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Archive | March, 2007

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Vincent van Gogh Edition)

By on March 30, 2007 in The Lost PowerPoints

Vincent van GoghVincent presents “shockingly bad hair” (circa 1880) –> slide 3

  • Yes, I have bad hair
  • Yes, it’s “shocking”
    Because of:

  • poverty
  • disillusionment
  • it’s a good way to ensure solitude.

Vincent presents “blank canvas” (circa 1884) –> slide 7

  • can’t be afraid of making mistakes
  • if you are –> stagnation, mediocrity
  • some painters –> mesmerized by blank canvas
  • got to get dirty, violate that canvas!

Vincent presents “on painting” (circa 1885) –> slide 1

  • true, my paintings don’t sell
  • people will recognize their value one day
  • I wish I could get a decent haircut though
  • and a little more absinthe.

Vincent on “sanity” (circa 1879-1890) –> slide 12

  • put heart and soul into painting
  • lost my mind in process.

Vincent on “sanity” (circa 1879-1890) –> slide 13

    “All -Night Cafe”:

  • expression of the idea that at a cafe:
  • one can ruin oneself
  • become crazy and criminal
  • one can drink absinthe.

Paul Gaugin presents “The Fellow Liked Yellow” (circa 1894) –> slide 3

  • he loved yellow, did good Vincent
  • gleams of sunlight warming his soul

Paul Gaugin presents “The Fellow Liked Yellow” (circa 1894) –> slide 4

  • in Arles, both of us insane
  • constantly at war over beautiful colors
  • I adored red
  • he, taking his yellowest brush, wrote on the suddenly purple wall:

I am of sound mind,
I am the Holy Ghost.

Vincent Van Gogh, b. March 30, 1853.

Napoleon Headsquisher

By on March 29, 2007 in But is it art?, Odd Science

Napoleon HeadsquisherAs it turns out, the Napoleon Complex may be wrong on a number of counts.

Being a member of the vertically challenged set, I was quite interested to see that researchers in the UK have discovered that short men are not extra-aggressive to make up for their diminutive height. According to the ‘Beeb’, the researchers had short and tall men duel with wooden sticks, and it was the tall boys who “flew off the handle” more easily.

Interesting work, but how big was the sample size?

Now, depending on what historian you believe, French or English, Napoleon was either of average height or he was short. According to measurements, he was either 5′ 6″ — an average height for the 19th century, confirming my suspicion that I was born in the wrong century — or if you believe the English bias, then he was 5′ 2″, which still qualifies as pipsqueak potentate proportions.

Whether short or really short, Napoleon certainly was aggressive, but at least he wasn’t into systematic dismembering like certain Ancient Peruvian aristocrats. New research shows that first century Peruvian overlords intimidated their lower classes by mutilating a select few.

“When a dominant class appears, [it] always seeks mechanisms to impose fear,” said Pedro Castro-Martinez of the Universitat Autonoma de Barcelona (UAB). “The power of an elite is exercised and maintained by means of force and fear. Mutilations can be part of those tactics to frighten.”

Even worse than the dismemberments? Certain children had their heads bound while their skulls were still pliable, a form of headsquishing that turning them into coneheads.

Now, it’s not a guillotine, but on the terrifying scale, I’d still have to give it at least a 5.2.

Maybe even a 5.6 if I was feeling generous.

Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?

By on March 28, 2007 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangAbsolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years.

Some of your Earth “experts” claim that 70 percent of new jobs will require a degree or diploma by 2016 — just think about that for a minute. Yep, these “experts” can predict what will happen nearly 10 years into the future!

But seriously, back on my home planet, Neecknaw, I was only willing to accept graduates of my Chimp Command College for any kind of officer position. That was for all the units, except for the Gorriloid (armed with broadswords and wearing Fezzes) Brigade; they just can’t respect an officer unless he can tear the arms off a Premendian Arachnid Beast bare-handed, and most college graduates just don’t have the upper body strength.

That said, perhaps there are some other job outcomes that may be more intriguing. Maybe you want to work in the trades — do you know a good plumber makes more money than a suicidally depressed dentist?

I happen to know the Planet Premendian has a roaring trade in prosthetics for Arachnid Beasts; and you may know, the Kang School of Interesting Trades offers a Arachnid Prosthetics Construction certificate for only $1000. We can send it to you as soon as we get your cheque.

Next time: I’m trapped in a Möbius Maze — where is the bathroom?

Professor Quippy: When the sun goes to “eleven”

By on March 26, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor Quippy and solar flareScientists have discovered that on September 1, 1859, a massive flare from the sun sent out gi-normous (really, really large) quantities of high-energy protons. When the magnetic storm struck Earth, Jeremy Bentfudder, a telegraph operator in Skeekonk, Massachusetts, was reasonably alarmed when a jet of flame issued from his apparatus, setting his expensive trousers on fire, and reputedly leading to the children’s taunt: “liar liar pants on fire, hang them up on a telegraph wire”. (Obviously changed to “telephone” wire, with the advent and ubiquity of the new technology.)

If we can put the etymology of derisive childhood sayings aside for the moment, the “superflare”, as scientists are calling it, also stripped a massive (almost gi-normous) amount of ozone from the Earth’s atmosphere. Researchers say it depleted the ozone by as much as five percent. (Currently, we have managed to deplete the ozone by about three percent, mostly because certain individuals continue to use spray-on deodorant — you know who you are!)

The scientists say that if a similar flare happened today, it would be “bad”. This is because our ozone layer is already a bit depressed — what with all the chlorofluorocarbon taunting we have done of it (you know who you are!) How do they define “bad”?

Well, one researcher said, “can you buy sun screen with an SPF of 150?”

New Scientist story here