Do you realize how hard some of the athletes competing in this summer’s games have had to work to get to the Olympics? Some of them get up at 5 am to train. Every morning! Are you going to be the killjoy who’s going to tell them they can’t go to Beijing just because some totalitarian government has been oppressing its citizens, or committing cultural genocide or torturing babies?

I mean, all your crap is made in China, right? Have you stopped buying stuff from them to register your displeasure with China’s human rights record? Besides, it would just make it worse for the Chinese people.

When I was an Interstellar Overlord we had this once-a-decade celebration of simian athletic prowess we called the “Ape Races”, which was similar to your Olympics. Do you know what I did when Planet Backscratch boycotted my Ape Games to protest our treatment of the Numnum Cult? (They were a misguided bunch of bonobos on Sebaceous III who believed all apes should live in harmony, share their resources and mates, and which promoted frequent public grooming sessions.)

I sterilized the surface of Sebaceous III with plasma weapons. (It took weeks for the grease fires to stop.)

Screw you Planet Backscratch!

Plus Neecknaw won all the sports worth mentioning — the Tree-Swinging Relay, the Who-Can-Not-Drown Regatta, and of course, the Great Fling. (Our team’s ability to propel fecal matter through the air is now legendary.)

Ew. What if we just boycotted the Opening Ceremonies?

I suppose. It would make some kind of point, and still allow everyone to enjoy the Games. Just don’t mess with the Sponsors. Otherwise, they might boycott the Winter Games in Vancouver. You don’t want that now, do you?

Next time: Something funny is going on in my trousers. Is it some kind of dimensional breach, or should I consult a physician?

1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears

2) I’ve only ever won one election and after that there were no more elections.

Now, even though I can’t cry standard tears, I don’t think I would cry them, even to win an election. First of all, I was well-liked before the election. I showed my soft and cuddly side early on, without giving people the idea that I would be a pushover once in office.

Now, if the polls turned against me and I started getting all weepy with standard tears, who was going to take me seriously afterwards? Especially if I was hoping to become an iron-fisted intergalactic overlord.

Why do you keep saying “standard tears”? What kind of tears do über-chimps excrete?

It depends on their phase of life and job description. As an advice columnist and ex-intergalactic overlord, my tears are a mix of vitriol, LSD and despair. On the plus side, they smell like bananas.

Next time: When you’re, um, getting intimate with a love-bot and the low battery signal starts beeping, what’s the proper etiquette for plugging in the recharging prong?

Also posted at humor-blogs.com

A taser is supposed to be a non-lethal stunning weapon.

Well, there is clearly a PROBLEM. If police forces around the world are willing to give me their tasers, I will pass along the technical schematics for a number of non-lethal devices that my Uber-Ape-Jackboot-and-Miniskirt Paramilitary Forces (and dance troupe) have used quite effectively to subdue the great unwashed populace.

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at Irish sessions. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate. Warning: Handle this creature with care; each appendage of the gut worm is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII.

What are you going to do with all those tasers?

Oh, I have uses for them.

Next time: How do I fit “tab a” into “slot b” if all I can find is a multi-dimensional “thingy c”?