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Archive | May, 2007

The Carnival of Satire (#74)

By on May 17, 2007 in Carnival of Satire

The Carnival of SatireWelcome to our 74th edition. The Carnival is weekly or bi-weekly, depending on the submissions, and the blood sugar levels of our pixel monkeys. (Except when it’s not.) Please enjoy responsibly:

Chainik Hocker has an excellent plan for how to vote for the next US President in: Democracy is survival of the craziest.

Ever wonder what a religion based on Dr. Seuss would sound like? Plebian at Daily Dollop has: Seussanetics (aka Seussentology).

Enidd has an enjoyably mashup of the joys of flying & the four yorkshire men. Luxury.

We’re not sure how to do this without the proper equipment, but Hazel has news of a cat who changed its Legal Name to the Sound of a Can Opener.

Al Nye has news that we hope the diet industry never gets its hands on: Jail Inmate Lost 1/3 Body Weight — Now Force Fed.

Madeleine Begun Kane has poetry parody about Bush’s Iraq Strategy.
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Professor Quippy: Aging hipsters beware

By on May 14, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyOkay, all you septuagenarians with a little ticker problem and a yen for getting down with your iPod — be warned, because those iTunes could mess with your pacemaker!

A recent study at the Thoracic and Cardiovascular Institute at Michigan State University shows that iPods, if held five centimeters from the chest for five to ten seconds, can interfere with implanted pacemakers.

So that pulse-pounding music is actually doing something to you, except making you feel the groove.

No word yet on if regular MP3 players cause the same effect.

New Scientist story here | Related story here

Professor Quippy: Study shows the obvious

By on May 10, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyAnother penetrating glance into the incredibly obvious: a new study shows that if a teenage watches too much TV, they are less likely graduate from high school.

Really? What a shocking revelation. I’m looking forward to the concurrent studies that show:

  • teenagers can be moody
  • the more bong hits, the lower the GPA
  • students who drink more than a fifth of JD a night are less likely to be the class Valedictorian.

Still, there is some disagreement about the study’s findings, and you can read the debate at the New Scientist.

Ask General Kang: What’s better — Lost or Heroes?

By on May 9, 2007 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangWell, both television programs are fatally flawed because none of the protagonists are über-chimps.

In fact, if you ignore Ben’s insect-like bug eyes, then really all of the characters are human beings, so I have to say neither is really very good.

Oh come on, just cause there’s no monkeys?

Apes! Chimps are higher primates, and even your own pathetic human scientists have recently proved that chimps are more evolved … but I digress.

Okay, I’d have to say that I prefer Lost, just because it’s more believable.

How’s that?

Humans with superpowers? It’s just not realistic. (I mean, unless you count self-deception as a superpower.)

Next time: If I discover a wormhole in the space-time continuum, is it possible that I could prevent myself from wearing that leather tie with a rugby shirt in high school? Cause, you know … there are pictures.

The Canadian Mint: Plans for World Domination

By on May 7, 2007 in Parody & Satire

Poppy QuarterLondon, Ontario (The Skwib) — They already have Canada in its shiny, Beaver-clad grip, but according to information obtained by The Skwib, the Canadian Mint is planning to take over the world.

“Yes, they plan to take over by 2010,” a source within the mint’s cabal said. “Don’t be fooled by the beautifully designed coins with pretty pictures of elk and polar bears. They are bent on world domination.”

Earlier this year, it seemed as though the US Department of Defence had cracked the mint’s code, when the sounded the alarm about the poppy-centered Canadian quarter. After a contractor found one of the suspicious coins in the cup holder of his rental car, and another found two coins in his pocket — the red poppy was clearly some kind of tracking nano-technology — an espionage alert was sounded. A careful examination of the coin did not reveal any nefarious design.

But sources within the Mint have told The Skwib that the coins were planted, just to divert attention from the lynch-pin of the mint’s takeover plans — the gigantic $1-million (CAN) coin.

“Yes, it weighs 100 kg and is the world’s largest-denomination coin,” our source said. “But that is not all. When enough collectors have purchased these coins, a signal will be sent from the mint’s underground bunker, and the coins will emit a massive EMP, destroying electronics worldwide.”

Why the EMP? To destroy the world’s reliance on credit and debit cards, and any form of electronic transfer of funds.

“Oh, and those poppy-quarters? By 2010 the polymer coating will have come off them and released the neuro-transmitters into the air,” the source said.

“It’s a mind-control drug, forcing you to buy coin sets for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and … oh, I can’t go on, it’s just too horrible.”