HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
HEMP, n. A plant from whose delicate leaves is made substances that threatens the very fabric of reality, morality and social order.
We hope the wait has been worth it — we think it has, and we’d like to delay the next Carnival too. So it will be on August 10th. See you then!
Even though it’s mid-summer, we begin with some thoughts about school. Dana has some tongue-in-cheek-itis with Naming Our Homeschool, A Request for Assistance.
Continuing with an educational theme, Ahistoricality has found How to Write a CoHE “First Person” Essay: A Handy Multiple-Choice Guide, written by The Little Professor. In case anyone else is wondering, we’re pretty sure CoHE refers to the Chronicle of Higher Education.
Michael McCullough has a different take on the G8 in Putin gropes Condi Rice at G8 Summit!.
Lyrois has some food for thought during the bbq season in The Transition from Eating Mindlessly to Eating Consciously.
Dada alert! Darcy Xenophon has been to NY, and found it’s a Dada kind of town. Continue reading…
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
GRAMMAR, n. That what we be learning language by and also, writing. According to Post-Modern theory, totally pliable.
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint’s infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.
Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;
On every wind, indeed, that blows
I hear her yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And parliaments as well,
To bind the chains about her feet
And toll her knell.
And when the sovereign people cast
The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the pestilential blast
Her clamors swell.
For all to whom the power’s given
To sway or to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven
And give her Hell.
Blary O’Gary
FREEDOM, n. A state you enter when you take the red pill.
FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London — “Rubbish may be shot here.”
FLAG, n. A national symbol that can be flown, draped, hung and burned — usually, in inverse order to the liberty of the people living in said nation.
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free –
The subject engaging them was she.
“I think,” said one, “and my husband thinks
That she’s a prying, inquisitive minx!”
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
“I will not stay,” she said, with a pout,
“To hear my character lied about!”
–Gopete Sherany
EAVESDROP, v.i. Patriotic activity sanctioned by the government.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. An act of bigotry.
It has been a hundred years since Ambrose Bierce first published his satirical classic, so we thought for the summer season, we would update a few terms to reflect the current state of our language.
CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
This is a dog,
This is a cat.
This is a frog,
This is a rat.
Run, dog, mew, cat.
Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.
–Elevenson
CAT, n. A superior and beauteous creature; if you own one, you should take pictures of it on an hourly basis and post them on the web.
Welcome to the 42nd edition of The Carnival of Satire. Maybe it’s the heat, or maybe it’s the humidity, but for whatever reason, we seem to be less ironic than usual. So instead of running another edition next week, we’ll hold back until July 27th. Until then, check back at The Skwib for our continuing quest to update The Devil’s Dictionary.
Dr. Deborah Serani has discovered a new psychological disorder called Ringxiety.
Ahistoricality discovered the coverage of a news-conference you might want to know about, particularly if you are interested in the history of WWII, and Roosevelt: Rumsfeld arrives in Afghanistan; 30 Taliban killed (posted at The New Chainik Hocker.)
Kneon Transitt sees naked people in: Punxsutawney Phil. And nudists.. Continue reading…
It has been a hundred years since Ambrose Bierce first published his satirical classic (unfortunately as The Cynic’s Word Book, a title he did not choose), so we thought for the summer season, we would update a few terms to reflect the current state of our language.
BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
BEAUTY, n. A state that can be applied, surgically inserted, grafted or otherwise purchased, but which is nonetheless the most important human attribute.
Copies of Marvellous Hairy are available at the publisher's website direct or on Amazon.com
