Tag Archives | economy

Run, the economy is angry!

imagine the economy is an angry giant

I imagine the economy is a humongous nerd named Judhearst, and his hobby is making economists look like idiots (and collecting Star Trek memorabilia). He gets very angry when you make fun of the latter, and will sick his rabid dog, IMF, on you.

Alltop used to be a humongous nerd, but then The Skwib joined its feed.

The Blue Light, 2011

The Blue Light 2011

After his injury in the war, his leaders told the soldier, “thanks for your service, but we don’t need you anymore.” The soldier was sent home, without much help, or rehab, and no occupation, that was for sure. So he got work doing odd jobs for an economist; some days he’d dig holes, other days he’d pick up garbage at the side of the road and sell it to the economist; it was just enough to live on, but not enough to improve his situation.

Then one day the economist said, “I have this blue light I need you to bring me, and if you do that, I’ll make sure you’re set up comfortably for life. The only thing is it’s kind of hard to get at — you’ll have to crawl through a tunnel to an underground cave to find it.”

The financial wizard didn’t mention the underground dwellers who lived off rats, and fungus, and the occasional servant that the he had sent down in his previous attempts to recover the light. But the soldier had been trained in battle, and he brought his shovel with him, so he was able to defend himself, and find the blue light.

It was easy to see in the darkness of the cave; its ethereal glow could be seen from the far end, like a dawn. And when he got there, he was delighted to discover that it held the secrets of the economist, and his leaders, and what’s more, all the people who had any kind of wealth or power. It was a treasure trove of information.

When he got to the surface, the economist asked him if he found the blue light, and the soldier said, “no, sorry, it wasn’t down there.”

So the economist fired him, but the soldier didn’t care, because now he knew where the economist kept his hoard of gold. Which he took.

The soldier could have retired comfortably on that, but he was just getting started.

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Inspired by The Blue Light (The Brothers Grimm). Alltop also enjoys spelunking. Photo by Bianca Araujo. Originally published, October 2009.

Ask General Kang: Should I be worried about what the swine flu may do to the economy?

Ask General KangAbsolutely. You should spend a lot of time worrying about it.

You should probably go on some kind of epic alcoholic bender to help you forget about it, but then discover that it’s not really making you forget, so then take a lot of drugs. (Start with anything that is best injected. Note: you can save money by sharing needles.) Don’t get any rest. Replace food with coffee. Stop washing your hands.

Really let it get to you. I’d like to see you on a regime of sleepless nights, and bone-crushingly torpid days, when all you can do is think, “what is the swine flu doing to my savings? What if the Nikkei average loses another .02 percent of value?”

So, when you’re really exhausted, and when your immune system is as depressed as you are, then I want you to go to Mexico.

Next time: I believe my accountant may have lupus. Will this affect my EBITDA?

Alltop and humor-blogs are both trading derivatives. Asinine G&M article that “inspired” this: Swine flu outbreak dampens recover hopes. A few cogent questions and answers from the New Scientist: what you need to know about swine flu.