Victor Frankenstein Presents Whack-Job Theory (slide 1)

• Take dead body parts and stitch together
• Stick electrodes in
• Charge with massive jolt of lightning
• Of course it’s obscene, I’m Victor Frankenstein!

Victor Frankenstein Presents “What was I thinking?” (slide 6)

• Man, I must be nuts, but then again, I am Victor Frankenstein
• Creature was brutal to look at
• Plus, it just killed my brother
• Oh, now it’s killed my best friend
• And my newlywed wife.

The Monster Presents the Concept of “Fire” (only slide)

• Anngh! Anghhhh!
• Baaad!

The Monster Explains Itself to Frankenstein(slide 2)

• Actually, old boy, you really made me feel quite unwanted
• Remember when you animated me, and I smiled at you, and you ran screaming from the lab in horror?
• Yes, that was when I decided to ruin your life.
• When did I learn to speak? Oh, between murdering your brother and your best friend I went to college. (I majored in communications.)

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also grotesque monstrosities that you should fear. Thanks to bbaltimore for the photo.

Researchers at The University of Nottingham have proved conclusively that most men are complete dicks.

Dr. Tim Phillips and his fellow researchers have discovered exhibiting altruism and selflessness can be attractive in a potential mate. Women put a much heavier emphasis on this trait than men.

So not only do men not care as much about altruism in their potential mates, they are actually willing to pretend they are selfless so that they can score.

Oh wait, there also appears to be an evolutionary explanation for this phenomenon as well. According to the Science Daily story, Dr. Phillips said:

For many years the standard explanation for altruistic behaviour towards non-relatives has been based on reciprocity and reputation — a version of ‘you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’. I believe we need to look elsewhere to understand the roots of human altruism. The expansion of the human brain would have greatly increased the cost of raising children so it would have been important for our ancestors to choose mates both willing and able to be good, long-term parents. Displays of altruism could well have provided accurate clues to this and genes linked to altruism would have been favoured as a result.

Then again, I’m worried about what the evolutionary effects of all this selfless, do-gooding behavior will have on the human race. How will we be able to defend ourselves when General Kang’s armada arrives? Then I found this study which suggested 10-30 percent of women actually reproduce with someone other than their mate, and let their altruistic mates raise the little bastards.

People, sometimes we disgust me. (Though I’m glad we’ll be able to defend ourselves from those broadsword-wielding, fez-wearing, gorilloids.)

humor-blogs.com and alltop both look good in a fez.

As the leader of the Noodly Norseman, I feel it is my duty to alert you all that a terrible lie is being spread by the Daily Telegraph (in the UK) that the Vikings were metrosexuals.

The Telegraph is merely the press organ of a group of mendacious researchers at Cambridge University, who have published a guide that they hope will recast the Vikings not as the violent rape-and-pillage performance artists they were, but as a group of peaceable long-haired metrosexuals, more interested in personal grooming and poetry than sharing their deep and abiding love of hitting things.

As is the case with all effective propaganda, the story is littered with truthful elements. It is true that Vikings washed on a regular basis. It is true that Vikings did not wear horned or winged helmets. It is even true that many Norsemen spent a large part of their time in “peaceful activities such as farming, building, writing and illustrating.”

However, it is the big lie, you have to watch out for:

The guide reveals that Norsemen were also stylish trend-setters: “Contemporaries who met individual Vikings were struck by the extreme bagginess of their trousers.

A tenth-century Persian explorer described trousers (of Vikings in Russia) that were made of one hundred cubits of material, and a number of runestones depict warriors with flared breeches.” . . .

“The truth is that their culture was very artistic and they were keen to make an impression because they want to cultivate a certain look. They were very concerned about their appearance.”

You see what they’re trying to do here? They’re trying to distract you with stories about fancy trousers. They’re trying to say the Vikings were concerned primarily with the appearance, not “preoccupied with raping and looting.”

If the Vikings spent any time primping, it was to ensure they were properly terrifying when they came on shore. No doubt if we follow the money behind this new “research”, we will discover that it is funded by a group of global warming deniers. Without a resurgence in Viking population, the Earth is doomed. But they must be real Vikings. Skull-splitting, village pillaging, monk-raping Vikings.

Dr. Maximillian Tundra is the leader of the Noodly Norseman, a sect of the Pastafarian religion, which posits an omnipotent creator-being called the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). Unlike the heretical followers of Bobby Henderson, the Noodly Norseman believe that global warming is caused by a lack of Vikings (not pirates).

Humor-blogs.com and Alltop also wear complicated pants. And don’t get me started on how ridiculously complex the leg garments of these people are: it’s Insane.

This is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself.

The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs. If you actually mean: “will it hurt my odds of having a chance to reproduce,” then I’m afraid I have a different answer.

A lot of it depends upon your species. If you’re a fish, then my guess is the lack of hair will not impinge upon your ability to score.

If you’re a human, then yes it will. Quite badly. Particularly if you’re a human female. Human males, on the other hand, have been known to plant their seed, so to speak, without a decent head of hair, but they often have to compensate in some other way. Fame. Power. An extremely large . . . bank account. All of these may work on the curious human female.

So go find some of that, is this is your case. But there is a caveat. Quite often those bald-headed males will instead have a luxuriant coat on their back.

This is a major turn-off for most human females. But catnip for other primates, if you catch my drift.

Next week: I have slipped into another dimension. Will this prevent me from getting a good job?

Find more hairy eyeball humor at alltop and humor-blogs.com.

Hey, all you loose-bowelled, yellow-bellied, ball-less, cowardly traders, currently unleashing the grizzly thrower on the market: RELAX!

Chill out! You’re making it worse.

According to the Globe and Mail the markets want to liquidate everything. You know what happens if everything is liquid? You drown. (Unless you can walk on water, in which case, you’ll be fine.) So traders, gird yourself, take a chill pill and stop running around, screaming at the top of your lungs like pack of second-graders who were playing dodge ball in a hermetically sealed gymnasium until a malevolent zookeeper dropped a malnourished Bengal tiger with tinnitus amongst you.

The brilliant grizzly-thrower is courtesy the talents of AZRainman, whose blog you should really check out.

humor-blogs.com and alltop may also cause bowel-loosening.

Until now the only Chicken Vindaloo you could get while orbiting the moon was a bland, yellowish substance squeezed out of a tube marked NASA. But thanks to the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO), we will now have something decent to eat when we reach Earth’s only natural satellite.

The unmanned mission launched successfully this morning. According to the BBC website:

The robotic probe will orbit the Moon, compiling a 3-D atlas of the lunar surface and mapping the distribution of elements and minerals.

The launch is regarded as a major step for India as it seeks to keep pace with other space-faring nations in Asia.

ISRO managed to launch the mission with only $79 million, much less than the cost of Japanese and Chinese missions to the moon last year, which had simpler kitchen facilities, but required much more weight for the guidance computers. Don’t even get me started on how much the European space agency’s mission cost — the provision for extensive diary products alone cost almost as much as the entire Indian mission.

Many Indians are rightly proud of the achievement, though some complainers — those without enough food to eat, and those living in abject squalor on the rough streets — wonder if some of that curry couldn’t be launched their way instead.

The BBC definitely enjoys it’s curry, though humor-blogs and alltop think it’s too spicy.

The General can tell you’re a guy. Only a human male would frame the question in such a crass way. What you’re asking, essentially, is how you should prepare yourself for having sexual congress with this hypothetical human female. In The General’s opinion this event seems to have a high degree of improbability.

The very fact that you’re asking an interstellar overlord who is, without stretching the facts, a superior being but nevertheless of a different species entirely tells The General something.

Sorry to interrupt, but are you speaking about yourself in the third person?

Yes, it makes The General sound more distant and authoritative. However, when it comes to human females, The General is not an authority. What The General does know is that human females value power and wealth. And if you live in North America, then they also like their men to have a sense of humor.

Therefore, I suggest gold-plated, kevlar briefs, with some kind of laser defense array — this will demonstrate both your power and financial wherewithal — perhaps you could get the goldsmith to engrave some kind of happy face or something comical on the outside, thus showing your lighter, humorous side.

Even better — in the seat have your engineers build-in a whoopee cushion. That’s funny.

Next time: My screenwriting prof says it’s important to line up talent before you pitch a movie. Would you be willing to act as a technical consultant on my epic scifi opera, SpaceMonkeys!

Boxers or briefs? Humor-blogs or Alltop? It all depends on how you much ventilation you require.

I feel a little guilty about posting this monkey-exploitation video, but the chimp in this clip is both hilarious and adorable:

Chimp Riding Segway, via Neatorama

Most of the folks at humor-blogs.com and alltop could probably operate one too.

As you know, XKCD is one of my favourite web comics, and he acquits himself quite well in this death match with The New Yorker.

After seeing this one, I suspect its creator, Randall Munroe is eavesdropping on my thoughts:

Somehow Professor Quippy missed the news of Pzifer’s new miracle drug, Placebonex™.

You’ll find more Sunday craziness at the Carnival of the Insanities.

More demented diversions at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

I think I may have to start watching Letterman on a regular basis again. Apparently last night, Letterman finally had McCain on his show and actually got in a few shots about the whole “palling around with terrorists” thing. (After he’d forced McCain into an uncomfortable mea culpa for McCain blowing him off a few weeks ago.) According to Gawker:

Letterman later hit McCain for paling around with Watergate burglar and would-be firebomber G. Gordon Liddy, even though McCain has slammed Barack Obama for an arguably more distant relationship with 1960s radical William Ayers.

You can see the video at Gawker. And if you want more commentary, check out Roger Caitlin’s column.

Now, if you’re thinking these tenuous connections to people from the past are all codswallop, you may not be alone. You may be thinking, “what the hell is codswallop, anyway?” Well, luckily there is a certain Russian bimbo who has the chops to explain the etymology to us:

Codswallop explained by hot Russian word-nerd.

The etymology clips are much easier to take than the segments where she explains how to pronounce words.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com also have trouble with the “r”, dahling.