Archive | July, 2010

Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#37)

From the Book of iChronicles

The False Prophet called Blue BirdAnd in this time the People shall become like unto the creatures that live in the Earth. The people shall share Tubes and they shall be intertwined, and lo, many will call them the Inter-Tubes and it shall please the people, though they are caught in a Web.

They will forget the Lord and instead, worship the Screen, and the Digit, and they shall share their wantonness thusly.

It shall pass that many of the People shall worship a False Prophet called Blue Bird. And they will be pleased by this Blue Bird, and they shall have the attention span of the newt, and share their brief and simple thoughts in characters of a gross less four. And some will say, lo! here is the Prophet of Blue Bird and its value is a thousand times a million talents!

And the Whale shall visit these Worshippers of the False Prophet, and there will be lamentation, and anxiety, and a great clicking.

The newsy proof is at the Wall Street Journal. Alltop is also worried about Satanic valuations.

Derivative Python: Nudge, Nudge

nudge, nudgeSquire:
What do you mean by SLEPT?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay?. You know Squire. SLEPT.

Squire:
As in: had sexual intercourse?

(pause)

Man:
Uh, yes. I suppose that is the technical term for it.

Squire:
(pedantically)
And do you know, precisely, what that entails?

(pause)

Man:
I’m sorry?

Squire:
Have you any idea what actually happens?

Man:
Mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
[makes rude gesture]

Squire:
(stiffly)
Yes, yes, I see what you’re doing there, but do you know what it means?

(pause)

Man:
Well, uh, no. Not actually. It’s quite embarrassing, really, a man of my age —

Squire:
Would you like me to show you?

Man:
What, with your wife?

Squire:
If you’re into that sort of thing. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a wife we could swap.

Man:
Uh…

Squire:
(mimicking)
You are interested in sport, no? You did indicate a certain … shall we say lascivious interest in sport?

(pause)

Man:
Look mate, I was just trying to see if you could —

Squire:
Tell you about sport–

Man:
With LADIES.

Squire:
Well, yes, with ladies. What did you think I meant?

(pause)

Man:
I dunno Squire. I got worried, you know. Your tone. It got a little menacing there for a moment. A bit Pinteresque, if you take my drift. And, I mean … bowler hat an all, I thought you might have gone to a public school —

Squire:
Everything I learned I learned on the playing fields at Eton!

Man:
Well, I think I’d best be pushin’ on…

Squire:
That’s the spirit! Shall I give the wife a ring. Tell her to uncork the scented olive oil?

[Man leaves hurriedly, knocking over table, spilling pints in process.]

Squire:
(looking wistful)
Someday, Georgie-boy. Someday.

And now for something completely better, the original:

YouTube Preview Image
There is nothing derivative about alltop. No, what’s the opposite of nothing? Yes, all. You can find a transcript of the original sketch here. Don’t forget to check the comments for a link to a lovely YouTube video of a similar ilk, but it stars Joseph Stalin! Originally published, June 2008. Mooooooh, ay!

Forty-seven signs of the apocalypse (#38)

From the Book of Libations

Bacon-flavoured vodka -- a chocolate bakon martini!Lo! The time shall come and the people shall not concern themselves with the Law. And in this dark time, the people shall crave the flesh of the pig, and many will not care that it is Forbidden.

Verily, many shall be law abiding, but still ingest the unclean creature in a form most alluring. And this Savory Succubus shall take hold of the people, and there will be frying, and the power of the sky will be applied to these strips of meat, and the people will rejoice in the salty evil.

And they shall be called the Days of Bacon.

The Rashers of Lucifer will garnish all kinds of wholesome foods, and make them unclean with their cholesterol and deliciousness.

Hark! The people shall revel in their porcine pleasures, and they shall not be sated by the strips themselves, and they shall Cry for More Bacon. And they shall crave bacon with all. And the Anti-Christ will grin, and say unto the people, “I shall give you bacon in your hooch.”

And there shall be great rejoicing as the people debase themselves with Chocolate Bacon Martinis, and Bacon Rosemary Martinis, and something called an Irish Boar. And they shall wail with pleasure, especially when they taste the Bacon Bloody Mary, as the next seal is broken and the sky turns all stripy and sizzly, and let’s face it, mouth-watering.

The awesome web-based proof. The always-debauched Alltop is waiting for veal-flavoured gin. Originally published August 19, 2009.

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Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#39)

From the Book of Libations

Virgin salivaAnd in this time, there shall be a service created by the forces of darkness and it shall be unearthly and virtual, and the Unbelievers will call it Ebay. And unto the Heathen in the Land of Sinim, there shall be knock-off services, the shadow of a shadow.

Lo! The Sinim will be plagued with False Prophets, and the worst of these shall be Zhou. And he shall harvest the Saliva of the Virgins of Sinim. Abomination will be compounded by the Evils of Commerce. And Zhou will be forced to take the Spit of the Hotties off the market.

And he shall then gather the drool of the Virgins as they sleep. And sell that.

And there will be wailing. The sound of retching. And a great confusion.

Alltop is hocker of the of the occasional human expectoration. Originally published June 2009.

Vital Fluid: A Mesmerizing Review

man using hypnosisIn 1779 Anton Mesmer proposed everything in the universe influenced everything else, and this was accomplished through “fluid universally diffused.” It is this premise that is the driving influence of Tom Bradley’s 2009 novel, Vital Fluid.

The story follows two sets of rival hypnotists; Phil Deacon, scion of an old-style showbiz family, and his nemesis, Simon Magus, who occupy center stage in our century. Their story is paralleled by the tale of historical mesmerist Charles LaFontaine, and his erstwhile rival, Baron Dupotet. Both sets of hypnotists are the yin and yang of one another — Phil is light, and Simon is dark — LaFontaine is famed and kind, while Dupotet is despised and cruel.

Bradley’s writing is deceptively easy, the plot whisking you through the pages with distractions and legerdemain worthy of the hypnotists of which he writes. But more than that, it is a fine satire of modern America, Christian fundamentalism, modern notions of what passes for entertainment, and the nature of professional rivalry and envy.

At times his characters and his prose are foul-mouthed and disturbing — a few of his characters are caricatures, but most of the time, you feel they are real people, even if you only spot them in the crowd. And there are hundreds of acute moments of fine observation and touching humanity, such as this scene at a native reservation in the desert:

“An amazingly beautiful girl of about fourteen walks by. She trusts the Medicine Man enough to try out what promises, someday, to be a formidable set of flirtatious skills. She eyes him sidelong and makes tentative little motions with her slender hips.

“The Medicine Man tilts his head and sighs, as if overwhelmed with adoration. His knees start to wobble comically and he grabs his chest. She breaks into girlish giggles and scampers off.”

Vital Fluid CoverEvidence of the vital fluid is all around the characters of Phil and LaFontaine, but harder to spot with Simon, and virtually invisible near the malignant presence of Dupotet.

In history, Mesmer’s proposition was first proved unscientific by a French Royal Commission in 1784, and then parodied by Romantic writers in the early part of the next century. But here in the new millennium, at the end of Bradley’s book, you’ll discover that the vital fluid has always been with us, and with any luck, always will be.

You’ll just have to read it to see how.

Buy it at the publisher’s website.

Alltop is totally hypnotizing too. Hypnosis photo by Mastrobiggo — thanks for it!