Wow, this is a tough one. First of all, I don’t put anything on my feet, so I’m not really sure what this “footwear” concept is all about. (Don’t be fooled by my picture, those boots were added with Photoshop.)

However, I do know a little something about the human female, from hours of observation and from my own (ahem) extensive experience with females of my own species.

They’re probably trying to figure out how much money you make. Human females seem to be primarily concerned with money and power rather than attractiveness, so they are probably not making an aesthetic judgment on your shoes. That’s what this “footwear” is called, right, shoes?

My advice would be to wear something made out of solid gold or platinum or perhaps something studded with diamonds and other gems. The shinier and gaudier the better. Don’t leave any room for her make a mistake. Ensure that she knows you are loaded.

Or you could go with the “shock and awe” option and purchase some jet-propelled clogs armed with tactical nukes (and it probably wouldn’t hurt if they were studded with jewels and a few rotating knives).

Or, it might be a sex thing. Get extra large shoes, just in case that’s it.

And for Klugnar’s sake, dump the Jesus boots!

Next time: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with some kind of alien space-bimbo. What can I do to win him back?

Humor-blogs is hardly an alien space-bimbo, though we’re not sure about Alltop yet. Neither wear shoes.

Congratulations to Madeleine Begun Kane for being the ONLY PERSON to send someone else’s satire to this 100th edition. And it’s a great piece, by Rickey Henderson. Strap on your dusty fedora and get ready to whip up some laughter as you peruse: A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, to Indiana Jones .

And while you’re wiping the tears out of your eyes, check out Mad’s latest satirical limerick: George Who???.

Dem reports on the more sober Today’s the Day the Teddybears Have Their Annual Company-Wide Meeting.

Chris Cameron believes the Beatles Were Just Another Hair Band. Get ready for the hate email Chris.

C. Fraser has some Canadian satire in his continuing series on Canadian Mystery: What is Burried on Oak Island?.

El Burro is amused by the CBS Purchase of Bleeding-Edge Company CNET. Is color tele-vision to follow?.

Brent Diggs has learned why so many web designers are slightly mad as he explores The Harsh Demands of Internet Explorer.

The Whited Sepulchre presents Hillary On The Night Shift .

Thad Guy presents New Zealand & The Curse of Natural Resources

Renal Failure presents Forty ounces of denounce

And in the not satire, but it’s included category, O. Daille Nation-Ashley presents Legal Thriller Style Scam Classic: The Enron Implosion O.Daille also plays well with others, and submitted someone else’s post. You can find an amusing article written by this generous soul about the paucity of gruntled lawyers here.

And that’s it for the 100th edition. A copy of The Amadeus Net will be on the way to Mad and O.Daille for being good sports. We’ll be back to the usual..ish format in two weeks with the 101st edition. Still wondering what satire is? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here and here if you explore a bit. A special thanks to macieklew for his hung-out-to-dry teddy bear pic.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour.

1. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
2. You do not talk about baboon-washing club.
3. If someone says “stop,” goes limp, or gets infected by a new virulent strain of baboon-born ebola, the baboon-wash is over.
4. Only two guys to a baboon.
5. One baboon at a time.
6. No shirts, no shoes, no tetanus shots.
7. Baboon-washes go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first night at baboon-washing club, you have to wash a baboon.

Inspired by:Fight Club, Alltop and all the Baboons at Humor-blogs.com.

I think I may have seen this many months ago, but it has taken me ’till now to pass it along. I also love xkcd’s Tolkienesque take on the Web.

And somewhere in the Blogipeligo, you will find the Carnival of the Insanities and the Carnival of the Godless.

Many historians consider Ancient Greece to be a seminal culture, from which the foundation of Western Civilization sprung. A small group of non-conformists believe that seminal culture is something that should only be used during in vitro fertilization. Humor bloggers just giggle at the mention of the word “seminal”.

In any case, if you were alive in the years from 500 BC to about 146 BC, then Greece was the place to be. You also would have been fabulously old, and probably incapable of enjoying Greece’s many fine pastimes, such as philosophy, drama, hanging with your hoplite buddies, or a variety of activities with olives. (Some of them illegal nowadays.)

This time period is often broken up in to two periods, the Classical, and the Soft-Rock period (also known as the Hellenistic period).

Classical Greece

Prior to this time period, the Greek city-state had developed; these city-states were ruled by kings, tyrants and oligarchies. An oligarchy was a kind of large-headed pirate that owned land, slaves and enormous bronze helmets. The most powerful oligarchy was in Sparta, which was renowned for its powerful warriors, cruel child-rearing practices, and a susceptibility to sore necks. While the Spartans were at the masseuse, the city of Athens developed a new method of ruling, which they called democracy (though only a small number of male citizens were allowed to vote, no matter how big their heads were.)

These city-states existed not only in Greece itself, but in Asia Minor, or what is now the Aegean coast of Turkey. This area was called Ionia, and the Persian Emperor, Darius the Great, thought it would be nice to own, so he did. (According to Darius’ younger brother, Whinius, he always taking things without asking.) When the Ionian Greeks rebelled, the Greek Greeks (in Athens and a few other cities in Greece) supported them. Then Darius thought it would be nice to own Greece too.

Darius wasn’t all bad — he was one of the few ancient rulers to ban slavery, but this didn’t help him invade Greece. The Persians landed their fleet at a place called Marathon, which is about 25 miles from Athens. Knowing the large-headed pirates of Sparta were excellent soldiers, the Athenians sent a runner to ask for their help, a round-trip jog of nearly 300 miles, which the messenger, a long-legged freak of nature named Pheidippides did in three days. We celebrate this magnificent feat of athletics by strapping on running shoes (often named after the Greek Goddess of Victory, Nike), and clogging the streets of Boston during their annual short constitutional run:

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop like to do “things” with olives.

LONDON, Ontario (London Free Mess) — Scientists from around the world have descended upon the quiet suburban city of London, Ontario (Canada) to try and understand the revolutionary theories of a bookstore clerk.

None of his neighbors ever guessed that Les Ensible, who works for a used bookstore, was a genius.

“We always just thought Bart was a normal guy, like the rest of us, but then he came up with this idea,” Jennifer Dooley, Ensible’s somewhat mannish next-door neighbor told The Free Mess.

“It’s totally changed everything. I mean, our lives are completely different now that Les has solved the energy crisis for us,” she said.

Ensible, who normally drives a Honda SUV to work, has started riding his bicycle instead.

“It saves a lot of gas. Now I only take the car when I’m going out of town, or getting a lot of groceries or something,” Ensible explained to The Free Mess. “Otherwise, I walk or ride my bike.”

Experts from around the world are baffled by the complexity of Ensible’s theories, and have proposed a long-term study of his methods.

“This is the most breathtaking scientific insight I’ve ever come across. It will take years to understand,” said Vlugen Boorschwit, the Nobel Prize-winning physicist, and lead researcher of the Berlin Harmonium and Oil Institute’s energy program (and pretzel manufactory.)

“In the meanwhile, we can only hope that the price of petrol will come down.”

Ensible has agreed to help the scientists understand his theories, in the hope that the rest of the world will benefit from his insight.

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also filled with genius.

Update:

This little Venn Diagram satire was noticed by Sheila at Gawker yesterday, and some self-satisfied, sanctimonious, humorless dork took it upon himself (I’m assuming MisterHippity is male) to correct the “inaccuracy” of my diagram. I’ll admit to not being an expert at creating Venn diagrams, and I sometimes get stumped on those little math quizzes you find when you need to verify you are a human being. However, I can read. And this is a powerful tool.

Having a look through the comments, it’s actually quite funny. He clearly understands the diagram I drew, yet was unable to perceive its humorous intent. You, dear alert readers, will also notice that MrHippity (who clearly isn’t) did not actually recreate the original diagram, because the original third (tiny, anguish-inducing circle) reads: “People who buy books written by bloggers.” (Not “read” as his diagram indicates.)

Here’s his “correct” version:


Of course, if this was more truthy, there would be no need for despair, because then promoting a book with a blog would be no problem. I think my version is way funnier. (Plus it has pretty colors and a nice font.)

I will let you be the judge.

Neither this source of humor, nor this one are sanctimonious, though there may be some self-satisfaction going on.

You’ll find an impressive list of the libraries of such ex-humans as Hemingway, Samuel Johnson, Marie Antoinette, and of course, Mozart, at LibraryThing.

This link comes via the Very Short List, which says of the social bookworm site: “While browsing, you may discover some excellent books you hadn’t heard of (like Aboard the Flying Swan, by Stanley A. Wolper, found in Ernest Hemingway’s library). Also, by peeking at the titles in a dead person’s library, you’ll get fresh insight into his or her intellectual nooks and crannies — sure, we more or less get why Aspects of Chinese Painting, by Alan Priest, was found in e. e. cummings’s library, but Machiavelli’s The Prince in Tupac’s library? Who knew?”

The other day I had a neighbor over looking at my library (which is pretty modest compared to Hemmingway’s, but kick-ass if you compare it to that of James Joyce — I’m not necessarily making any writing comparisons here, by the way, it’s just the facts). So, the neighbor says, “do you mind if you look at your books?”

Mind? I practically insist. I addition to housing some of the books I have read (I don’t keep everything I buy, and I also — ahem, — will occasionally do something really antiquated like visit a library and borrow a book) there is a nice little catalog of stuff that I’m in the process of reading. The aforementioned James Joyce, for example. I’ve been working on Ulysses for several years. I seem to get stuck somewhere around page thirty. I’ve also not read the copy of Cicero’s “On the Good Life”, though I have actually read Marcus Aurelius’s “Meditations” and Plato’s “Republic”, which come in the same nice set. Plato was a proto-Fascist, by the way. I get the feeling that I could have a beer with Marcus Aurelius, you know, if he wasn’t an ex-human.

I’ve yet to even crack the cover on Gibbon’s “The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire” yet, and to my great shame, I’ve yet to read Primo Levi’s “If This Is Man.” (Not that I’m making any connection between the two.)

I guess my library is a work in progress. Much like me really. It represents some of the books I’ve read and absorbed, yet it also represents the book nerd that I yearn to be. Perhaps it is just intellectual posturing.

What does your library say about you? Does it say anything at all? Why am I asking all these questions?

Does a link to humor-blogs.com and alltop at the end of every post mean something too I wonder? Oh my God I can’t stop asking questions! You should definitely check out the site where I got the cartoon for more savage chicken goodness.

Anyone who enjoys satire, and has a source for the pure stuff, please send along a link for next week’s Carnival of Satire. Believe it or not, it will be the 100 th edition! Let me know your blog as well as the URL of the satire you’re recommending. It’s okay if it’s your own, but only those who selflessly promote someone else’s work will get a chance to win a copy of THE AMADEUS NET. (And if you’ve already bought a copy, we’ll figure something out.) You can use the form here at BlogCarnival, or just email the details to skwib@markarayner.com (please put “Carnival of Satire submission” in the subject line). The deadline is next Wednesday evening.

And yes, for those of you paying attention, this is delayed by another week. I’d like to see this be a really good one.

While you’re waiting for the Satire to arrive, perhaps you will be happy with Insanities.

Naturally, all the bloggers, readers and hangers-on at humor-blogs.com and alltop are invited.

Yes, yes I have. I have also accepted Buddha, Jaweh, Allah, Vishnu, Krishna, Thor, Lugh, Zarathustra, Zakar, Zeus … all the “Z” gods are cool. Did you know that Zhang-Guolao — one of the eight immortals in China — had a magic donkey that he could fold up like a piece of paper? Is that cool or what!

I could have used a magic donkey during the Long Retreat on Sblismar XII — man, did we get our butts kicked in that war. However, eventually I discovered that a foot fungus found on a certain planet inhabited by other primates would let me control the Sblismarians’ minds, so that ended the fighting.

But I digress. Before I came to conquer Earth and discovered its excellent fungi, I’d never heard of religion. It’s something you humans have invented. Of all the species in all the worlds that I’ve become overlord of, yours is the only one that has the god groove.

You’ve got more religions than I’ve got parasites in my lower intestine.

But I dig them all (the religions, not the parasites).

Except for Scientology. That L. Ron Hubbard knew jack squat about aliens, particularly evil alien tyrants like his “Xenu”. (As if any autocrat would go to the expense of transporting people to Earth for execution in spaceships that look like DC-8s… I mean, that’s what Trigladian Gut Worms are for … it’s just silly.)

So, yes. Christ? Yes!

Next week: Do you have a decent recipe for peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies? Also, how does one get into the Galactic Overlord business?

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also have parasites in their lower intestines.