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Archive | January, 2010

Seaside Holiday

By on January 29, 2010 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Seaside holidayThe brochure had said it would be peaceful and calm. It had even pointed out the great sea view. It had mentioned “more beach than you’d ever need”, which was accurate, but slightly misleading. (It was shale, not sand.)

It had described the deck chairs as “quaint”, which he supposed was true, if by “quaint” you meant having to sit on something clearly created by the Marquis de Sade, and designed to pinch your genitals with just enough force to cause vomiting, but not death.

But the brochure had not said anything about having to sit with Big Smelly Jenny.

Alltop would go anyway. Originally published May 2007. Photo by Franks_Wild

Ostern Geruchwochenende (Easter Smellweekend)

By on January 28, 2010 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Bunny dudeOne day the world would be willing to accept them, but for now, Orlando Bloom and his rabbit would have to stare wistfully from the doorway of their Uber-shack. Orlando thought of better times, other sets of pointy ears that he’d worn, and how, really, it all came back to those days in Florida, when he was just a zygote.

Meanwhile, Alexis Deathhracka planned his revenge. Yes, very soon his plan would come to fruition and the world would tremble before his awesome power. He would destroy Cincinnati, once his atomic bunny suit was fully powered.

But first, the freak in the ears had to put him down so he could go chew on his own fecal matter.

Alltop is all about the siflay hracka, man. Photo by Scragz. Originally published May 2007.

Controversy on Campus

By on January 27, 2010 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

Goat under a monkeyChauncey Migswith-Pigerton thought that everyone was making too much out of the whole goat-monkey thing. Whether you had a fondness for cute white ungulates or you had a preference for our hairy, poo-flinging relatives, Chauncey didn’t see why everyone on campus had to make such a big deal about it.

His seminar in Post-Euclidian Psychodynamic Self-Gratification had been completely ruined by it, mostly because his teaching assistant, the lovely, but carpal-tunnel challenged Belinda, kept gushing about “how adorable” it was.

At least it was better than the previous semester, when chain-gun wielding demons from the fifth circle of Hell had been riding around on syphilitic T-Rexes.

Boy, they really had to Bell the grades up that term!

Alltop is into ungulate gratification. Originally published May 2007.

Bibendum’s Career Woes

By on January 26, 2010 in Toulouse Le Grandfig

When Michelin let him go, Bibendum thought he would be fine. That lazy brother of his, Bonhomme, had been pestering him to take over his duties at the Quebec Winter Carnival for years, and the gig paid well. (Though Bibendum finally understand why Bonhomme wanted to be in the Caribbean in February.)

But the money had run out, and he hadn’t found any other work for nearly a year; he’d ended up crashing on his other brother’s couch. Eventually, even the Pillsbury Doughboy kicked him out on his ear.

“Your croissant sucks!” Bibendum had told him when he left, but it wasn’t true. They were delicious.

Then his agent had called with an idea: sumo wrestling.

Bibendum's Career Woes

Alltop is working on the ultimate humor circuit. Originally published May 2007.

Wankle Rotary Engine

By on January 25, 2010 in Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Para Dog

“Never was so much owed by so many to so few.”

–Winston Churchill, shortly after Pepper, of the Glorious Jack Russell Ratter Brigade, landed in Berchtesgaden, leg-humping Der Fuhrer, and violating his German Shepard, Blondi.

Later that week, the Germans invaded Russia.

Alltop is the only one to survive the vicious leg-humping. RIP humor-blogs.com. Photo by Susanna’s. Originally published April, 2007.