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Ask General Kang: Do you enjoy daylight savings time?

By on November 7, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General KangYes, of course. There’s nothing I enjoy more than having to reset my body’s circadian rhythms because of your human delusion that you control things. Most of you can barely operate your own crude technologies properly (put up your hands if you know how to stop your PC from launching Outlook), so I love the farce that is daylight savings time.

Ooo, look at us humans, we’re the masters of time and space. We can set the clock back. We can set it forward. We call the shots.

I haven’t seen a species as delusional since I conquered the Do These Pants Make Me Look Fat Confederation. (And yes, they did, and easily overrun by a phalanx of orangutans with particle rifles and whiffle bats.) So yes, you humans are deluded. The sun doesn’t change what it’s doing. All that happens is you either lose or gain an hour of sleep. And neither are very good. At least when I travel the circadian reset has some purpose. (Sitting on a beach or ogling Parisian women, for example.)

My understanding is that daylight savings time saves us energy

Stupid human! Studies can show whatever they want. Its origins are a freakin’ bug-collecting Kiwi, and, of course, some British twit who wanted to play golf longer into the evening. But energy use now is so distributed that it’s impossible to make that claim.

Now I’m going to go have a nap. My cat was up at its usual time — an hour before I wake for my daily calisthenics and fresh fruit enema — so I may be a little cranky.

Next time: I’m currently travelling at very close to the speed of light — does that mean I don’t have to set my clocks back?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com don’t ever sleep. Originally published November, 2009.

Professor Quippy: Let’s put daylight savings time to bed

By on March 11, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyI’m still recovering from the latest leap forward, so I may be cranky, but the evidence is mounting that daylight savings time (DST) is a BAD IDEA.

In two studies, the numbers show that traffic accidents increase by about seven percent the days following the jump and industrial accidents increase by about six percent.

According to the lead researcher of one of the studies, Stanley Coren, the problem is sleep deprivation. People are chronically sleep deprived in North America, the sleep expert says. Take away an extra hour and they start falling into periods of “micro-sleep.”

“Micro-sleep” lasts between 10 seconds and a minute, and causes a total loss of bodily function. Actually, you lose track of the time-space continuum, which is fine if you’re sitting in my first-year undergraduate lecture on the nature of the space-time continuum, but possibly lethal if you’re operating a chainsaw, minigun, or something moving, such as a car.

I know what you’re thinking. DST saves energy, right? Wrong. According to a 2006 California study, DST actually cost an extra $8.6-million (U.S.) in electricity.

Not to mention the cost of all the lawsuits in chainsaw-related injury claims.

More information in The Mother of All Mondays. You’ll discover a coterie of chainsaw enthusiasts here.