Squire:
What do you mean by SLEPT?
Man:
Mooooooh, ay?. You know Squire. SLEPT.
Squire:
As in: had sexual intercourse?
(pause)
Man:
Uh, yes. I suppose that is the technical term for it.
Squire:
(pedantically)
And do you know, precisely, what that entails?
(pause)
Man:
I’m sorry?
Squire:
Have you any idea what actually happens?
Man:
Mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
[makes rude gesture]
Squire:
(stiffly)
Yes, yes, I see what you’re doing there, but do you know what it means?
(pause)
Man:
Well, uh, no. Not actually. It’s quite embarrassing, really, a man of my age —
Squire:
Would you like me to show you?
Man:
What, with your wife?
Squire:
If you’re into that sort of thing. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a wife we could swap.
Man:
Uh…
Squire:
(mimicking)
You are interested in sport, no? You did indicate a certain … shall we say lascivious interest in sport?
(pause)
Man:
Look mate, I was just trying to see if you could —
Squire:
Tell you about sport–
Man:
With LADIES.
Squire:
Well, yes, with ladies. What did you think I meant?
(pause)
Man:
I dunno Squire. I got worried, you know. Your tone. It got a little menacing there for a moment. A bit Pinteresque, if you take my drift. And, I mean … bowler hat an all, I thought you might have gone to a public school —
Squire:
Everything I learned I learned on the playing fields at Eton!
Man:
Well, I think I’d best be pushin’ on…
Squire:
That’s the spirit! Shall I give the wife a ring. Tell her to uncork the scented olive oil?
[Man leaves hurriedly, knocking over table, spilling pints in process.]
Squire:
(looking wistful)
Someday, Georgie-boy. Someday.
And now for something completely better, the original:
There is nothing derivative about alltop. No, what’s the opposite of nothing? Yes, all. You can find a transcript of the original sketch here. Don’t forget to check the comments for a link to a lovely YouTube video of a similar ilk, but it stars Joseph Stalin! Originally published, June 2008. Mooooooh, ay!