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Archive | February, 2007

Professor Quippy: It’s all about the size, mate

By on February 26, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyAs it turns out, when it comes to love tackle, size does matter — if you’re a rat.

Well hung rodents will be happy to learn that generous proportions in the uh, genital area, give them evolutionary advantages.

According to the New Scientist, University of Liverpool evolutionary biologist Steven Ramm “gathered published measurements of the length of the penis bone in four orders of mammals: rodents, primates, bats and carnivores.” He doesn’t know what advantage the well-endowed rats gained, but we do.

Street cred.

Sorry primates, the findings only apply to rodents and to a lesser extent carnivores. You’ll still have to have some skill with whatever you’ve got.

[story here]

Grandfig: Letters from the Apocalypse

By on February 25, 2007 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chester sabotages the oscarsChester had been fucked over by the Academy one too many times. First they hadn’t even nominated his brilliant short film, “Meat Puppets” and then they completely overlooked his feature-length avant-garde romantic comedy, “The Fetus Follies”, despite several endorsements from notable Hollywood luminaries such as Fatty Arbuckle and Wily Costello, the Norwegian star of “Confessions of a Vice Baron”. But today he would have his revenge.

The Academy was about to be traumatized as they had made Chester suffer. It was true that every one of the bodybuilders the Academy had hired to portray their precious Oscar on the awards night had stuffed their gold lame swimming trunks, but that was not Chester’s plan. He had left gelatin capsules in their shorts. By now, the Oscars’ body heat should have melted the containers to sufficiently weaken them, allowing the burrowing ticks (species name: ixodes hollywoodicus) to escape.

It would be a kick line for the ages.

From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Gutenberg Edition)

By on February 23, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Johannes Gutenberg's Lost PowerPoint SlidesJohannes Gutenberg presents “Ray of Light” (circa, 1439) –> slide 1

  • came to me one day while I was making mirrors for pilgrims to Aachen
  • what if it was possible to produce books faster
  • like Saul on road to Damascus
  • might have been because of the mercury fumes.

Gutenberg presents “seed money” (circa, 1448) –> slide 6

  • working model requires funding
  • asking you, my generous brother-in-law, for loan
  • also need a place to crash here in Mainz.

Gutenberg presents “proof of concept” (circa 1450) –> slide 12

Therefore, my new printing press requires:

  • movable type
  • process for making such type in quantity
  • oil-based ink
  • press similar to the screw olive and wine presses
  • more money to start production
  • design geeks to create typefaces.

Gutenberg proposes the 42-line Bible (circa, 1452) –> slide 2

  • Bibles are popular
  • Bibles are expensive
  • If we mass produce the text and have them illuminated separately, we’ll make a killing.

Wealthy moneylender Johann Fust presents case to Archbishop’s court (circa, 1455) –> slide 3

  • Gutenberg has embezzled funds
  • owes me 2000 guilders
  • I should get printing press.

Gutenberg presents “I invented mass communication and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” (circa, 1465) –> slide 5

  • very nice that Archbishop Adolf von Nassau recognized my contribution by naming me Hofmann (gentleman of the court)
  • stipend also means I won’t starve to death
  • 2000 liters of tax-free wine also takes away some of the sting.

Johannes Gutenberg began production of his 42-line Bible on February 23, 1455.

The Carnival of Satire (#67)

By on February 22, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

Carnival of SatireWe have a slender Carnival of Satire in terms of quantity this weeks, but it’s heavy with quality. We hope you enjoy:

Advertising parody can sometimes be an art in itself, and this French-language spot from Canal+ is great. Don’t worry, it’s got English subtitles. March of the Emperors.

Rickey Henderson has a satirical review of what’s going on at The Food Network.

Madeleine Begun Kane has political poetry: Why Does George Bush Hate Our Troops?

Marvin The Magnificent is worried about witches, but luckily the British government has help. He outlines his cunning plan in Using Passive Millimeter Wave Technology to Fight Evil.

bobbarama.com has Cosmo parody with Guys and their idiotsyncrasies.

And to finish up with more multimedia, The MoxArgon Group has a satirical video of a political nature: Joey & Hugo Sitting In A Tree!

Thanks to everyone for submitting their satire and making this another great carnival. If you submitted something, and it didn’t appear, it’s not that we don’t appreciate the submission, but we just felt it wasn’t right for the carnival. In fact, many submissions were quite funny, but not really satire. Defining that is a moving target, but you’ll find our take on it here, in an essay on Satire’s Ugly Sisters. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too.

Ask General Kang: People always get upset when I tell them what they should do in the bedroom. How do I get them to listen to God’s word?

By on February 21, 2007 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangWhat I like about most churches is they’re set up in a rigid hierarchical structure; this makes their believers more apt to follow a strong leader (like an interstellar overlord/advice columnist we all know). Aside from an obsession with bowing to divine authority, church-groups tend to be a little obsessed with our sex lives, particularly fundamentalist religions.

But you know this, and you’re trying to get the non-believers to do what the mythical creature you call God commands, right?

I’ve found the best way to enforce compliance is the threat of torture — preferably through music. Perhaps you could create some kind of “choir” or “ensemble” to regale the non-believers with dissonant and dreary chanting, and/or goopy organ music accompanied by mumbling parishioners.

Back on Neecknaw, I had a troop of Rhesus monkeys I’d trained in the art of deadly atonal whistling. If the dissidents would not bow to this excruciating torture, I’d send in the bonobos with uber-tubas and high-density plasma kazoos. Worked every time.

But I don’t want to torture non-church members, I want to make them part of the body of Christ!

Then promise them something — I don’t know, immortality … or how about immortality plus seventy-seven well-schooled virgins to slake their unfulfilled sexual depravities in the afterlife?

Next time: I’ve just been promoted and I’m worried about what to do. Should I choose plastic or paper?