Godless folk gather on a Sunday.

Below, enjoy the theme song to Quincy [wiki] with words. Though, it’s not as good as Mike McCormick’s (of The Arrogant Worms): “It’s Sam, the Guy from Quincy!”

These folks are also morbid.

Welcome to an impolite and somewhat freakish edition of The Carnival of Satire, where we discuss politics, religion, and improbable sexual positions. But first, we start with some advice for the evil masterminds of the world:

General Kang will be sure to enjoy Destructo’s Tips for Evil Staff Meetings.

Jeremy H has ‘hit’ on some important news: God Says Yes to Drugs.

Cato presents us with this feline hagiography: San Catio de Calistoga.

It’s a shame when the news cycle grinds on before we can catch all the satiric poetry from Madeleine Begun Kane. Still, her Ode To Eliot Spitzer is not to be missed.

Joe Qelqoth has been auditioning a number of Sexual Advice Columnists on the topic of Love and Marriage.

Suldog presents the death-related, political, sporty WDUH News.

Jkrane82 has been digging into the Presidential archives, and reveals Five “Lost” Presidential Emails Unearthed.

Huck Finn presents this flow chart to explain How Money Is Sucked Out of the U.S.

Mully has a useful guide to NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Jeremy Zongker presents How Banks Calculate Your Transactions.

Sammy Benoit presents Hamas, Cease Fires and Bill Cosby.

Our exception for this week is: Gary Vasey’s rant: Isn’t it Fun to be British?.

And that’s it for this edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit. Thanks to Azrainman for his disturbing and hilarious Cyclops frog.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour.

The US Army and US Navy have been playing with ray guns!

In a recently declassified document, the American Department of Defense (DoD) reveals some of the “non-lethal” beam weapons they’ve been investigating.

They include a weapon that projects sounds into your head (potentially destroying your delicate ear bits in the process) they’ve dubbed the “Schitzo Ray”. This weapon is based on the Frey effect, and uses microwaves, so the schizoid’s traditional mode of protection — the aluminum foil hat — will not be helpful. In fact just the opposite.

Speaking of heating things up, they’ve got another microwave weapon that warms your body. It has three settings: bag-sweatingly hot, jungle fever, and cook. This one will be especially useful for the cannibal tribes in the coming economic apocalypse.

But my favourite has to be the Epilepsilazer™, which uses electromagnetic pulses to cause epilepsy-like seizures. It’s based on electro-magnetic pulses, so not only does it cause excessive mouth-foaming, it also completely wrecks a victim’s annoying Bluetooth thingy sticking out of his or her ear.

Given the latter results, it’s somewhat bad news that the DoD (pronounced dude) has no plans to make any of these delightful “non-lethal” weapons commercially available soon.

More details about the Epilepsilazer can be found at the New Scientist, or you can go straight to the source (PDF). Other mouth-foamers and schitzos here.

Readers who’ve only discovered The Skwib in the past couple of years may have missed the series we’ve done on the Beijing Olympic Mascots, and a number of demonstration sports planned for Beijing this summer.

As we can see from the news, the Chinese government has really started training hard for the second sport:

Administrative Detention Triathlon

Tibetan Dissident Biathlon

50-Meter Land Requisition Event

Organ Relay

Hu Flung Falongong

Forced Sterilization Footy

Press Clubbing

Amnesty International has more (less satirical) information on human rights in China and the Beijing Olympics. This group of humor athletes is training hard for the new demonstration sport: “causing beverage to shoot through the nose”.

If you’re looking for a little afternoon reading, why not check out the always-entertaining Carnival of the Insanities?

Or perhaps you are feeling sluggish and you need gratuitous amounts of energy. Forget Brawndo, what you need is PowerThirst:

Humor-blogs.com has the power of 400 screaming babies.

Ever since he’d started making the cave paintings, Thag had noticed that the women in the Thunka Grunka clan had been looking at him differently.

Perhaps it was his position as the leader of the hunting party, but he thought it had more to do with his artwork.

Whatever the case, he was gettin’ some on a regular basis.

Nominally, he was still mated to Onga, but she had all but deserted him for that scrotum-with-eyes shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. In fact, it had been Onga’s desertion, and his ensuing depression, which had spurred Thag into creating more artwork for the cave.

The younger unmated women of the clan seemed to like his deft representations of the animals they hunted, particularly Vunga, the half-daughter of the Shaman.

“It looks so spiritual,” Vunga would say whenever he completed a painting.

“Thag suffer for art,” he confided, looking pained, unsure, filled with angst.

“Oh, poor Thag,” Vunga would say, and then take him by the hand so that they could go for a “walk” in the forest.

On such occasions, Thag could swear he could hear the sound of Weasel’s teeth grinding from his shaman’s perch outside the cave.

“Thag do art for Vunga tomorrow,” he would promise as they walked into the shaded trees, her hips swaying like the boughs in the breeze.

You can discover more about Sex and the single artist here. Other sexy beasts here.

Welcome to the Carnival of Satire, where you can momentarily forget your worries about the impending meltdown of the US economy. (Stop smirking all you Albertans!)

Rickey Henderson is not only a great baseball player, but he’s financial wizard. Learn how to rise above the economic collapse with Rickey’s Stock Market Tips.

Brent Diggs has an important note about What The Promised Recession Means To You As An American. Our apologies to all the non-American readers. (May or may not include Canadians.)

Gameguy has discovered The Problem with Talking Animals. Yes, we were also surprised there was only one problem.

Elisson butts into the carnival once again with a real cracker of a story: READER.

Ben courts decranialization danger with this wonderful Potential Death Metal Album Title.

There is more information about President Bush’s package in this post by Ellis Reed than you will probably care to know: Bush’s Most Eloquent Press Conference.

Still on the political scene, Robbie Mitchell takes us deep into the Senate (ew) with this chat: what happens in estonia… “You have been invited to a conference chat with Raising_McCain and thatshillaryous1026. Do you accept? y.

O’rene Ashley continues the excellent series on How to Get Into An Ivy League School (Part 2).

Greg Merrick presents Not Only Does My Son Have A Learning Disability, He’s A Complete Idiot.

Gus presents Another irsmind.com film: “Any Given Tax Season”.

And once again, we’ll finish up with the only non-satire pick of the Carnival: Edith presents this useful information about the Three Golden Rule of Presentation by Guy Kawasaki (in YouTube video form.) Loathers and users of PowerPoint may find it especially entertaining.

And that’s it for this recession-proof edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit. Thanks to Erinsikorskystwart for the picture of the one-quarter-eaten Recession Special at Gray’s Papaya. ($3.50 US for two dogs and a drink.)

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor.

Rickey has an overwhelming meme that must be obeyed:

• look up 15 of your favorite movies on IMDB
• take a quote from each and post them for your readership to properly identify
• as your movie savvy readers correctly identify the quotes’ cinematic origins in the comments section below, they shall be crossed out on the list (the quotes, not the readers)
• bonus points (in the form of a link to your site) if you can guess the speaker too.

Okay, here goes. Some are ridiculously easy, but I think I have a few curves in there too:

1. Mongo only pawn… in game of life. Blazing Saddles (Mongo)Ellison
2. Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you? Star Wars (original, Han Solo) Ellison
3. We’re all doomed, you know. The whole, silly, drunken, pathetic lot of us. Doomed by the air we’re about to breathe.
4. I’m Brian and so’s my wife!
5. And, you know, the thing about a shark… he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. Jaws (Quint) Ellison
6. Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures! H. King
7. Oh, and remember: next Friday… is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. Office Space Leigh
8. The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long – and you have burned so very, very brightly, Roy. Bladerunner Ellison
9. Care for a little necrophilia? Hmmm?
10. The private life is dead – for a man with any manhood.
11. Apology accepted, Captain Needa.
12. Young men make wars, and the virtues of war are the virtues of young men: courage, and hope for the future. Then old men make the peace, and the vices of peace are the vices of old men: mistrust and caution.
13. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room. Dr. Strangelove (President Merkin Muffley) Ellison
14. The days of our kind are numberèd. The one God comes to drive out the many gods. The spirits of wood and stream grow silent. It’s the way of things. Yes… it’s a time for men, and their ways. Excalibur (Merlin) Vickster
15. Nazis. I hate these guys. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (Indy)Alexandra

Okay, I hereby tag the following unfortunates with this bad boy: Aloysius, Archer, Bagel, Ellison & Richmond. If you would like to be tagged, let me know and I’ll add you to the list. Or you could just play.

Now, if that wasn’t enough excitement, you can also check out the Carnival of the Insanities or last week’s The Friday Ark.

Still not satisfied. Here is a video about a kickass drink:

The excellent photo is by margolove. And these guys need to stop drinking so much Brawndo.

I somehow turned them off, and for that, my abject apologies. Feel free to berate me below.

I’m still recovering from the latest leap forward, so I may be cranky, but the evidence is mounting that daylight savings time (DST) is a BAD IDEA.

In two studies, the numbers show that traffic accidents increase by about seven percent the days following the jump and industrial accidents increase by about six percent.

According to the lead researcher of one of the studies, Stanley Coren, the problem is sleep deprivation. People are chronically sleep deprived in North America, the sleep expert says. Take away an extra hour and they start falling into periods of “micro-sleep.”

“Micro-sleep” lasts between 10 seconds and a minute, and causes a total loss of bodily function. Actually, you lose track of the time-space continuum, which is fine if you’re sitting in my first-year undergraduate lecture on the nature of the space-time continuum, but possibly lethal if you’re operating a chainsaw, minigun, or something moving, such as a car.

I know what you’re thinking. DST saves energy, right? Wrong. According to a 2006 California study, DST actually cost an extra $8.6-million (U.S.) in electricity.

Not to mention the cost of all the lawsuits in chainsaw-related injury claims.

More information in The Mother of All Mondays. You’ll discover a coterie of chainsaw enthusiasts here.