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Archive | April, 2006

The Phrase Freak: Full Patch

By on April 12, 2006 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, The Phrase Freak

It’s not often that news from staid, parochial, London (Ontario) gets front-page status, though I think most people here would prefer we didn’t get it. No doubt you’ve heard about the massacre on Stafford Line, just a few miles from London. If you’ve been listening to the broadcast reports, you’ll also have picked up today’s freaky phrase: full patch (sometimes full patched).

To date, I’ve yet to hear a single broadcast report explain what “full patch” membership in any motorcycle gang means. Does this describe the state of their Levis? Is some kind of ocular disfigurement ritual like Odin worshipers, resulting in the wearing of eye patches? Hmmm?

Yet, they keep saying it, as though I’m supposed to know. Perhaps the reporters just think it sounds cool.

I sometimes think that’s how these phrases get going: “Hey, IED — that sounds much cooler than “bomb”, let’s use that.” In this case, it’s probably: “we can’t just say member. Homicidal member? No, that could get us sued. The police are saying they’re full-patch members. That sounds important. And neat-o. Let’s use that.”

Kudos to the London Free Press for explaining the jargon in yesterday’s edition:

FULL-PATCHED: A member who has earned all the privileges and dangers of being a full-fledged outlaw biker; one can turn a patch in, but it’s frowned upon and often the only way out is by death; gets to wear the chapter name under the gang’s name.

Freak level on this phrase: 4 gobsmacks out of 10.

Blogrollish, etc.

By on April 11, 2006 in But is it art?, General Skwib

Okay, The Skwib has been outed. Over at Less People Less Idiots, they have created a thread advisory system for weblogs, ranging from “patriotic” to “extremist”. The Skwib has been given a ranking of “unbalanced”, which seems fair. In their words:

“Blogs with an Unbalanced rating are either serious security risks or the author is precariously close to forced admission to a mental asylum.”

Grumpy Old Bookman, who is anything but unbalanced, is also a fine if somewhat curmudgeonly book-blogger; and a novelist, who has just published his twelfth novel, HOW AND WHY LISA’S DAD GOT TO BE FAMOUS. He is releasing it chapter by chapter on his blog [start here], or you can download the pdf of it here.

A new addition to the blogroll is The Satirical Political Report, which is a pretty fair description. I enjoyed yesterday’s Presidential Scholars Scramble To Create New Categories For Bush

And yesterday also saw the Best of Me Symphony, hosted this week by Oscar Wilde, another writer who was outed, but in a much worse way.

The Tipping Point

By on April 7, 2006 in General Skwib, Parody & Satire

My friend Martin Redfern is a professional research dude (yes that’s the official term) and has some fine reading available on this website in the form of surveys that he’s made public. I enjoyed The Tipping Point [pdf link] immensely, about how we behave as tippers. (There are some good pointers in there for anyone working as a waiter/waitress too.)

And after reading the news this morning and Don’s article, The top ten differences between Vietnam and Iraq, I wonder if the US is not reaching some kind of tipping point regarding their Prez? BTW, in the comments “Texas Jerry” had an eleventh difference: Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

Professor Quippy: The Cliffy Siren

By on April 7, 2006 in But is it art?, Odd Science

Professor QuippyNow, I know this new invention was created for a serious problem — autism — but let me tell you, I sincerely hope that a few of my colleagues can get themselves one too. You see, the device warns you if you’re boring or irritating. It especially needs to be standard issue for the following departments: law, business administration, comparative literature and culture. Oh, and computer science — for that group I would just have one surgically grafted to every graduating student.

In a perfect world, this apparatus would also be installed in every bar and cafe in the world. When a boring conversation occurs, it would automatically bleep a warning to the offending party, or parties. The device could be set for a variety of modes, which would turn the boring conversation into something quite entertaining; if the conversation does not become more interesting, then one of several things could happen:

  1. electrified nipple clamps descend from the ceiling and clamp on the business end of the offender’s mammary glands (vestigial or not) and deliver a shock capable of truncating a discussion of the merits of Star Trek over Star Wars (or vice versa) and instigating an alarming and avant garde tap-dancing routine reminiscent of Joe “Twitchy” Mastication’s final few moments at the Great Vaudville Electric Dance Jamborium (circa 1912).
  2. a Viking helmet with horns descends from the ceiling, and hovers just above the offender’s cranium, causing the bore-ee to laugh inappropriately at the offender’s brutally dull anecdotes (if this does not work, then the helmet can make contact with the offender’s skull and administer a shock resulting in effects similar to #1.)
  3. air horn descends from the ceiling and floats next to offender’s ear until a tedious argument or phrase is repeated, at which point, the horn sounds, deafening offender (and possibly the primary inflicted party); this will only occur if the boring conversation is also extremely loud.
  4. nitrous oxide fills room.
  5. darts poisoned with curare will strike offender(s) in jugular vein(s). As they hit the floor, aggressive mimes will drop from the ceiling and pretend that they are eating a sandwich. This will be the last thing the offender(s) will see. THEN nitrous oxide fills the room.

God I love science!

More on the real Cliffy Siren here.

The Carnival of Satire (#28)

By on April 6, 2006 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireHaving seen what can happen when you drift away from your mission (the debacle of the Carnival of the Vanities this week, for example) we have tried to keep to our goals by presenting only satire. Okay, a few posts are more satirical than actual satire, but we think we can make an argument for what’s included this week lively round-up. At any rate, we hope you will enjoy this week’s submissions:

We start with a beautiful parody; English professor jokes dressed up in the form of an episode of Law and Order: Special Academic Unit (many thanks to Ahistoricality for finding this!)

Dr. Tundra has kudos for Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face, who had to alert the CDC when he discovered that Syphilis caught a bad case of Paris Hilton.

Chris Alexion at Welcome to the Fallout has a fake news story for you, English: EPA To Crack Down on Amish Emissions.

Ahistoricality also found this gem: “Symmetrical Pubic Hair Results in Good Behavior Days? Please. You’re Spoiling Me, Sire!” posted in Frankie Can’t Relax.

Amanuensis continues to let us know how the first inter-species marriage is going in Honeymoon interrupted by summit.

While on the subject of history, Mensa Barbie at Mensa Barbie Welcomes You unveils the truth behind the masterpiece in The Oil Lift of Isabella d’ Este .

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