual rounds, but this post at Multiple Mentality about the continuing attack on free speech in America kinda disturbed me. (Not the post, the news.)

Drop by the Conservative Cat for some weekend funny stuff, which links to a Cox and Forkum cartoon somewhat related to the one at Multiple Mentality. Who should censor the Internet, the US or Europe? I’ll let you decide.

There is also the Carnival of the Capitalists to have a look at this morning. Lots of stuff to read there! (Including my take on the insurance industry, Darth Jeremy, Dark Lord of Insurance Agents.)

Steeped in Irony

By on October 2, 2005 in General Skwib, Skwibby fiction

image of tim horton's cup in treeWhen he first saw the advertisement, Horatio Butler thought it was funny.

In the commercial, a mother misinterprets her teenage son, who describes the Tim Horton’s tea he just brought her as “steeped”. Instead of replying, “of course, son, all tea is steeped,” she thinks it is some kind of new and hip word for great, and proceeds to use it this way, making a jackass of herself to her daughter, her neighbor, and so forth.

After a few viewings, Horatio found this ad quite touching as well. The mother is really trying to relate to her children in the language they use. It is only a misunderstanding, after all, and she has the best of intentions.

This turned to actual sadness after the second week the ad was running. It was really quite tragic, how the mother’s good intentions were turned against her.

Horatio had to either change the channel or leave the room when this commercial came on.

Then Horatio noticed the students in his grade 11 history class using the term, “steeped”, in conversation. Even in academic discussions.

“Yeah, Mr. Butler,” they might say, “that Napoleon dude was steeped.”

He could hear the suppressed giggles, and he realized that “steeped” was now a codeword for how dorky adults everywhere were. Napoleon was “steeped”. His namesake, Admiral Nelson was “steeped”.

Then the ad made him angry. How dare Tim Horton’s make his job more difficult by ridiculing well-meaning adults? He would stop buying their coffee altogether, but alas, he was addicted to the stuff.

He was steeped.

Credits: photo by Adge

Austrians invent ultimate barfly stool

By on October 1, 2005 in Odd Science, Skwibby fiction

Image of empty pint glassesInnsbruck, Austria (The Skwib) — Not to be outdone by their Bavarian cousins across the border, a group of crack Austrian drinking scientists have created Der Trinkender Sitz — an automated seat designed for Oktoberfest.

“Yes, ve hope to sell these for Oktoberfest, but they are ideal for any … how do you say, you Americans. Ah, yes, any barfly,” Doctor Hans Pilsner told The Skwib.

Pilsner demonstrated the device, which looks like a tall, comfy highchair. Before sitting down on the stool, he opened a panel at the back of the back support, and inserted his finger into a small hole.

“This takes a blood test,” he explained. “So the device knows when you have reached your maximum allowable blood alcohol and instructs catheter to disengage.”

The catheter?

Yes, before sitting down, the scientist put on sterile gloves, lubricated the device, and . . . well, it is a long and what appears to be a painful procedure.

“Now all you have to do is sit down and enjoy your evening. You do not have to get up again until it is time for you to be . . . what is your idiom? Ah. Yes. Time for you to be poured into your cab to take you home,” he grinned.

Is it worth it?

“I must be honest. Only if you are extremely serious about your drinking. The other benefit of the device is that it will give you a gentle electrical shock in your bladder when you have reached your maximum blood alcohol level, as determined by your weight and the earlier blood test.”

Shocking indeed.

Inspired by:
Computerized Beer Mat