The Carnival of the Insanities has broken out of the asylum!
The Friday Ark. Moo!
Archive for September, 2007
A man with three buttocks, a nose pouch and a compendium of 150 Monty Python sketches.
I know it’s practically impossible, but if you had to pick a favourite, what would it be? Okay, how about picking between travel agent (silly bunt), Sam Peckinpah’s “Tennis Anyone”, and of course, The Ministry of Silly Walks.
And now, The Nose Pouch.
Xerxes I presents “Punish that body of water!” –> slide 2 (circa 483 BC)
- building paper bridge over Hellespont
- storm destroyed it
- 300 lashes for the water
- and throw in some shackles
- that will sort it out!
Xerxes I presents “No Democracy on My Watch” –> slide 7 (circa 480 BC)
- Greeks supported revolt of other Greek cities in Ionia
- they want … shudder … “democracy”
- 2-million man army will sort it out!
Themistocles presents “Wall of Wood” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)
- seriously, we can’t retreat behind isthmus of Corinth
- the Oracle says Greece will be saved by wall of wood
- ships, not an actual wall
- nothing to do with superior Greek phalli, either, pervs!
A Greek a slave named Sicinnus presents “Greeks are retreating” –> slide 2 (circa 480 BC)
- mighty Xerxes, the Greek navy is retreating
- you could catch them from behind in the night
- you would like that, wouldn’t you, you naughty potentate?
Xerxes I presents “Catch them in the night” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)
- I believe this Greek slave!
- Egyptian squadron will cut off their escape
- the rest of us will follow their fleet
- all night, exhausting the men if we have to
- perhaps we can torture the water while we go!
Xerxes I presents “Bugger” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)
- my fleet unable to use its superior numbers
- Greeks tricked us into fighting in narrow straight
- damn you my old nemesis, water!
Aeschylus presents “Now, we start Western Civilization” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)
- Persians will retreat
- experiment in democracy, individualistic society will continue
- now I can follow my dream of writing great plays
- yes, they will be dark and moody
- chicks dig that
- seriously, I like chicks.
Note: The Battle of Salamis was fought sometime in late September, 480 BC, and many historians consider it the most important battle in human history. If the Persians had won, which they should have, given their vastly superior numbers, Western history would have looked very different indeed. There is no word on if Aeschylus scored as many chicks as he hoped, though no doubt Agamemnon made him popular with a certain kind of (scary) Athenian matron.
This segment about Mexican immigration in Canada is hilarious. The Daily Show does a great job spoofing Canada.
Second Anniversary Edition
Well, we’ve been doing this satire thing for two years officially, and to celebrate, we’ve got a wonderful collection of satire from some regular contributors and some new faces. We hope you enjoy the full frontal irony.
Grantmx from Maize Break (Africa’s Most Outstanding, ie. satirical, Source for News and Information) has a heartwarming story about how some Sudanese Women Welcomed Female US Prison Inmates into their lives.
Ravi Vora has an excellent (Marvel-heavy) collection of Comic Book Characters and Their Real Life Enemies.
We found this video of Conan O’Brien touring Industrial Light and Magic to be hilarious, mostly for his impersonation of C3PO drunk.
Unfortunately, mental_floss rejected this submission from Matt Robison, but their loss is our gain: 5 Tips: How to Read the Bible the RIGHT Way – MY Way.
Madeleine Begun Kane finds a use for all that annoying spam: turning it into Haiku. I especially liked:
Large screen DVD.
Is your husband performing?
Big trading alert.
Did we mention this was our second anniversary? We even managed to find a corporate sponsor, Taco Bell, who wanted us to pitch their new E-Colita (You’ll want to check out more of Vinchen’s environmental art here.)
We choose to believe that The Free Geek’s Ultimate Guide to Freeloading is satire. Of course, there was no trackback option at this blog, so maybe they’re serious.
Rickey Henderson has another series of Recommendations, in which he reminds us of Ned Flanders’ cider-spotting prowess: “If it’s clear and yella’, you’ve got juice there, fella. If it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town!”.
The Wrestling Professor discovered that Sean Sherk Tested Positive for Baby Food. After reading the story, we were somewhat disappointed that it was actual baby food, not food made out of babies. The Ultimate Fighting Championship is definitely losing its edge.
Continue reading…
Damnit Jim, I’m an Interstellar Warlord not a Doctor, so I don’t “treat” visiting dignitaries at all. Unless you mean treat in the sense of, “you’ll love these chilled hominid brains, it’s a real treat.”
Ew. No, I mean, what kind of protocol do you follow?
It depends quite a bit on my diplomatic goals. If I want something from them, then I don’t put them in the burrowing gastro-intestinal worm wing of our Foreign Secretary’s guest quarters (unless they like that kind of thing). And if I’m in some kind of negotiation, then it will depend a little on our relative power positions. For example:
They have an armada of interstellar warships, plasma guns charged and surrounding the planet, then I install them in a nice hotel: room service, free mini bar, and all the massages they can handle from Buk-buk, the Talented Orangutan.
If they don’t have an armada, then I usually just enslave the diplomatic party and send them to the Chalkboard Mines on Screechy XII (known on my home planet as the “alien’s tooth-gnashing graveyard.)
You did know I was an Interstellar Overlord, right? Generally speaking, we don’t go for the whole “negotiation” thing. Unless there is chilled hominid brains involved, then maybe…
Next time: I notice you’re wearing a uniform. Do the other apes on your planet wear clothes, and in particular, pants?
From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations
And lo, there will be a place in the world where the mothers and daughters of Men Wearing Orange shall be tempted by Weapons.
And a time will come that they shall no longer resist the Call of the Weapons, for they shall be Pink. And Adorable. And Too Cute To Be Believed.
And the daughters and mothers of the Men Wearing Orange shall purchase of the weapons and they shall Revel in the Bolt-Action Fury and they shall go unto the forest and hunt of the deer and the bear and the occasional Husband.
Newsy Proof: Pretty powerful in pink
Okay, all you authors of stories — whether fictional or not — The Skwib will be hosting the Storyblogging Carnival here on Monday.
If you’d like to participate, send me:
- Blog Name
- Blog URL
- Title of Your Submission
- Submission URL
- Your Name (optional)
- Rating (G, PG, R) (optional)
- Word Count
- Blurb describing the story — a sentence is enough!
Email me by noon Sunday.
You can learn more about the carnival here, at Back of the Envelope.
Another edition of Carnivalesque (the ancient and medieval edition) is available at Practica, including such categories as “Viking silliness” and this useful, but badly misnamed Middle Ages Sex Flow Chart, as it has little to do with middle age (marriage, perhaps) and the sex does not seem to be “flowing” at all. (Medieval Sex Allowance Diagram might be more accurate, though we suspect most fundamentalist religions work with the same basic principles.)
Also, there is kitty related material about witches and Vikings. You’ll find it all at Practica.
The dreaded velociraptor is looking less and less like a Spielbergian nightmare, and more like something you could safely serve with cranberries.
New research into the fossilized forearm discovered in Mongolia in 1998 by The American Museum of Natural History and the Field Museum of Natural History shows that the velociraptor probably had feathers. The arm has small bumps that in modern birds are called “quill knobs.” (Stop giggling.)
Quill knobs are not geeky writers (though it would be a great way to describe some of us), but are, according to the Beeb:
… the locations where secondary feathers, the flight or wing feathers, are anchored to the bone with ligaments.
Despite what we saw in Jurassic Park, the velociraptor was much smaller, though probably still a fearsome predator. However, it was more like the size of a turkey than a human being.
Though it was the size of our modern day turkey, scientists are still trying to solve the mystery of why it tasted like chicken.
