Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look –

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.

Don’t make me Zardoz you

has your ruling class lost its mind?Sometimes things get ugly.

An argument goes awry. Friends drift apart. Families break up because they don’t share the same existential desires.

Sure, we all hope that eventually, human society will change for the better. Eventually, we’ll have a civilized strata, and a rough, hirsute barbarian underclass. This is as it should be. But god forbid the civilized group loses its mind and does things that are bad for all humanity!

This is what it is to be Zardozed.

(As we all are.)

Alltop is fond of the breech-clout.

Sunday O-Rama!

GoateeCarnivals first: The mad, mad, Carnival of the Insanities and fine, furry Friday Ark.

Oh Bill. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

If you somehow missed the brilliant first installment of the Sarah Connor McLeod Chronicles, you can still read the script. On a related note, you may be interested in the Frogster’s explanation of how manly brains work. And you wouldn’t think knitting would be manly, but it can be funny.

And what could be more manly than bacon, the food of the gods? But it’s not just a man-thing, women like it too!

What could be more manly than bacon? Beards. Don’t get more manly than beards, as Rickey well knows. Did you know there is an international group of loons that run a competition for the best beard and mustache? I’m working on my goatee (pictured above, photo courtesy of Luciano Joaquim).

And now, a short history of beards:

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And for more hirsute humor (bearded and not), may we suggest humor-blogs.com? No? Bugger.

Sunday O-Rama!

Don’t miss the Super-Duper (Tuesday) Carnival of the Insanities.

While we’re talking insanity, you should go visit this website, which is probably the most shoddily built thing ever. (Thanks to the Mistress of the Singularities, editor of Abyss & Apex, for finding this. You may want to check out the new issue of A&A too.)

The Carnival of the Godless is always entertaining, and finally, this video is also a gem, raising the question, has Google Maps gone too far?

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We should probably keep a close eye on these people too.