The brochure had said it would be peaceful and calm. It had even pointed out the great sea view. It had mentioned “more beach than you’d ever need”, which was accurate, but slightly misleading. (It was shale, not sand.)

It had described the deck chairs as “quaint”, which he supposed was true, if by “quaint” you meant having to sit on something clearly created by the Marquis de Sade, and designed to pinch your genitals with just enough force to cause vomiting, but not death.

But the brochure had not said anything about having to sit with Big Smelly Jenny.

Alltop would go anyway. Originally published May 2007. Photo by Franks_Wild

iPad Cartoon Template, originally uploaded by lunchbreath.

A more sophisticated approach than Mad TV.

Alltop really wants one too.

One day the world would be willing to accept them, but for now, Orlando Bloom and his rabbit would have to stare wistfully from the doorway of their Uber-shack. Orlando thought of better times, other sets of pointy ears that he’d worn, and how, really, it all came back to those days in Florida, when he was just a zygote.

Meanwhile, Alexis Deathhracka planned his revenge. Yes, very soon his plan would come to fruition and the world would tremble before his awesome power. He would destroy Cincinnati, once his atomic bunny suit was fully powered.

But first, the freak in the ears had to put him down so he could go chew on his own fecal matter.

Alltop is all about the siflay hracka, man. Photo by Scragz. Originally published May 2007.

Chauncey Migswith-Pigerton thought that everyone was making too much out of the whole goat-monkey thing. Whether you had a fondness for cute white ungulates or you had a preference for our hairy, poo-flinging relatives, Chauncey didn’t see why everyone on campus had to make such a big deal about it.

His seminar in Post-Euclidian Psychodynamic Self-Gratification had been completely ruined by it, mostly because his teaching assistant, the lovely, but carpal-tunnel challenged Belinda, kept gushing about “how adorable” it was.

At least it was better than the previous semester, when chain-gun wielding demons from the fifth circle of Hell had been riding around on syphilitic T-Rexes.

Boy, they really had to Bell the grades up that term!

Alltop is into ungulate gratification. Originally published May 2007.

When Michelin let him go, Bibendum thought he would be fine. That lazy brother of his, Bonhomme, had been pestering him to take over his duties at the Quebec Winter Carnival for years, and the gig paid well. (Though Bibendum finally understand why Bonhomme wanted to be in the Caribbean in February.)

But the money had run out, and he hadn’t found any other work for nearly a year; he’d ended up crashing on his other brother’s couch. Eventually, even the Pillsbury Doughboy kicked him out on his ear.

“Your croissant sucks!” Bibendum had told him when he left, but it wasn’t true. They were delicious.

Then his agent had called with an idea: sumo wrestling.

Alltop is working on the ultimate humor circuit. Originally published May 2007.

“Never was so much owed by so many to so few.”

–Winston Churchill, shortly after Pepper, of the Glorious Jack Russell Ratter Brigade, landed in Berchtesgaden, leg-humping Der Fuhrer, and violating his German Shepard, Blondi.

Later that week, the Germans invaded Russia.

Alltop is the only one to survive the vicious leg-humping. RIP humor-blogs.com. Photo by Susanna’s. Originally published April, 2007.

John was starting to see the disadvantages of certain technologies; to whit, his all-in-one thermal eye-socket digital video, audio and pornograph implants were causing more than just a little radiation damage.

There was nothing they could do about their miniature schnauzer, Noodles, but the doctors said there was still some hope that his three children and wife, Yolanda, could be saved.

Then again, Noodles had been delicious.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com also enjoy pasta. Part of the Toulouse Le Grandfig collection. Photo by midiman. Originally published April, 2007.

Our journey begins, oddly enough, in the port town of Blugfjorn, home of the famous Norwegian poet and maker of Norse berry desserts, Pipti Borginson.

While sailing to Iceland, Pipti discovered that his Rodgrot med flote, while delicious, was playing hell on the soft bleeding gums of the sailors on his ship, Freya’s Berries.

It was lucky for all of them that Leslie Hoebeast, was working passage on the ship. In addition to great legs, and legendary technique, Hoebeast was an avid flossier.

She also liked to put string between her teeth.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com also enjoy the odd bit of string. Originally published 2006.

The way Dolores set up the pins was nothing short of hypnotic.

In particular, Barry admired the way she would grab the pin so firmly, just where the bulbous end tapered into a tubular shape. And then, how she so slowly slid her hand up the shaft, while the whole time shifting the pin to the perpendicular, until she let it wobble on its fat end, her delicate fingers just barely touching the slight swelling at the end of the pin.

Yep, Barry liked that. It made him want to sing.

Then he saw what how she polished the balls.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com enjoy bowling. Originally published November, 2006.

“Hello Mrs. Biffy.”

“Hello Mr. Dingus-trap, how is business?”

“Very well thank you. The usual?”

“Thank you Mr. Dingus-trap. Except, today Larry is looking for something new.”

“Such as?”

“A player piano?”

“Oh, you’re in luck Mrs. Biffy, we just had one shipped in yesterday.”

“Yes, I see it’s beautiful. But will it fit in my ear?”

“Oh, I don’t see why not, Mrs. Biffy. It is a standard-sized player piano, after all, not the whopping great size I usually order in.”

“Excellent, then we’ll take that, and oh, yes, an extra half-pound of butter. Larry says he’d like to go spelunking later.”

Alltop and humor-blogs.com enjoy crawling into big holes too. Originally published November 2006.”