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Archive | November, 2005

Format changed for election debates

By on November 30, 2005 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Kirk and Abe look forward to debatesOttawa (The Skwib) — Canadian voters yearning for intelligent debates of serious issues are going to be sadly disappointed this election.

But Canadian television viewers are in for a treat, as the four major parties and five television networks have agreed to new formats for four televised debates.

The first debate will be modeled after the inexplicably popular reality TV show, Fear Factor, and will be moderated by the host of Fear Factor, Joe Rogan. The only major departure from that show is there will be no water-based stunts for the leaders to engage in.

When asked why, the producers of the first debate said, “Dude, nobody wants to see Paul Martin in a Speedo.” Instead of money, the winner of the first debate is allowed to keep one other leader out of the second debate.

That will be a real disadvantage for that leader, as the second and third debates will have the same format, and not getting a chance to learn the ropes in the second will doubtless hinder his performance in the third.

These debates will be more traditional in that the leaders will have to answer questions about their party platforms — the difference? The moderator and a select group of Canadian voters will get to pelt the contestants leaders with wet sponges, cream pies and in the third debate, live hamsters.

The fourth debate will be moderated by William Shatner, and is modeled after the episode of Star Trek (the original series) where Kirk and Spock were forced to fight four of the most evil humanoids of all time, with only the help of Surek and Abe Lincoln. The networks have not yet announced who will be playing Kirk, Spock, Surek and Lincoln.

The Green Party has already announced that they will NOT be filing a law suit on this one.

Inspired by:
Format changed for election debates

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Swift Edition)

By on November 30, 2005 in The Lost PowerPoints

Jonathan Swift portraitGulliver’s Travels (1726)

  • English establishment = Yahoos

On Religion

  • enough religion to make us hate
  • not enough to make us love one another.

A Modest Proposal (1729)

  • too many poor Irish
  • sell poor babies to rich
  • yes, as food.

On Human Nature

  • Men are content to be laughed at for their wit, but not for their folly.
  • Man is not rational – merely capable of it.

On Government

  • without the Consent of the Governed, Government is the very Definition of Slavery
  • in Fact, Eleven Men well armed, will certainly subdue one single man in his Shirt.

On Law

  • Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

On Satire

  • mankind’s virtues –> counted upon a few fingers
  • his follies and vices are innumerable –> time adds hourly to the heap.

“SATIRE is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are offended with it.”

Inspired by:
Jonathan Swift’s Birthday (Nov. 30, 1667)

Carnivalize!

By on November 30, 2005 in General Skwib

Yesterday the Bonfire of the Vanities, hosted by Sean Gleeson, picked up one of our Beijing Olympic mascot bits, amongst other posts that should have been torched. (Sort of — it’s always amusing to read people with a self-depricating sense of humor.)

Today we’ve got the Tangled Bank, which is a collection of science-related posts and well worth a visit. Also, the Carnival of the Campaigns and later today, the Carnival of the Vanities.

Dr. Tundra’s election watchlist

By on November 29, 2005 in Parody & Satire
irony misdemeanor -- Dithers in front of sign that says success
The Irony Police charged Martin with an ‘unintional irony misdemeanor’ after a speech at the National Congress of Chinese Canadians

Now that Dr. Tundra has gotten his wish for a Schadenfreude-y Christmas, the rest of us at The Skwib have decided to expand our normal offerings to include a more in-depth look at the Federal election campaign. Naturally, we thought it only fair that Dr. Tundra should provide the coverage. He begins this onerous task by examining some of the opening words of the campaign.

Metaphor as mixed as my ‘medication’ file

The Conservative leader Stephen Carper set forth on the high road, saying that the Liberals would run a negative campaign: “by spreading fear, by spreading lies” but in the end, he predicted, his party will win because: “hope beats fear 90 percent of the time.”

Unless, of course, hope is out having dinner:

“It’s like a thief who cries ‘Fire!’ in a crowded restaurant so that when no one is looking, he can clean out the cash register.”

“Ambition has overwhelmed common sense.”

Has Mr. Dithers hit the nail on the head with this pithy gem? Replace the word “ambition” with “greed”, and we have a fair description of the Liberal Party, n’est pas?

More information than we need file

“I think it’s very clear that the Liberals have not earned people’s votes. It’s the New Democrats who, with a small caucus, have shown what can be done.”

Yes, it IS clear that Mr. Layabout has a serious case of member (of parliament) envy. However, he believes that he has proved the old maxim, it’s not the size, it’s what you do with it. To paraphrase the confused Mr. Carper, in this issue, I believe hope denies reality 90 percent of the time.

Happy campaign trails! I’m off to follow the Carper campaign tomorrow.
Dr. Tundra

Ask General Kang: We’ve just had a Christmas election called, but I think it’s kind of meaningless because the Canadian political system is out of order anyway. How would you fix it?

By on November 29, 2005 in Ask General Kang, Parody & Satire

Ask General KangYou don’t know what out of order is! I’d show you, but I’m too old, I’m too tired, I’m too freakin’ insane. If I were half the primate I was five years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to the place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to? I’ve been around, you know–

Scent of a woman, right?

Yeah. Like my Pacino? Whoo-ah. Hah!

Seriously though, flamethrower IS one option. If you’ve got a problem with a whole system, fixing it is often harder than razing it to the ground and starting again.

Still, you may have some attachment to your quaint parliamentary “democracy”, and wish to update it for the new millennium. Have you thought about abolishing political parties and forcing the unaffiliated delegates (MPs, in your case) to vote in a Prime Minister and ruling cabinet?

Or you could go the route of Planet Maxicon, where the elected delegates fight it out with whiffle bats in the House of Pain, and the Last Politician Standing becomes First Minister. Do you know how long it takes to beat someone into unconsciousness with a whiffle bat? Planet Maxicon is famous for governments with serious political will. They get things done!

Then again, perhaps you could have some kind of referendum or plebiscite or something that convenes a new kind of government, but I think you should go with the whiffle bats.

Either that or invite me to become Canada’s new ruling chimp.

I mean, it’s not like you could do better.

Next time: What is your policy on the subject of shaving?