All you long-haired hippy with greasy locks are a step ahead of the well-coifed when it comes to ozone pollution.

According to a new study by Lakshmi Pandrangi and Glenn Morrison from the University of Missouri in Rolla, on average, unwashed hair absorbed seven times the amount of ozone that washed hair did. Ground-level ozone causes breathing problems that can even affect your lifespan. The scientists say there is something about the hair oil that reacts with the ozone.

Of course, the researchers suggest a better solution is to reduce the amount of ozone pollution — especially indoors. What I want to know is what happens if you leave your bald pate unblemished by the wash cloth.

No word yet on what complicating effect doobie-smoke may have on the protective abilities of disgusting dreads.

Details about this barbershop biology are at The New Scientist, and other, more suspect experiments are taking place here.

It may be the length of the winter speaking, but I for one welcome our new alien overlords. Klaatu barada nikto! Welcome also, to this week’s interstellar Carnival of Satire:

Daniel Brenton has an exclusive statement from John Hordure, the director of the newly-formed League for Unified Non-cooperation with Exopolitical Enterprises (LUNEE), who reveals once and for all Why the Aliens Really Don’t Land. Bob Saget, pay attention.

What’s more baffling than UFO sightings? sweetpea has the answer: David Caruso’s “acting” ability.

Madeleine Begun Kane suggests to Dear Ralph: Go Away!. (Psst. Ralph is an alien.)

Offersave is also a poet, and this gem perfectly explains a religious crisis we’ve experienced too: I’d Like To Be A Buddhist .

It’s a well-known fact that aliens call us “monkeys”. Mind Scalpel has some interesting simian research to share, and then Amidst The Post-Valentine’s Day Rubble, Issues A Call To All Men.

Greg Merrick produces the miraculous news of an Ancient Race of Christian Man Discovered — Evolution Debunked?

Sammy Benoit says that MSNBC’s Obama/Osama Screw-up Was an Easy Mistake to Make.

If only they’d had PS3 before Iraq. Matt Howard learns that Bush and Advisors Play Team Fortress 2, Iraq War Called Off.

Speaking of Bush, O’rene Ashley has advice on How to Get Into An Ivy League School, yet did not mention anything about being born into the right family.

Chris Carter reprints a Times article Mourning A Tragic Loss.

Finally, Daniel Brenton has a sad obituary about Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

And that’s it for this extra-terrestrial edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. To the kind-hearted stranger who sent us even more soft-core Japanese porn videos, thank you, we would only share them if they’re satirical. (See “It’s all about the subtext, baby” below). What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too. There are more aliens here.

Technorati tags:
carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour, ufo.

Before we can examine its intricate subtext, I’m afraid you’ll have to go watch this video:

Aside from the horn-dog insanity of this method of English instruction, it sends very mixed messages. At first, it seems as though one might be learning proper etiquette for business meetings held on the golf course:

• “Lovely golf weather today.”
• “It is in the middle of the fair way.”
• “Would you like something cold to drink?”

Though when you learn the next phrase, you think, hmm, maybe not:

• “What’s the fastest way to the theatre?”

Then you discover the real story, when you figure out how to say:

• “Thanks for inviting me tonight.”

Ah-ha!

This is confirmed when the dance for:

• “You have a wonderful place”

is danced in all its suggestive majesty.

Only to be dashed by the frenetic, furtive:

• “I’m afraid that I must be going.”

Yep, those Dancing Sirens of Engrish are not so easy. Even if they are in distress:

If YOU are now in distress you may want to call for some humor help. HT to OMB for these vids.

When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call “soylent green”) and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.

To her horror, she was presented with tofu.

More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.

A couple of carnivals we participated in this past weekend:

The always wacky Carnival of the Insanities and the forever furry Friday Ark.

Anaxagoras of Ionia presents “Hot metal, man” (circa 450 BC) –>slide 6

• sun is not Helios riding a chariot in the sky
• it is a blazing ball of metal
• hot metal, man, hot metal
• hey, it makes as much sense!

Diagoras the Atheist presents “Miracle, my ass” (circa 415 BC) –> slide 3

• so this wooden statue prevented ship from sinking?
• throw it (Herakles) on fire
• if it can perform miracles, then it should have no problem
• otherwise, his thirteenth labour shall be to boil my turnips!

Democritus presents “Ungulate theory” (circa 400 BC) –> slide two

• all things made of atoma (atoms)
• soul is just an exceedingly fine and spherical kind of atom
• or perhaps superstition
• in any case, it’s not that different from a goat.

Socrates presents “Method to my madness” (circa 399 BC) –> last slide

• you have accused me of atheos (refusing to acknowledge the state gods) and corrupting the youth of Athens
• it’s a fair cop
• you should know I’ve been inspired by divine voice, Daemon
• also, enjoy a nice pint of hemlock.

Epicurus presents “It’s all good — not God — baby” (circa 300 BC) –>slide 12

• if gods exist (if!) then they’re not interested in humans
• death is the end of body and soul (if it exists)
• not to be feared
• what is good is pleasure, baby, but not too much pleasure
• why I let women into my philosophy school.

More about the History of Atheism here [wiki] and more ungodly humor here. The disembodied floating head of Epicurus (who rocked) is based on a photo by dithie.

My dog, Calypso, and I braved the twenty-below temperatures last night so that we could enjoy the total lunar eclipse. (Actually, the dog was more interested in the trash left out for garbage pickup the next morning, but she was into the spirit of a long walk/refuse buffet.)

First of all, this was a total lunar penumbral eclipse. Not one of your wussy partial eclipses. (You know it’s a total, full-on, sexy eclipse when the moon enters the earth’s penumbral shadow — it’s so dirty.)

As I watched the bright moon turn a kind of weird rusty-orange color, Calypso found a chicken bone. After a short fight in which we both growled excessively, she was relieved of said morsel. I looked up, and what could I see, but two bright stars, Regulus and the planet Saturn, who were also kind of turned on by earth’s penumbral shadow.

It was getting freaky!

Then I noticed something strange happening in the south — was some weirdo trying to shine a spotlight on the moon? No a whole bunch of spotlights. Why were they changing? Why so green-looking? Then it was obvious what was happening, it was the northern lights. And there they were off to the east, and north as well.

Either that or the peyote was kicking in.

A spectacular time-lapse video of polar aurora:

Similar to polar aurora, humor-blogs.com is produced by the collision of charged particles from the humor-sphere with Earth’s blogo-sphere. Photo Credit: Rhondle. More on auroras and last night’s lunar eclipse [wiki] You can also watch 13 more time-lapse wonders at Fogonazos.

A giant fossil found in Madagascar has caused tension in scientific circles. Before its discovery, scientists believed that Madagascar and South America lost their land connection about 120 million years ago. The ginormous frog fossil suggests is was more like 80 million years ago.

Why is this 10-pound bruiser a turd in the continental-drift punchbowl?

Well, not only was it a beach-ball sized frog with a giant Pac-man-like maw lined with teeth, armor, an aggressive attitude and laser beams strapped to its frickin’ head, its claws were clutching a tiny sign that said, “Brazil or Bust”. (Okay, I made most of that up. Seriously, how do they know anything this from a fossil? Extrapolation from similar species in South America, as seen in the pic to the right.)

Its existence in Madagascar 80 million years ago suggests that the island was connected to South America, and the Indian subcontinent well into the Cretaceous period. (Known for its large, lawyer-eating lizards.)

Of course, that’s what the paleobiogeographical scientists say. The paleogeographical people say they’re making it all up.

By the way, the name of the frog is Beelzebufo short for “in your face paleogeographers, boo-ya!” (Would you believe Beelzebub Bullfrog.) No word yet if it had the power to hypnotize it’s prey, which may have included young (tasty) dinosaurs.

Other hellish amphibians can be found here. More about this story at the New Scientist. Artist: Luci Betti-Nash.

Was that a smile on Jeremy’s face, or was the photographer from Interstellar Geographic just anthropomorphizing?

He couldn’t even say why he’d named it Jeremy. It just seemed right. Could the simian before him actually feel the way that he did, think philosophical thoughts? Did the Hyper-Baboon have hopes, dreams? Was it possible that the creature even had a conception of time and space?

Then the other monkey triggered the landmine; pieces of baboon flesh scattered in all directions.

Jeremy grinned, walked up to the photographer and said: “Actually, I prefer Jerome, and that fucker was sleeping with my wife.”

You will find more monkey madness at the Carnival of the Insanities. And if baboonish humor is your thing, then check out humor-blogs.com. Photo credit: Broma.

Yeah, you know it’s pure and good. Just like humor-blogs.com. Not like that evil Flavor Aid.