Tag Archives | humor

Professor Quippy: Uh-oh

Professor QuippyA new report from the Nuffield Council on Bioethics (UK think tank) believes that “nanny state” policies may be justified when it comes to binge drinking.

“At present the UK government is trying to encourage a sensible drinking culture,” says John Krebs, chairman of the committee that wrote the report. “But walk through ‘vomit alley’ in central Oxford on a Saturday night and you will see a conspicuous absence of it.”

Yes, Vomit Alley — a post-apocalyptic world in which gravity inexplicably increases in places, light bends, and your gut comes alive with flavor. I believe the movie is in pre-production and they’ve tapped Kurt Russell to play the lead, Angus McNasty, master of “The Sledge”.

Just don’t try to bring back prohibition, that’s all I ask.

New Scientist Story (requires subscription for full article)

Humor-Blogs.com< --What the hell? A sidebar thingy, over here? This guy clearly doesn't know what he's doing, and you should click on it, just to escape his incompetence.

Professor Quippy: Oh, you’re such a tase

Professor QuippySo, you’ve got a big day of activism planned, and you’re pretty sure it could mean an up-close and intimate encounter with the business end of a taser. So, how do you prevent yourself from getting a brutal case of taser burn and doing the electric two-step?

Well, a tiny bit of body armor might help. And while you’re at it, how about a nice layer of tin foil underneath the kevlar? Or even better, put on a shark suit or pair of piezoelectric pants (though the latte would only work if the officer hit you below the belt.)

More ideas are available at The Last Word, where the New Scientist asks the question, and the readers answer. Definitely check out the comments!

Batman Lashes Out at the Other Members of the Justice League of America After Spending the Weekend at the Jack Nicholson Film Festival

Batman loses itby Mark A. Rayner

You know, I’m getting a little tired of all the snide remarks about the way I fight crime.

We live in a world that has villains, and those villains have to be defeated by men with Batarangs. Or superpowers, if you’ve got them. (Yeah, and females too, don’t get your star-spangled knickers in a knot, Wonder Women.) I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the psychotic killer that I sent to the hospital last night, and you curse my “methods”. You have that luxury.

Green Lantern, you can always capture crooks with that weird glowing shit from your alien ring. And you Wonder Woman, I wonder if that golden truth-telling lasso is as innocuous as it looks? You have easy options.

You know that when I beat that punk to within an inch of his life, while tragic for him, I saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I find it particularly ironic that you, Martian Manhunter find me grotesque, but you do, don’t you, you green uni-browed freak!

I’ll grant my methods are extreme, but they work. You people with your superpowers don’t dare admit it. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me cruising the streets of Gotham in my Batmobile, you need me in my Batmobile! Who else is going to clean up that bat-hole?

I use words like discipline and detective work and a lot of made-up words starting with “Bat”. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent intimidating the criminal classes. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to you, who succeed because of the detective work that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a Batarang and solve a few crimes without your superpowers.

Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think is “excessive” or “brutal” or “verging on insane”. Continue Reading →

Loopy Laws

The Beeb has a fun article about the silliest laws on the books. I found both the list for the UK and the “foreign” list quite funny, and educational. For example, I will never again be “caught short” in Scotland, knowing that all I have to do is knock on someone’s door, and he is legally required to let me use the facilities. And if he doesn’t, well, I can murder him without fear of an uncomfortable stay in Her Majesty’s Royal Prison. (Provided I can get him to York, and get him to carry a bow and arrow.)

And if you’re thinking about taking a trip to Milan, strap your smile on. Of course, I’m more worried about the people living there. My guess is they’re ready to snap by now. They probably have to kill or maim someone every once in a while, just so they can go to the funeral or visit them in the hospital.

The Ministry of Silly Laws

  1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
  2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down
  3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
  4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
  5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
  6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a pliiceman’s helmet
  7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
  8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
  9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armor
  10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

When in Rome

  1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
  2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
  3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
  4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
  5. It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
  6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
  7. Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
  8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
  9. There is no age of consent in Japan
  10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

BBC article about the most ludicrous laws.

50-Metre Land Requisition Event

50-Metre Land Requisition Event -- Beijing Olympic MascotsIn addition to Tibetan Dissident Biathlon, the 2008 Beijing Olympics will have another exciting new demonstration sport in Shooting: the 50-Metre Land Requisition Event.

Normally, the 50-metre Pistol competition is a solo sport, and does not include a running target (such as skeet or trap). But the 50-Metre Land Requisition Event combines all the excitement of team sports, shooting, and moving human targets. Many funs!

On one side, the “sanctioned” team, which is usually backed by local communist authorities or enterprises, and consists of three crack pistol marksmen. On the other side, the hapless Chinese inhabitants of urban areas that the party would like to sell to developers. This is not a team, so much as a disorganized mob of men, women and children attempting to avoid a hail of well-placed bullets while protesting their forcible eviction. The Beijing Olympic committee has set this event in Shanghai, where there is quite a bit of land not being put to the “best” (profitable) use.

So far, Zimbabwe, Angola, and Burma have said they’ll be sending teams. China is the hands-down favorite, having had so much practice forcibly evicting people to create venues for the Beijing Games.

More demonstration sports with the Beijing Olympic Mascots:
Tibetan Dissident Biathlon | Organ Relay | Hu Flung Falongong | Forced Sterilization Footy | Press Clubbing | 50-Meter Land Requisition Event

‘Inspired’ by:
Amnesty International 2006 China Report, and their Countdown to the Olympics