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Archive | May, 2007

The Carnival of Satire (#75)

By on May 31, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireThis week’s article in Slate on the lolcat meme (here) starts us off, with a Rocky Horror lolcat spoof and a sonnet in lolcatese. And if you want more cute, cuddly, Intertubes crap, you’ll find it at this massive lolcat compendium.

Ahem.

Now for the serious satire. (Heh.)

The Richmond Democrat shows how history repeats itself in: The Richmond Democrat: History for Republicans: The Battle of the Teutoburg Forest.

Ahistoricality found this gem for us at historiblogography, in which Republican debaters race to the bottom. Warning: Some graphic content, including the phrase “skull-f#*k@ng”. See, now you have to go. But it is graphic. Our advice is to hang in there for the punch line.

The Epicurean Dealmaker has learned about a new synergistic movie: Destroy All Monsters. We excited!

Over at Conservathink you’ll be happy to learn that a Creationist museum to open in Kentucky; Flat Earth Society, Eugenicists United to follow suit.

Madeleine Begun Kane has a polimerick If This Is True, My Head May Explode posted at Mad Kane’s Political Madness. Continue Reading →

Professor Quippy: Sexual orientation predicts geographic orientation skills

By on May 28, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyIf you’re a comedian a standard (cliche) thing to poke fun of is how men don’t like to ask for directions; now researchers at the University of Warwick have discovered why men won’t get some orienteering aid.

No, it’s not that straight men are inflexible, arrogant, know-it-alls (or not just that), nor is it because they’re “making good time”. It’s because they’re better at reading maps.

Really. It’s not just a stereotype. According to the study, sexual orientation is a good predictor of how well you will be able to orient yourself with a map. Straight men are best at it, followed by gay men, then lesbians, and then straight women. (Presumably bi-sexuality has an impact too, but the report from the Telegraph does not say. Perhaps this leads to always wanting to find two routes to the same destination.)

But all you straight boys shouldn’t get too excited. When it comes to finding the map, straight women are much better at remembering where it was left.

Summer: my face is on fire!

By on May 25, 2007 in Monkeys!, Odd Science

My face is on fire!Once again, it is “my face is on fire” season, and I have prepared by kitting myself out with a solar radiation suit designed by a team of uber-monkeys from General Kang’s Space division.

Actually, it’s a tube of sun-cream with an SPF of 55. Now, that’s supposed to mean that it will allow you to stay out in the sun 55 times longer than it would normally take you to burn.

So, if you normally burn in 12 minutes, theoretically, this would enable you to stay out in the sun for 11 hours. But what if you burn in several seconds? Let’s take the average vampire. Exposure to the sun’s life-giving rays usually turn you into a pile of dust in about thirty-forty seconds (unless you’re in one of those movies where you burst into flaming chunks of charcoal almost immediately). Let’s go with 10 seconds just to be on the safe side. (There is no room for error when you’re a 400-year-old metrosexual with a serious hemoglobin Jones.)

That means the average vampire can slap on some SPF 55, and survive 9.167 minutes! Minutes! Plenty of time to rip someone’s throat out, drink some of their blood, mince around in your velvet cape, and still get into your coffin before you have to reapply.

So far, I’ve found that I get about two hours before I get the telltale, “my face is on fire!” feeling. Working backwards, this means I would burn in 2.18 minutes.

Better than the average vampire, but damn, I’m one pale bastard.

Photo by Leadbetter74.

Ask General Kang: Did you have anything to do with the orangutan in Taiwan?

By on May 24, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangOne orangutan goes on a rampage and you immediately assume I had something to do with it?

I’m offended.

I merely suggest to Professor Baktargula that he was being imprisoned by his captors in Taiwan at the behest of the mopeds. Who knew he was going to freak out and start lobbing Vespas at people dining out?

Next time: My face is on fire — is that normal?