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Archive | January, 2007

Professor Quippy: Scientific Astrology Blues

By on January 31, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyAs it turns out, the time of the year you were born in does have a major impact on your life. A number of studies show that when you were born affects your personality, your health, and will indicate your chance of developing a serious mental illness.

So, if you’re feeling a little schizo, then you are much more likely to be born in February, March or April. If you’re a man, and you enjoy your beer a bit too much, then the odds are higher you were born between September and November. (Also known as the “Alky Zone.”) Female and tending to anorexia? The research shows your birthday is more likely to fall in April-June.

According to this chart from the New Scientist, it looks like the only time that is safe for a birthday is August or January.

This is all making me feel like it’s time for a beer, and no, I wasn’t born the Alky Zone.

Ask General Kang: I’d like to protect my kids, so is there some kind of hermitically sealed biosphere that you could recommend?

By on January 30, 2007 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangDefinitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century.

It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy (or Girl) Environmental Protective Suit.

Dr. Ooo-ook was an orangutan; he was an indifferent (and orange) pediatrician, but a brilliant marketer. You have to understand that at the turn of the century on Neecknaw, the media was becoming much more pervasive and so we heard about every bad thing that happened — particularly to children, because it’s always news if something bad happens to children. Parental fear ran rampant.

Well, Dr. Ooo-ook knew an opportunity when he saw it, and invented his Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy Environmental Protective Suit (or Ook-Suit as they were known to the hoi-polloi). And even if it was largely a marketing ploy, the suit was well-made and lived up to its promise of “complete lifetime protection of your child from physical harm and interference from infancy until they finish college.”

Unfortunately, the suit did not protect the kids from the merciless teasing they got from the other children. Not that they remained traumatized for too long. As soon as most of the kids were old enough to get court orders letting them out of the Ook-Suits, they tended not to survive very long. (As it turns out, their immune systems were so weak, their bodies were unable to handle the myriad of infections that their Ook-Suits had kept at bay for their short, pathetic lives.)

Next time: One of my co-workers is up for the same promotion I’m hoping to get. Do you think I should “go negative” in my campaign early?

Grandfig: A Portrait of Chauncey Migswith-Piggerton

By on January 29, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chauncey Migswith-PiggertonOccupation: Professor, Arse-Elbow Differentiation, UBS

Marital Status: Married to the unfortunate Alison Migswith-Piggerton.

Offspring: Daughter, Jenny, 24. And the loathsome Peter, son, 27.

Hobbies: Angling, rat keeping, and touching “things.”

Nationality: English, though he claims to have a little Irish in him. Giggles insanely every time he says so.

From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.

Fiction Fridays: Any Port in a Storm

By on January 26, 2007 in Skwibby fiction

Any Port in a Storm

by Mark A. Rayner

It’s easy to pinpoint the exact moment that it all started to go wildly wrong — the emotional stuff I can’t put a finger on.

Linda and I were sitting in a little pub called The Small Bridge, aptly named for a nearby bridge that spans a cheerful stream as it runs into the Irish village of Tennyra. It is one of those atmospheric pubs you’ll find all over Ireland – ancient dark wooden panels, low ceilings with exposed beams seemingly cut out of the primal Irish forests, and sometimes, sawdust thrown on the floor to soak up spilled Guinness and mud – the kind of place that makes it hard to remember we live in the 21st century. The kind of place you’d never expect to see an American counter-insurgency team.

You sometimes hear about them on the newsvids; they are specialized troops, culled from the other elite American forces units and trained in the use of biomechanical war.

I don’t know what surprised me more: when they burst through the frosted glass of The Small Bridge or when they started decapitating anyone who looked vaguely like they might be tourists. ….read the rest of this story…>

The Carnival of Satire (#63)

By on January 25, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireWelcome to The Carnival of Satire at The Skwib. We have a fine selection of satire this week, ranging from social etiquette, to politics, to nose-picking. (Though some may argue those last two are the same thing.) We hope you enjoy all the gold-lassoed fun.

Birdman has advice for How to be The Most Annoying Moviegoer in the Theater.

Ahistoricality has discovered breaking news (in bold colors and delivered in speech bubbles): Wonder Woman Runs for President.

Madeleine Begun Kane has terse verse on the question of Jenna Bush, Author?

Craig Harper has a tale of spelunking gone bad in Please take your finger out of your nose. Spot the bonus irony in the top ten list at the end of Craig’s post. (It has to do with the number one faux pas, and the origins of the phrase, “faux pas.” This irony may not be immediately obvious if you haven’t ridden the Metro in Paris.)

Jake Danger at Lunatic Wisdom brings us futuristic psychological satire with Theistic Delusionary Disorder: Our Nation’s No. One Mental Health Problem.

Speaking of psychological satire, Jarod Kearney has a politically correct take on Sauron: Dark Lord of Mordor or Motivated “Go-Getter”?

Sean J. Vaughan helps bring us back to terra firm with this presentation at Reason and Rhyme: NASA Plans to Construct Earth Base. Continue Reading →