It seems as though The Skwib is one of the premier destinations on the web if one is searching for crotchless panties. We know, writing this post is going to make it even worse, but something had to be said. The only saving grace — sort of — is that it is not the most popular search term referring people here: That is “Joan of Arc”.

We can only hope they’re not being used in the same search.

You might also have noticed the little “Recommend This Post” link at the bottom of each post. Just so you know, this is the new ranking system used on the Progressive Bloggers meta-site, so please, if you think what we’ve written here is worth sharing, give it a click and share the ironic joy.

Aloysius over at Caymology has done a purrific job with this week’s proto-carnival, the Carnival of the Vanities. (And we’re not just saying that because our post was one of the picks.)

Do check it out.

DAPHNE, Ala. (The Skwib) — The ferocious thunderstorm was just the start of the problems for Ella “Faithie” S. Uplicant on Monday.

The storm whipped up while her family was at the beach. She was concerned about their safety, so Uplicant prayed for their safe return as the tempest ripped through Baldwin County, Alabama.

“I find that God usually helps me out in times of trial,” she told The Skwib in a phone interview from jail this morning, “so I just got down on my knees, and started prayin’, right there in the kitchen.”

Instead of the safe return of her family, what she got was blast of lightning, right up the Cuisinart.

While the lightning strike destroyed a large section of her linoleum floor, Uplicant was uninjured. She was, however, soon arrested by an Alabama contingent of the Irony Police.

Charged with a single felony under the “dangerously ironic faith” section of the Irony Code, Uplicant will go to trial next week.

“I don’t see how I did anything wrong,” she said after her bail hearing.

While the Irony Police do not have an official policy on the existence of God, their public relations officer, Bartleby Whimsy, told The Skwib: “We’re not saying that God exists, but if It does, It has a sense of humor more twisted than George Carlin.”

Never mind the 200-foot tidal waves and instant dry-freezing of Hollywood-style global warming, I’m freaked out by the prospect of psycho ivy.

A new study by Duke shows that poison ivy will soon be taking over our forests. Not only will there be a lot more of it, the poison ivy will be a lot more toxic. All because of our friend, carbon dioxide.

As the ivy evolves, no doubt it will discover that it is more effective to control our minds than it is to just make us itchy; my prediction is the poison that causes the poison ivy rash — urushiol — will start to contain psychotropic substances.

These drugs will convince the itchy, delusional victims of the psycho ivy to wear lots of leather outfits studded with bits of metal and hockey equipment. There will be an epidemic of massively spiked Mohawk hair, and blistered neo-savages will tool around the ivy-overgrown forests in ATVs, fighting it out in a post-apocalyptic world with tiny crossbows and morning stars made out of old Campbell’s soup cans.

Into this savage world a hero will come: Chamomile Max.

Inspired by: Global warming makes for itchier poison ivy

Avast maties. Out here on the edges of a Sunday evening, where the map gets blurry (and not just from all the rum), ye might see some carnies. Argh!

The Carnival of the Godless, hosted right well by yer Financially Savvy Atheist, Frank. And here also be a fine parody, The Dai Vinci Cold.

And here be a sea of Insanities, navigated by yer captain, Dr. Sanity.

On the far horizon, the Best of Me Symphony, edited by that piratical playwright, Tom Stoppard.

Taking a short break from our usual satire and silliness, I’d like to point out this excellent article from the site wizard on how to prevent image bandwidth theft.

For those of you paying for your own bandwidth, there is an easy way to prevent people from stealing from you by linking images from your server. I don’t really object to people downloading an image they like from my site and posting it on their pages. I can live with that kind of theft. I do get upset when they use my server to display the image on THEIR site. That actually costs me money, particularly as The Skwib has gotten a little more popular and it comes up frequently in Google image searches.

Anyway, if you’ve got the same problem, follow the link above to find a simple solution. All you need is Notepad and ftp access to your server. The only problem is that it seems to disable viewing via Opera. I’d apologize for that, but people using Opera wouldn’t be able to see the apology anyway — they’ll just get a 412 error message.

Now, to return to silliness, here is a picture of a pig nuzzling an antelope:

Over at Run Jen Run, there is the Carnival of the Mundane, which doesn’t have a post from The Skwib, but which does have some disturbing memories of real carnivals from Jen. Enjoyable just for the that!

The Carnival of Comedy continues with its baffling ranking of humor.

Welcome to The Carnival of Satire, where all your cranky irony can be vented for free. Onto the posts:

We kick things off with Madeleine Begun Kane at Mad Kane’s Notables as she gives a new depth to the phrase, cold cash in her Ode To Rep. Jefferson.

Exmonkey asks the peristalsis question we all are thinking: Why are their so many diarrhoea medicine adverts? posted at Unite By Yucca. Do yourself a favor and read the comments.

Catnabbit! has a list every feline will want to memorize in: Top Ten Threats to National Security As Seen By Cats. Continue reading…

HAMILTON, Ontario (The Skwib) — The blogosphere is still reeling from the revelation that a blogger has been pondering things instead of musing about them.

“Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time musing, in fact, the tagline from my blog used to be ‘muted musings from Jeff’s tasty trumpet” — clever, eh? But . . . I don’t know, it just seemed like it was time to, you know, start pondering instead,” Jeffrey Trumpeter told The Skwib in an early morning phone interview.

Trumpeter runs “Assorted Cream Fillings (pudding-like ponderings from Jeffrey’s pastry pan),” a blog devoted to his interest in cats, Boston Cream Donuts, hockey, politics and humor he describes as either “quirky” or “explosive”.

“Yeah, I’m pretty happy with the change in direction. I think I’ll keep pondering on things for a while,” Trumpeter said.

According to experts, Trumpeter is one of many bloggers who are shifting their mode of cogitation.

“We have been tracking this development with new blogging software, ThoughtCounter, and we may be reaching the tipping point away from musing,” Leslie Flapkake, PhD candidate at a “leading university”, told The Skwib.

“Musings are still the most popular form of cogitation,” Flapkake said, “but you see people pondering, reflecting, brooding and even thinking.”

Pie chart courtesy of ThoughtCounter. More humor today at humor-blogs.com.

The Carnival over at Blog D’Ellison.

And if you feel a little science-y, then get thyself to the Tangled Bank, where there is tons of great reading.